Redeem Me
by Buff82
Summary: Bella finds herself wealthy beyond imagine and on the verge of a blossoming music career. There's only one problem - she doesn't want any of it. Edward is a famous musician struggling with the very public lifestyle. Full summary in prologue. AH Rated M
1. Prologue

**A/N: ****Bella finds herself wealthy beyond imagine and on the verge of a blossoming music career. There's only one problem - she doesn't want any of it. When her life is one day intertwined with the world famous musician, Edward Cullen, their lives begin to change. Will Bella's dark past haunt her forever, or will Edward be the key to breaking her from her shadows? **

**"Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person." -Tennessee Williams **

**Katbug86 is my magnificent beta. She is my rock.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of the respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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Prologue

My face went blank, I stared emotionlessly back at Charlie - his expression pained. He was fidgeting with his belt, adjusting it on his waist over and over, his eyes roaming my face looking for my reaction - anything.

I felt nothing. My body was cold, my head felt detached from my shoulders.

"Bells, did you hear me?" He finally asked, shifting his weight onto his right foot.

Dropping my gaze to his brown, mud clad boot I stared at it like I could find answers there in the dried dirt. Small hairline cracks snaked through the hardened mud, pieces flaking off as Charlie shifted again.

"Yes," I replied lifelessly.

A fission shot through me when I spoke, splitting me in two; part of me filling with sudden rage - the other half of me an overwhelming sadness. _How could this be? _My frigid hands curled into stiff fists, balled tight at my sides.

I had been so stupid - so selfish - for how many years? The two conflicting emotions swirled inside me, mixing dangerously; my stomach rolled in a sickening way, tipping the scales. My mind barreled toward the anger, as it consumed me whole.

"Why?" I screamed at him, my hands flying to my hair, pulling at the roots, my eyes searching the space around Charlie wildly.

He flinched, he eyes dimming, the sad creases under them deepening. "Bells, there's nothing you could have done-,"

"Nothing I could have done!" I screeched cutting him off.

My stomach twisted again, my legs giving out, and I fell to my knees, dry heaving onto the gravel in front of Charlie's house. His warm hands were on my back instantly, but I could barely hear the soothing words he murmured into my ear.

The world was spinning, I dug my fingers into the gravel trying to still the motion around me - trying to hold the earth in place.

_I did this - how could I have been so careless? This is my fault. _

My breathing came in short, quick bursts, and my vision faded, my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen.

"Bella, breathe honey!" Charlie was shouting at me, but I couldn't calm the sharp spasms wracking my lungs, they contracted against themselves, strangling the air.

"I… it … was me," I choked out, my arms beginning to tingle. "I … killed her…." I muttered as the earth went black, and I felt myself fall.

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**A/N: I actually began writing this before EH, but ultimately put it on the back burner. This was very short, but I should have the first chapter up in a few days. As ever, let me know what you think! Thanks lovlies! -Buff**


	2. 1 This Songs of Freedom

**A/N: Once again, the amazing Katbug86 is beta'ing. I'm surprised she hasn't already dumped my comma inept ass long ago. Show her love for making this read-able.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of the respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

Chapter 1

This Songs of Freedom

BPOV

I leaned against the bar as my fingers nervously shredded at a cocktail napkin; the weak paper tore easily, tiny pieces littering the bar top. My stomach floated, that familiar nervous adrenaline buzzing through my system. It seemed like I had been standing there for 10 minutes, and the bartender had yet to even glance in my direction. I needed my customary pre-show drink, and I was beginning to get anxious that I might not have enough time.

"Bella, how much longer till you're on?" I turned to see Alice and Rosalie, my two best friends, staring at me expectantly. Well, Rose was staring; Alice was jumping up and down like a bunny in a carrot factory.

"Um…," Puffing out a breath of air, I checked my cell phone to see how much time I had left, slipping slightly into panic mode when I realized it was less than 5 minutes. "Not much longer, I just want to get a quick drink first, it helps me …."

Glancing up, I realized that Alice and Rose weren't even listening to me; they were both craning their necks, feverously trying to catch a glimpse of whoever had just walked through the front entrance.

"Rats!" Alice huffed, stomping her foot and all - she looked like a petulant child who got the wrong color car for Christmas. "It's not him." She glared indignantly toward the tall handsome man making his way through the crowd.

"Geez Al, what's that poor guy ever done to you?" I joked, but she dismissed me immediately, apparently it was no laughing matter.

Rosalie rolled her eyes, throwing us an all-knowing glance. "I told you guys _he_ wouldn't be caught dead in a place like _this_," she said with just the right amount of distain in her voice, waving her hand around indicating the environment.

"Hey!" I said, pressing my palm against my heart, feigning offense at her comment.

Truthfully, I knew it wasn't the nicest bar in town, but it was the biggest place I'd ever played in before. I looked at my best friends, who had been so supportive and my rocks at every show I'd done; and felt a little guilty for monopolizing every weekend of their lives for the past year and a half.

"Why don't you guys go on ahead, I'm gonna do my set, and then after that I'll probably just stick around for a bit to sell some merchandise."

"You're not going to come out with us!" Alice whined, showing the beginnings of her classic pout. I put my hand up to halt her attempts.

"No, these things usually take a lot out of me. I'm probably just going to head back to the hotel after this," I replied firmly while looking Alice straight into her crystal blue eyes, which were a startling contrast to her spiky, dark brown hair. I learned a long time ago that the best combat to Alice's pout was to stay stern and not waiver. The second you showed a hint of weakness... she pounced and you were done for.

"Are you sure Bella, we don't mind waiting for you." Alice's tone picked up and she began to bounce again.

Rose looked at me apologetically. "I was just kidding about this place… it's not that bad."

"It's okay guys, really. It's not like you've never seen me play before, and this is pretty much routine for me now." My stomach churned at my half truth. I knew full well how nervous I still got going up on stage, even after over 200 shows.

"And besides, you guys have been waiting months for this trip, and you only have three days to find him... so go." I smiled at my friends, truly hoping they would go have fun for themselves for once.

I hadn't understood at first when they both came to me with pleading eyes, begging to join me for my December trip to Seattle. It didn't make much sense, because of course they were coming with me, they always came on the road with me. Usually I was the one giving them the pleading look, letting them know when my next show was with hopes that they would come be my unwavering support - as usual. But this time it was them who approached me when they overheard me on the phone with some clubs.

Two weeks later I noticed tabloids on our coffee table as I cleaned, and I inwardly rolled my eyes at Rose and Alice. I didn't usually pay much attention to those magazines, they irritated me more than intrigued; _let people just live their damn lives - even if they are famous!_

Something caught my eye as I dusted around the pile of lies in print form. I picked up the tabloid and studied the cover; his usual pictures were plastered all over it. Catching him leaving a bar, walking his dog, smoking a cigarette - poor guy, I felt overwhelmingly sad for the man as I traced my finger over his face. He didn't look happy; Alice would say that was just his "badass look". Why all the chicks loved him - because he didn't give a shit. I didn't think so, while his face looked uncaring in a raw sexy way, his eyes always looked sad to me, like he was missing something that couldn't be replaced. My heart pulled for him, because I knew all too well what that felt like.

That argument always fell on deaf ears when I presented it to Rose and Alice. They would simply scoff and roll their eyes at me, continuing on with their debate about his love life and what they thought he could do to them between the sheets. "He _is_ a real person you know." I would tell them, knowing full well that they could care less.

'**Popular Hangout Places' **was printed in bold under his name, followed by a list of clubs and restaurants he was normally found at. There were several places listed in Seattle, his home town. Like a key in a lock, all the tumblers aligned and it clicked into place in that moment. _Of course they were dying to join me in Seattle, there was a slim chance they'd be able to find him. _

Unfortunately, the bar I was playing at was not on the list, and I sighed, knowing I was in for a long three days of bar/club/restaurant hopping; my feet began aching just thinking about it.

I was snapped back to reality by Alice's trill voice. "Okay Bella, but call us as soon as you get to the hotel so we know you made it back safe." She hugged me enthusiastically "You'll do great," she whispered as she pulled away.

"Yeah, and don't hesitate to call if you get harassed," Rose added as she pulled me into a tight hug.

I smiled into Rosalie's shoulder knowing full well that if anyone tried to mess with me she would be more than happy to break some fingers. I also knew how intimidating she could be to men and women alike, and sometimes that was enough to back down even the most obnoxious drunks.

"Ok, I will," I said, shuffling my feet, feeling a little like a schoolgirl being sent off on her first day.

"Now you go kick some ass," she finished, tugging at the ends of my hair, while flashing me a devilish smile and turning to dash off with Alice.

I watched as my two best friends made their way through the crowd to the exit and let out a heavy exhale. _There they go, my rocks, oh shit… they're gone. _

I turned back to the bar, spinning so fast white spots invaded my vision and my brain swam in my head momentarily. Nervous adrenaline whooshed through me, causing my heart to race. I. Needed. A. Drink.

Drumming my fingers, I tried to think of the best way to get the bartender's attention. He looked very busy - at the moment he was in deep conversation with a blonde with big tits.

_Bastard_.

I needed a drink so I was capable of going up on the stage and not making an ass out of myself, and he was too busy trying to get into Beverly Hills Barbie's pants. For a brief second I considered climbing over the bar and mixing my own drink, but then decided that would equal me making a bigger ass out of myself then simply tripping while on stage.

I cleared my throat. "Excuse me…" nothing. I watched his shoulders lifting up and down lightly as he laugh at something Barbie had said. _Oh, isn't that so cute._

"HEY!" I raised my hand and waved him over so my attempts would not be in vein. He turned, surprised, as if he was oblivious to the fact that he actually had a job to do.

"Rum and coke please," I said as I slid a twenty over to him. I was so relieved when I finally had the tall glass of liquid courage in my hands I flashed him a smile. "Keep the change."

_You're gonna need it with those bartending skills,_ I thought as I took a big sip of the glorious drink. I felt it run smoothly down my throat, warmth instantly stretching lavishly through my body. The air felt charged suddenly, a current of electricity prickled at my skin, closing my eyes briefly, I smiled at the splendor that was rum.

I felt the earth tilt under me, as my whole body slammed into something hard. Time slowed as I waited for the inevitable thud of my rear hitting the ground, all I could think was - _Damn, there goes my drink. _

Opening my eyes, I realized I had been squeezing them shut. The first thing I noticed was that my drink was still in my hand, upright and unharmed. The second thing I noticed was the buzzing of electricity had intensified around my waist, and I looked down to find a pair of long, lanky, yet muscular arms wrapped around me. I gasped as my brain processed that I had been saved from the embarrassment of falling on my butt. My eyes followed the arms that wound up into broad shoulders, finally meeting the gaze of my personal hero.

_Green_, the only thing that filled my head was that magnificent color. My senses came alive, and I could smell freshly cut grass and taste lime on my lips, how beautiful those eyes were.

I shook my head slightly to force my field of vision to broaden, focusing on the rest of the person, and my heart stopped.

"It's him," I mumbled, blushing furiously as soon as the words escaped me.

I craned my head back slightly to make sure I was seeing his face clearly, and sure enough, it was him. Edward Cullen was holding me around the waist, his face inches from mine.

"Are you okay?" His voice was like caramel, smooth and sweet, and I wanted to lick his face in hopes that he would taste just as good.

Instead I stood, abruptly, doing the only thing any normal, self-respecting girl would do when in the presence of greatness – I ran. Waving my hand in a gesture of _thanks I'm okay,_ I fled to the back of the stage.

Once in the cover of the darkened hallway, I slumped against the wall trying, futilely, to slow my ragged breathing and calm my heart - which seemed to on the verge of hammering its way straight through my rib cage. I muttered a quick 'thanks' to God for keeping me upright on my feet as I had fled through the crowd, because that was nothing short of a miracle. My heart still pounded in my chest, but my breathing slowed and my head was clearing.

_What the fuck,_ I thought, dumfounded to my body's reaction.

He's just a person, an incredibly gorgeous, successful person, but I had always prided myself on the fact that I wasn't just another one of those typical crazed fans. Sure, I liked his music, and I was always excited to go see him in concert when Rose and Alice got tickets. But I never accompanied them on their many failed attempts to sneak back stage just to catch a glimpse of him. That was when I would chuckle at my friends and head towards the car because it all seemed so silly to me.

But after just having his arms wrapped around me for a mere 30 seconds, I felt like I might self combust. I didn't even get that great a look at his face, there was too much green in the way.

"One minute Bella," I heard a booming voice call from the hall door. _Oh shit, okay time to pull it together Bella_, I quickly remembered the sweating, ice cold gold in my hands.

Sucking down the entire drink, I quickly pressing my thumb against the roof of my mouth in attempts to ward off brain freeze. Simultaneously, I felt the comforting warmth spread to my limbs, shaking them out to help my muscles relax.

_Here we go. _Breathing deep, I invoked whatever semblance of stage presences existed in me and headed onto the stage.

For once I was thankful for the all too bright lights while I was onstage. It was like pulling a curtain in front of me, and I was back in my apartment, singing to the walls. I felt my body immediately relax as I sat on the piano bench and my fingers found their familiar place on the keys. As I struck the first few notes the music reverberated through my bones, and I began to sing.

_Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something_

_I think you'll understand_

_When I say that something_

_I wanna hold your hand_

I loved opening with that because it was a slow bluesy rendition of the classic song with only the piano to accompany me. It eased me into my set and I think the audience too.

There was nothing like the feeling of being on stage. Once I let all my nerves melt into the keys I was completely at home; even better, I was in a place where nothing bad could get to me. All the evils of my past couldn't penetrate the vibrations coursing through my body, the music soothed my soul. And the feel of controlled air pushing through my lungs was indescribable; I would liken it to scream therapy - only prettier.

After my set was finished I stood slowly, careful not to knock over my guitar. I smiled politely to the audience, who was going wild cheering for an encore. Giving a quick curtsy and then wave, I left the stage. I was on an adrenaline rush and needed to calm down before I fell off the stage. My body was buzzing, and I had an ear to ear grin that I couldn't loosen from my face.

Once in the hallway backstage I looked around, not sure what to do with myself. Usually I would have Rose and Alice in my face, hugging and congratulating me over and over; instead there was a cool silence. I shivered, wrapping my arms around myself; it was arctic in the hallway compared to the scorching heat of the lights on stage.

Since my friends weren't there I decided on the next best thing. Pulling out my cell phone, I dialed Rose's phone.

"Bella!" she answered, screaming over the crowd at whatever club she was in. I could barely hear her and there was a loud crackling noise breaking through our connection.

"Hey Rose, I just wanted to let you girls know I finished my set, and I'll probably hang here for awhile, sell some CD's and then head to the hotel."

"Oh, okay, how did you do?" She said a little clearer this time, she must have moved away from whatever speaker she was standing under.

"Awesome, I was really on tonight. You guys would have been proud of me I didn't trip once." I laughed, still a little giddy from the rush.

"Great, here, let me get Alice… I know she wanted to talk to you. ALICE!" She bellowed. Then I heard the background noise pick up again and that annoying crackling returned.

"Bella! We - you, how - - set?" She was breaking up fiercely now, but I got the gist of her question.

"It was great!" I replied trying to keep in short, assuming she was having trouble hearing me as well.

"Oh – proud of you!" the crackling was becoming unbearable. "We haven't – Edward – try – club-" With that the memory came flooding back to me of the green eyes and the fantastic current around my waist. I had all but forgotten Edward once I began my set, which tends to happen, everything else melts away.

"OH!" I shouted drawing, in a gasp as if I had been shocked. "Alice he's HERE!" I shouted in to the phone.

Nothing, just the sound of static. Maybe she went into shock, or she and Rosalie were already in a cab on their way back here, dropping the phone in their haste.

"Alice? Did you hear me, I said he's here," I said in more of a stage whisper this time, realizing he could be anywhere. Again, nothing, and I realized we had lost our connection.

I tried Rose's phone again, beginning to get a little frantic, millions of thoughts were zooming through my head at once_. _

_They will be so upset if they miss him. I can't believe of all places he came here… tonight._ Snickering to myself, I thought of Rose's dismissive attitude of "a place like this".

_They have to come back so they can meet him. He touched me… he wrapped his long lean arms around my waist and saved me from the evil linoleum floor… green is such a beautiful color_. I shook my head trying to clear it of all the commotion inside.

After 10 attempts to each of their cell phones, all resulting in going straight to their voicemails, I decided they must not have service where they were. Then it occurred to me that he may have left already. It was highly likely that as soon as I began my set he was so turned off and disgusted that he left all together.

_Maybe its better I don't get their hopes up just yet. That means I have to go check, okay feet, move… do your thing._ I thought staring down at my shoes. They appeared to be staring back at me defiantly like striking union workers. All they needed were little mini signs that said "HELL NO - WE WONT GO!"

I gathered all the courage I could and made my feet move - union be damned - I had to do it for my friends. Slowly turning the corner, I scanned the bar as best as I could; he was gone, I had been right, my set had driven him away.

I sighed... in relief? I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling. Quickly I decided that I was relieved - I wouldn't have to put the girls' lives in danger by having them race back to the bar. It was an added bonus that I didn't have to put my dignity in danger either by having to explain myself for earlier. _And honestly it was saving him from being molested tonight by two love crazed fans, _I thought wryly as I weaved my way through the crowd to the back of the bar.

Concentrating on my feet, I ambled over to a booth in the back corner of the bar where I had set up my merchandise. The manager announced that I would be there, and I was surprised to see a line had formed. Sliding into the booth, I pulled out the metal tackle box I used to keep my money in. It probably was not the best way to operate when you're in an unfamiliar city, in a bar, at night; I was used to it though, and I had yet to have any issues.

The first women stepped up and asked for a CD. She looked to be in her early twenties, was very tall, almost as beautiful as Rose with the prettiest strawberry blond, ringlet curls falling down her shoulders.

"That's ten bucks," I said with a smile as I handed her the CD. I was caught of guard as she pushed it back to me with a sharpie and asked if I would sign it.

"I've been following you on your blog and when I heard you were going to be playing here I was so excited!" She said, practically bouncing up and down. I gaped at her, not fully use to hearing things like that.

I got that occasionally since Alice insisted on keeping a website of all my 'happenings'. I had resisted at first, but relented in the end. I mean, who really cared what I was doing? It had ended up being a good marketing tool though, Alice was right about that, but I certainly didn't think I would gain fans from it.

"Thank you so much." I recovered, signing my name and handing it back. I froze as she squealed, diving in to hug me. She turned quickly, smashing her cheek to my cheek in order to take a picture, the bright flash blinding me. I blinked several times, smiling warily - I was definitely not use to _that_.

The rest of the people waiting in line were more reminiscent of my normal customers. They congratulated me on a good set, asked when I'd be back and bought a CD - much better. Not that I didn't understand and appreciate her enthusiasm, it was more than flattering, but it made me feel like such a fake. I was no one that important, I was just normal, nothing spectacular to excite over.

Once the line was gone, I stretched and began to collect the leftover CDs, smiling because I didn't have many to pack up. A band was on stage playing a faster paced music, the bass guitar pushing the tempo, winding through the guitar as they melded together into the bridge. It had drawn everyone's attention to the front of the room. A crowd of people moved together like a wave, dancing in rhythm to the music.

I was grateful, I had my fill for the evening, and all I could think about as I zipped up my backpack was the big white fluffy comforter stretched across the hotel bed, untouched and waiting for me to crawl under. A lazy smile curled across my mouth at that thought.

"You were amazing up there." The voice startled me, making me drop my bag to the floor - suddenly I was in the mood for an ice cream sundae drenched in caramel.

I looked up slowly, hoping the sound was just a manifestation of my tired brain. No such luck, standing in front of me was the most beautiful being I had ever seen, and that includes Rose - which was saying something.

My mouth must have been hanging open because he quirked an eyebrow, flashing me an irresistible grin. _You never see that on the cover of those tabloids_, I thought briefly, drawing a smirk to my own lips.

_Where the hell did that come from? _ My brain was on auto pilot and my automatic responses were taking over. My body apparently wanted to flirt madly with the gorgeous being before me, hence the smirk… I didn't smirk at beautiful strangers… normally.

"Thanks," my voice came out a strangled squeak, my breathing had shifted to that asthmatic response I seemed to have around him. My heart was pounding so hard it was drowning out the sound of the music.

"Can I sit?" He gestured to the seat across from me.

"Sure," I said, wringing the ends of my hair in my hands. I probably look like an escaped mental patient; God knows I felt like one in that moment. "I thought you left," I said, not sure what else to say to him.

"No, I just hid when the line started forming for your stuff." He shrugged glancing around, and I felt stupid for not figuring out the obvious. For the first time I noticed that his golden bronzed hair was cover by a dark unmarked baseball cap, pulled low over his eyes. He was trying to be inconspicuous; frankly I was amazed no one had noticed him yet.

"I'm amazed no one's noticed you yet." Apparently brain filter was not on the list of automatic responses.

He shot me another quick smirk as he studied his hands clasped together on the table. "When I come here I sneak in the back before it gets too crowded. Then I usually sit back here the whole time and no one notices me." His whole body was bouncing slightly, his knee bobbing furiously under the table.

_Was he nervous? Of course he was… he doesn't want anyone to see him._ I inwardly answered my own question. He chuckled lightly and it was the most musical sound I'd heard all night. My body, still on auto pilot, smiled back at him and I chuckled too. _What's so funny?_

"What's so funny?" Damn, God please let me regain control of my mouth at least!

"Well, tonight was the first time my cover was almost blown… thanks to you, Bella." He shot me a pointed glance, his eyes dancing as he said my name. If I thought I was incapable of carrying on a coherent conversation with Edward before, it was nothing compared to when I heard my name play on his lips.

I was drooling, I was pretty sure I was drooling. I subconsciously wiped under my mouth, and then thanked the heavens for having such a dry mouth after my show and being too busy to grab a drink.

"So, you sneak in here often?" As soon as the words left my mouth I realized that it sounded like a cheesy pick up line. _Great Bella, why don't you just use the nice shoes line next…?_

"Ha, uh, yeah I guess." He smirked - he must have thought the same. My face flushed red, his smile stretching wider; stupid dilating blood cells.

"Can I buy a CD?" He asked, gesturing toward my backpack. I stared for too long at his hand, dumbfounded before snapping out of it. I fumbled with the zipper, feeling a small gleeful victory as I won the battle and the zipper's teeth finally separated, opening the bag, I handed him a CD.

"This one's on the house," I said, feeling awkward about accepting money from him, and at the same time stupid for using such cheesy terminology.

"No, I wouldn't dream of it, besides it's for a good cause," he replied, handing me ten dollars. I took the money, remembering why I do what I do in the first place and shot him a thankful smile.

Our eyes locked, I was transfixed by the deep green lit with flecks of emerald and lime, shimmering against this smooth tanned skin. It hit me then that I didn't have a chance in hell of continuing a conversation without gathering my thoughts; I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

Taking my time inside the sanctuary of the women's bathroom, I caught my breath and slowed my heart so that I could go back out to face him. I decided against calling Alice and Rose. They would berate me for it, but I felt a strange connection to him, and I couldn't help but still see sadness behind those emerald eyes. I couldn't put him through the hail storm that would be Alice and Rosalie, especially when they had been doing nothing but bar hopping and drinking all night.

I did a quick check in the mirror to make sure I didn't have any boogers hanging from my nose. For once I was thankful for Alice's mandatory dress up sessions before each of my shows. The pale yellow top made my skin look creamy and my normally dead brown eyes even looked brighter. I was even slightly tickled that the low v-neck of the shirt showed a little bit of cleavage.

_I love you Alice_, I sighed to myself, instantly feeling guilty that I was even contemplating spending more time with Edward. I knew then what had to be done.

"Hey," he grinned up at me with that crooked smile and those contradicting sad eyes as I approached the booth. Ignoring the electrical pull that grabbed me as soon as I was in his vicinity, I picked my backpack up and shoved it over my shoulder.

"Hey," I smiled warmly, I couldn't help it - he was so damn cute. "I'm gonna head out, I have an early show tomorrow, and I need to go back and get some sleep."

His face fell slightly and his eyes looked impossibly sadder as he seemed to ponder something. "Okay, well, where are you staying?"

"Uh, the W Seattle on 4th Avenue," I supplied, a little confused at his question. His face brightened significantly at that.

"Do you want to share a cab?" He asked with a strange look on his face, a mischievous gleam in his eye.

"Uh, sure," I shrugged. Edward stood up, closing the distance between us, and my breathing hitched as he raised his hand to my shoulder. Delicately he slid the backpack off my arm, leaving a tingling sensation where his finger barely brushed. His eyes never left mine, and I was swimming in the Chicago River on Saint Patrick's Day.

"I'll take that," he said in that low voice dripping of caramel. He was close enough I could hear his breathing and it seemed a bit shallow to me, matching my barely-there breaths. I could also smell him, my God, could I smell him; he smelled like clean laundry with an innate musky man smell - it was superb.

Once again my fight or flight reflexes kicked in, and I spun around, briskly walking toward the exit. I didn't stop until I was outside, finally turning, but I was surprised that Edward had not followed me out. A cab pulled up, and I was momentarily contemplating jumping in and asking the driver to speed away until I remembered – _Shit, he has my bag_. I motioned to the driver and he rolled his window down.

"Uh, I'm waiting for a … friend," I said, unsure. "Can you wait here for a minute till he comes out?"

"Tell your friend to hurry up lady," the driver said with annoyance, _geez_. I shook my head and turned to run back inside only to slam, once again, into something very hard. That familiar buzzing played around my waist as I looked up to see that Edward had saved me from falling - again.

His shoulders were shaking from a soft laughter as he lifted me to my feet, my brain shifted to auto pilot, momentarily losing all my inhibitions at the sound of his laughter. I stepped into him, my arm on his shoulder - his still around my waist. The lengths of our bodies were lightly touching, I felt like mine might catch fire from the current passing through us.

"Thanks, that's twice you've saved me. How can I repay you?" I asked, arching an eyebrow at him and glancing down at his lips, licking my own in the process.

_Where did my brain come up with this stuff? I'd never acted like this before_.

Then I realized it wasn't my brain – it was my body. Edward let a long breath escape his plump lips that were slowly twisting into his edible grin.

"Well I –"

HOOONNNKKKK! He was cut off by the obnoxious cabbie. The loud noise pierced my ears and shocked my senses back to me. I stepped out of Edwards arms towards the cab, slipping inside quickly.

"Where to?" The cabbie asked.

"Uh, the W Seattle on 4th Avenue," Edward said, irritation lining his voice as he slammed the heavy metal door.

"Where are you headed to?" I asked, wondering why he had only given the one address. That mischievous smile shadowed his lips again and my heart picked up an extra beat.

"I'm staying there too." He looked delighted in revealing that information.

"Well, isn't that convenient," I joked, not knowing how else to respond.

"Convenient for you in case you fall again," he chuckled

I had no response to that because it was embarrassingly true. I was glad for the darkness because I could feel the heat radiating off my cheeks, which I'm sure were crimson red.

"So, you didn't tell me why you choose that bar to sneak into. Don't you have thousands of more popular affluent clubs to choose from, with VIP rooms and fancy champagne?" I asked, feeling a little bit more like myself in the veil of the darkened cab.

"I like to keep a low profile, despite what the tabloids might print. I don't run all over town trying to get photographed," he responded, slightly defensive.

"Why go out at all then?" I challenged, feeling annoyed by his defensiveness.

"Because I _am_ a normal person you know," He countered, echoing my own words. "I like to go out and hear new up and coming bands, it's something I've always really enjoyed…" His voice faded, and I felt sorry for questioning him.

Of course he would want to be able to go out and just be normal, I've used that very defense for him before. I've felt that before myself, maybe not to the degree he had, but I knew what it felt like to live under a microscope. I didn't wish that on anyone.

"Sorry," I said, almost whispering. "I know it must be really hard."

"Ha, yeah, I'm sure you do," he scoffed, his tone causing a spike of anger to burn through me - _he doesn't know me._

"Yes, I DO," I said my, voice rising. "I know how much it totally sucks to have people in your face constantly expecting things of you. No matter what you do you can't make them happy, and everyone else gets to sit at a comfortable distance and pass their own judgments on your life and how you're living it, when all the while they don't get the benefit of actually living it and feeling the pain."

I was on a full blown rant, a passing car splashed light across Edward's face, and I saw his shocked expression. "At the end of the day what no one else seems to get is that you have to do it for the music - for yourself; not for anyone else," I finished, my voice softening. I began to feel badly for my outburst, I'd never been very good at controlling my anger.

The rest of the time we rode in silence. I was inwardly scolding myself for loosing such control with a perfect stranger, no matter what he said. I wasn't sure what else to say to him and it was clear he had nothing more to say to me. Why he even wanted anything to do with me in the first place was beyond me. It was more than obvious that he was way above my pay grade, and all I'd done so far was yell at him and run into him twice. Which reminded me of his disappearing act when we were leaving the bar.

"Where did you disappear to at the bar?" I asked, unable to quill my curiosity.

He snickered, relaxing slightly into the cloth seat. "I have to sneak in… so I have to sneak out too," he said slowly to emphasize its obviousness. "There's no point in being inconspicuous if I just waltz out the front door at the end of the evening, believe me, I've made that mistake before."

Flashes of other tabloid covers I had seen flitted through my mind of Edward surrounded by girls outside of bars with throngs of paparazzi snatching pictures of him being mauled. _Animals_.

We pulled up in front of the hotel, Edward shifted forward, paying the cab driver, his smell assaulting me when his arm reached across the seat - stunning me momentarily. Once coming to my senses, I offered to pay for half, but he refused, which only annoyed me; I hated it when people spent money on me.

Edward followed me to my room, and I suddenly felt very awkward; it would be rude to abruptly dart in the room and slam the door like my feet were trying to do. However, it would be monstrous of me to invite Edward _freakin_ Cullen in my room and not call my best friends to spread the wealth.

_But he's not a toy, he's a real person. _

Before I had the chance to finish mulling the dilemma over in my head, Edward answered it for me.

"Can I come in?" He asked, looking a little like a wounded puppy that I hadn't already invited him in myself.

Well, I couldn't be rude – "Sure," I smiled opening the door wider. My brain screamed at me to stop being so weak in his presence, however, my muscles just smiled and relaxed as he entered into my hotel room. I exhaled sharply, tendrils of hair catching the breeze and floating out around my face. Pulling the door closed with a soft click, I shook my head at what would apparently be a very long evening of Bella's brain vs. body.

**A/N: Please let me know what you think of this story, I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thanks bb's! -Buff**


	3. 2 Sold I to the Merchants Ships

**A/N: Katbug86 did her awesome beta'ing tricks. [hearts]**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of the respective characters belong to Smeyer. I do not own any Beatles songs either, unfortunately.**

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Chapter 2

Sold I to the Merchants Ships

EPOV

Music was my life; I ate, breathed, and slept music ever since I was a young boy.

My mom always told stories of me as little as one, babbling and singing along in perfect time to the music on the radio. I began playing the piano at the age of three, and the guitar followed shortly after; I was classically trained in both by the age of seven.

I have written songs as long as I can remember - they just always seemed to be in my head, constantly wrestling around in my brain - demanding a release. I would be in the shower and the refrain of a song would pop into my head, and I'd dive out, dripping wet, scrambling for something to write on. It had been my life, _all_ of my life, and I had always loved it.

When I signed my first record deal, I was over the moon, at only twenty-one all of my dreams had come true. Then life changed so drastically, I couldn't even tell you how things happened, or in what order. Thinking back, it seemed like as soon as my pen touched the paper of my contract, the whole world shifted. My album was recorded and in stores in less than a year, topping the charts in less than a month.

Tours came immediately after that, I didn't step foot in my house for over a year and a half. At first it all seemed so magical - life was so fucking perfect. However, the truth smacked me hard in the face the first time I was staring at my picture on the front of a tabloid in a supermarket. The truth was I no longer had a life.

I had truly sold myself in all sense of the word. My life was public property, and I felt like a slave in a lot of ways. I still enjoyed playing music, writing - the whole process was what got me out of bed every day. But after five years of constant attention, the fame had grown stale. The glitz and glamour were never what I was interested in. Don't get me wrong - I am a human being, I am naturally flawed - so I ate that shit up in the beginning.

The girls, the money, the fame, it was all a great perk just for me being able to do something that I loved doing. I couldn't help but wonder what I had ever done to deserve such luck in my life, to have everything I always wanted - well, _almost_ everything.

Reality could be a harsh light though, and I found myself in its glaring spotlight more often than not. I was no longer able to walk out on the street without being recognized and mobbed. The paparazzi stalked me like I was a wanted fugitive. I had learned how to be stealthy, but most of the time I wished that it wasn't even necessary. I wanted to be able to step out of my apartment and stroll down the street, buy a pack of gum and not have a single soul notice me - I wanted to be normal again.

There in lied my answer; it was not luck with which I had found my current life. I had earned it, and all of the 'perks' came with a heavy price, and some days I wasn't unsure if that price was truly even worth it.

For those reasons, I found myself yet again sneaking into the rinky-dink local bar, Twilight, hovering in the back so I could hear some of the new up and comings in the music world. It was one of my guilty pleasures, I loved indie acts, I loved finding the ones who were hungry for it - they always had the best music; the ones that didn't have it all and were working their asses off just to have a chance at it.

I had figured out a pretty good system for lying low, and most of the time I was able to semi-enjoy my time unscathed and un-photographed. In order for that to work, I had strict rules I held myself to, rules I had thrown out the fucking window that specific night. I was being completely careless, and I had no idea what had come over me. All I knew was that I was sitting on a stranger's couch, in her hotel suite, unsure of what to even say.

I didn't know why I asked to come in. At first I feared I was being too forward, that she would get the wrong idea, but the way her whole face lit up when I asked dulled those fears. Frankly, I found myself dumbfounded by the girl. Firstly, when I nearly knocked her to the ground, only managing to catch her inches from it; normally I would have let the person fall and move away as fast as possible so not to be recognized. I knew it seemed harsh, but it was the only way I was able to venture out into public: be completely invisible.

However, when I felt her soft, small frame jar into me there was an electrical pulse that sent my hands automatically out to grab for her. Then I found myself staring into the deepest pools of chocolate brown eyes I had ever seen. Her expression looked like one of complete shock, and all I could think was that she was injured. But as soon as I spoke she stood and fled. It was the strangest interaction I had had with a person since becoming famous - at least in the way it had effected _me_.

While waiting for the first act to begin, my brain replayed it over and over again, but there was something that was bothering me and I couldn't put my finger on it.

_Was it because she didn't recognize me; because she didn't scream at the sight of my face and immediately throw herself at me?_ I thought bitterly - that would have been a more typical reaction. _Had I become so accustom to that reaction that I now craved it - had I really become such a masochist? _

My internal mulling had been interrupted by the sound of the piano striking the chords of a familiar song. One of the few memories I had of my mother was of her playing old Beatles albums and dancing and singing along as she did house hold chores. After I had mastered playing the piano, I picked her favorite Beatles song as my practice piece; 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' I played it every day to remember my mother's face, and there it was, wafting softly through the crowd to me, drawing my gaze to the brightly lit stage.

There, perched on the piano bench like a glowing angel, sat the girl with the beautiful brown eyes. She was playing a slow sad bluesy rendition of the song I knew so well. It was a beautiful version; I was at a loss watching her on stage as she sang the words.

"_And when I touch you I feel happy, inside_

_It's such a feeling_

_That my love_

_I can't hide_

_I can't hide_

_I can't hide"_

She held out the last line of the verse and her voice was so rich and soulful. I watched as she seemed to lose herself in the music, singing as if no one else was in the room. I was mesmerized by her thin wrists bent perfectly over the keys, moving with such ease. Her long brown hair, wound down her back, glints of red shimmering under the stage lights. It looked soft and welcoming, my hands begging to comb through the luscious locks.

She finished the song and was rewarded with a loud applause from the audience. I made up my mind then that I had to talk to that woman - something about her was pulling me in.

I waited after the set, but she didn't immerge from the back hallway, and a line had begun to form at the table by the bar I presumed was hers. Emmett, the bar's owner and my long time best friend, grabbed my arm and shuffled me to a back room behind the bar so I had cover from the growing crowd.

"Thanks man," I said, realizing how close I was to another paparazzi storm.

"No problem man." He nudged me and turned back to the papers on his desk.

"So who was the girl that played the last set?" I asked attempting to sound casual.

"Her name's, ah, Bella Swan." He double checked the name on the paperwork he had in front of him.

"She some local girl who came in for the night?" I asked my curiosity piquing.

"No, she's not from around here; she's an indie act, pretty popular. I heard she was going to be in town for some charity concert, and I called her and invited her to play here. I thought her stuff was pretty good." He smiled his big goofy smile at me.

"Yeah she wasn't bad," I replied, taking my hat off and running my hand through my hair. "Does she do any original stuff?"

"I think it's all covers, she's got a CD and everything. All the proceeds go to cancer research from what I understand."

"Cancer research? You mean you're not paying her?"

"Na, I'm sending a check to the charity foundation she has."

"She has a whole foundation?"

"Yeah… why you so interested?" He quirked an eyebrow at me, causing me to fidget subconsciously. As many times as I'd seen new acts come through Emmet's bar, male and female, I'd never really expressed any interest and he was obviously recognizing that fact.

"Just curious I guess," I shrugged.

He smiled wildly at me, and I rolled my eyes at him. His big booming laugh filled the small office as he stood, swinging his fist hard into my forearm. "Little Eddie's got a crush?" He mused mimicking the voice of a 12-year-old school boy.

"No, nothing like that, I just liked her compositions of those songs. They were new and refreshing versions of some real classics."

He starred at me incredulously. "Since when did you start writing reviews for Rolling Stone?"

"Shut the hell up," I shot back at him, as he held his hands up in a truce.

"Hey, whatever dude, but I'll be the one saying _I told you so_ when you realize you're in love with that girl," he chuckled.

Rolling my eyes again, I waved my hand at him dismissively. "Now you're just being preposterous. I've not even spoken to the women."

He glanced over my shoulder out the one way mirror that looked into the bar. "Well, now's your chance," he nodded his head, and I followed his line of vision out to the table where she was sitting.

It appeared she was packing up her things; if I were to speak with her it would be my only chance. I took a deep breath and waved goodbye to Emmett who was laughing at my retreating form. _What a dick - a loveable dick. _

"Can I get you something to drink?" I looked up to see Bella going to the mini fridge in her hotel room. I had been so busy analyzing how I even got there; I had been completely in my own world for the last few minutes.

"Yes please, whatever you're having," I smiled at her as warmly as I could; she stared back for a half second too long.

I was still feeling very disconcerted by our odd and somehow intense exchange thus far; I'd never had such a hard time talking to a woman. Sometimes it seemed as if I could read most women's minds - they all always wanted the same thing from me, and that's easy to read. But Bella was so different, I had no clue what she was thinking or wanted and that irritated me. _Have I begun to rely too heavily on people just blurting out what they want at me that I've lost the ability to read people completely? _

"_Do me Edward!"_ That was what I usually got, or more explicit versions of that.

"Here, it's rum and coke, I hope that's okay." She passed me the small plastic cup, her fingers brushing mine lightly, that electric thrumming evermore present with our physical contact. She pulled her hand away quickly, and I was hoping she felt it as well - that I wasn't losing my mind.

"Thanks," I smiled. "So, Emmett tells me that you play for charity."

"Emmett?" She asked, before recognition passed over her face. "Oh, the owner of Twilight, yeah, all the proceeds from my gigs and CD sales go to a foundation I've created."

I nodded my head and mentally noted the fact that she didn't say _what_ kind of charity it was for - touchy subject? I decided to play it safe and steer clear of that topic.

"If you don't mind me asking, how are you able to do it?" I was always comfortable talking business, so I figured it would be a safe topic.

"What do you mean?"

"How are you able to play gigs, travel, plan charity events and make a living if all of your proceeds go to charity?" I clarified.

She blushed, for what reason I didn't really know, but I was momentarily distracted by the adorable pink color the spread across her cheeks.

"Um…" she furrowed her brow searching for the right words. "It's complicated," she shrugged. Once again Bella was supplying me with more mystery than answers and it was driving me crazy - what I wouldn't give to be able to read her mind.

"It's okay; you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. That was rude of me to be nosey," I smiled apologetically; you attract more flies with honey.

Her eyes jutted around the room a few times as she pulled at the ends of her shirt sleeves, which were drawn over her hands. Biting down on her bottom lip, she looked up at me anxiously like she was trying to make a decision. I took her momentary deliberation to really look at her.

Bella's skin looked like soft porcelain, almost breakable, her features were normal, but her eyes were wide chasms of rich mocha and flecks of cinnamon that I felt I could get lost in if I stared too long. Her lips were the color of lush, pink rose petals and looked just as soft. I watched her teeth pull at her bottom lip and my mouth actually began to salivate. Her brown, wavy hair that curled at the ends was spilling over her shoulders and down her back. She was truly beautiful, breathtaking.

"No, you're not being nosey. It's just … complicated."

Tipping my cup back, I forced the last bit of what was mostly rum down, eyeing her. She seemed to want to tell me, but something was stopping her, I struggled to weigh out how hard I should push - but I was admittedly more than curious. Then again, for whatever reason, I found myself wanting to know anything and everything about Bella.

"You already said that," I finally replied lightly, putting my patented "panty dropping" (Emmett's name - not mine) smile into effect.

Her eyes glazed briefly, falling to my lips and back to my gaze. "Well, it's just… I do have some money saved up, and Rose - my best friend - she is a financial whiz, so she helps…"

Her voice trailed and she dropped her gaze to her lap, lacing and unlacing her fingers that rested there as she shook her head softly.

"Look, I don't really want to talk about it," she mumbled, her voice sounding almost melancholy all of the sudden. I took that as my cue to stop pushing, nodding my head in a silent agreement, even though she hadn't been looking at me.

I opened my mouth to speak just as a knock came at the door. Bella's head shot up, eyes wide as saucers, all of the color draining from her face. "_Shit_," she whispered.

I furrowed my eyebrows at her, "Who -,"

"Shhhhh," she hissed, silencing me quickly. "Quick -go hide in the shower."

"Bella, what are you -,"

"Do. You. Want to. Be. Mauled?" She asked slowly, her voice deep and menacing. I scrambled off the couch, judging by the look on her face and the tone of her voice - she was completely serious, and I really, really did not want to be mauled.

The plastic of my cup crinkled and snapped as I slammed it down on the table, jutting into the bedroom and locating the bathroom immediately.

A million thoughts raced through my head - _old boyfriend, current boyfriend, over protective brother, rabid wolves._ I had no clue as to who I was hiding from, all I knew was that my heart was thrashing so hard inside my chest, the rum flooding through my system, and I felt light headed - the small hotel shower spinning around me.

Clutching one hand to my chest, in attempts to slow my heart and one hand on the white tile of the shower wall to balance myself, I breathed in and out; endeavoring to clear my head, trying to make sense of the situation.

I was not being myself; I sure as hell didn't feel like myself around Bella. In any other case, I wouldn't have been in her hotel room, let alone stuck around to hide in her shower. I didn't do shit like that. I didn't seek out women - it was far too dangerous and risky, because most of the time people couldn't be trusted, and I stuck to my core group - the ones that had been there since before I sold my life away.

_What am I doing?_

Letting my hand fall from my chest, I rested it on my knee, bending slightly and closing my eyes; my heart rate had slowed exponentially. Bella's soft shy smile flashed behind my closed lids, her warm eyes shining and my stomach clenched in excited knots.

Despite my confusion, one thing was for sure, Bella had captured my attention unlike any other woman I had ever met - and I wasn't going anywhere.

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**A/N: I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, we will get more in depth soon, I promise! Please press review and leave me your thoughts! **

**Now for an important message: I'm sure you are all aware of the amazing efforts put forth by The Fandom Gives Back to raise awareness for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation [ http:/www(dot)alexslemonade(dot)org/ ] which raises money for fighting childhood cancer. FGB is constantly doing things to raise money, but recently they have teamed up with KStew411 to try and raise some more. Last year when FGB and 411 teamed up they raised over $10,000.00! This year they want to top that, they have several different ways you can participate. KStew411 has items that can be purchased through a store (all proceeds go towards the fundraiser), or you could donate! Please take a moment to look into this more than worthy cause. If there is anything I have learned over the last year about this fandom, it is that we are a giving, loving _GOOD_ group. Show you're support and help the fight against childhood cancer.**

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**Thanks lovlies! - Buff**


	4. 3 Won't You Help to Sing

**A/N: A HUGE thanks to Katbug86 who, as always, beta'd this for me. She loves me so much she lets me ruin her vacation with work. : ) *mwah***

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 3

~o~

Won't You Help to Sing

BPOV

The soft leather of the couch seemed to be sucking me in as I stared back at Edward; I shifted, sinking deeper into the crevice between the arm and back of the cushion. His green eyes blared at me, like two emerald horns, crooning to me; 'tell me' they sang - his impenetrable stare disarming. I felt the unnecessary urge to bare my soul to him, a stranger. It made no sense, I never talked about it, not even to Rose and Alice, but I could feel it all bubbling at the surface, on the cusp of overflowing. I dropped my eyes to my hands, my fingers winding in and out of each other relentlessly.

Outside of his mesmerizing gaze, my head began to clear - the urge to tell all receding; sucking in a deep breath, I mumbled that I didn't want to talk about it. A second later there was a sharp knock at the door. _Thank God_, I thought, before the terrifying realization hit of who would most likely be at my door. "Shit."

My eyes flew to Edward as he began to speak, "Shhhh … quick, go hide in the shower," I whispered, putting as much urgency as I could behind my voice.

His head tilted, his expression confused as he hesitated. "Bella, what are you -,"

"Do. You. Want to. Be. Mauled?" I replied sharply, not a single trace of humor or gist to my voice. He seemed to grasp my intonation and stood quickly, moving toward the bedroom. My hands shook with the mixture of nerves and alcohol that sparked through my blood stream.

_They can always read me like a book - they will know._

Pushing those disconcerting thoughts out of my head, I stood and moved to answer the door; immediately tripping on the small, short ottoman at my feet. My body flew at the wall, my wrists and arms slamming hard against the calming taupe and cream striped wall paper. "Fuck," I cursed under my breath, grunting as I pushed myself upright.

"Bella?" a muffled voice sounded from behind the door to my left.

"Coming," I grumbled, flexing my wrists as I reached for the door.

As soon as the latch released and the door separated from the frame both Rose and Alice came barreling through - nearly knocking me over again. Spinning around, I gapped at the two girls, who were obviously checking the room for something. They both paused, exchanging a suspicious glance and then turned their attention to me.

Their knowing glares were enough to break me, and I had to physically hold back the need to shout '_Edward freakin Cullen is hiding in my shower!' _Instead, I dropped my gaze to my wrists, which were throbbing slightly. "What?" I asked finally, allowing the annoyance that was building to seep through.

"Was someone in here?" Rose asked first. I knew that tone - that was her 'don't feed me any bullshit' tone. Her words slurred together slightly however, and I felt a glimmer of hope that I could use their inebriated states to my advantage.

"No," I replied simply, digging the toe of my pumps into the plush carpet beneath my feet. I could feel my face warm though, and I prayed their vision was hazy.

"Have you been drinking Bella?" Alice asked, her voice softer than Rose's, but her words just as pointed, only running together, slightly mushy.

Shaking my head, I raised my eyes to their faces, settling on the wall behind them. I couldn't look Rose in the eye - whatever I did - I couldn't do that, she would read my very soul, and I involuntarily shuddered at the thought of her uncanny ability. "No."

"Then what are those, and why are there two?" Rose shot back at me, arms crossing tightly against her chest.

_Fuck me. _"Uh… I mean, I haven't had a drink yet. I … I just got back and poured the drink." I shook my head as if to corroborate my own story as it formulated.

"Yeah, and then my phone rang and I answered it, I forgot I had already poured the first drink and made a second by accident," I finished with a shrug, a small smile gracing my lips. _That's totally believable_.

"Who called?" Rose questioned, wiping that damn smile right off my face.

"Um, Charlie," I responded without thinking. My heart was racing wildly inside my chest, and I was certain beads of sweat were forming on my brow. I felt like I was under a spot light, being interrogated by Rose of all people - I was so fucked. Sighing, I resigned to tell the girls the truth, what was the point in lying anyway? _Oh yeah - the mauling of that beautiful, sad boy - shit._

"Charlie?' Alice squealed, interrupting my internal monologue. She clapped her hands together excitedly and plopped down on the sofa. "Oh, Bella I'm so happy you talked to him! How is he? Is he planning on coming to one of your shows? Are you going home for Christmas?"

God bless Alice and her over-eagerness, her love of my father, and wanting to always fix things. She had effectively ended the inquisition by buying into my bullshit lie. I felt horrible, not only was I lying, but I hadn't spoken to my father - something I'd promised Alice I would do while in Seattle. Charlie and I weren't on bad terms, we just didn't talk much. It was too difficult, I think it hurt him to see my face, and I didn't want to put him through anymore pain then I already had, so I kept my distance.

"Whoa Alice, reign it in babe," I chuckled, swallowing the guilt that formed a lump in my throat. "We only talked for a second, no plans were made, but it was nice -he's good," I lied with my serpent's tongue; but promised myself I would call Charlie the first chance I got the following day.

"Ohh, Bella, I'm so glad you two spoke though, that's wonderful!"

Rose cocked an eyebrow at me, pursing her lips tightly before sighing and dropping down next to Alice.

I scrambled to think of something to change the subject with, so that I didn't have to continue my deceit. "Oh! How was your night? Did you girls have a good time?"

Both of their expressions fell simultaneously. "No," Alice moaned. "We couldn't find him anywhere!"

_Well, shit_. Not exactly the topic I meant to lead us to. Rose sat, indignant, as if she could care less, but I knew she was pissed as well. I found myself once again on the verge of telling them the truth, I had to get them out of there.

Stretching my arms widely, I threw in a yawn for good measure. "Well that's too bad, maybe tomorrow you'll have better luck? Well, I think I'm going to bed ladies, I have to be up early tomorrow." I pivoted, walking to the door so they would follow.

To my relief, when I turned, door hovering open behind me, Alice and Rose were on their feet, fumbling toward me. "You guys look like you could use some sleep anyway."

"Okay Bella," Alice sang. "But tomorrow night you're coming with us on our search." She stopped directly in front of me, leaning in on wobbly feet as she swayed lightly, her boney little finger pressed into my shoulder, and I couldn't help but laugh at her. _Tipsy much Alice? "_Got it?" She finally slurred.

"Got it," I giggled, not giving a second thought to what I had just signed up for.

Rose reached over Alice's head and tousled my hair quickly. "Night B."

"Night girls," I replied as I watched them retreat down the hallway to their room. The door fell closed with as easy click, and I rested against it momentarily. _Crisis averted._

The nervous excitement from earlier came flooding back tenfold as I remembered I still had Edward _freakin _Cullen hiding in my shower. My knees shook lightly together as I stepped toward the bedroom. Stopping just short of the door I called softly, "You can come out now," my voice coming out a strangled squeak.

A rustling sound came from inside the room and Edward emerged seconds later, an ever inquisitive - albeit humored - look on his face. "So, did you get rid of the bear?"

My forehead rumpled in confusion as I shook my head slowly trying to comprehend. "They're not bears."

Edward's face split in two, a thunderous laughter filling the space between us. I couldn't help the reflexive smile that pulled at my lips.

"What?"

"Well, I just figured with the potential mauling and all it was something dangerous you were fighting off for me," he replied through dampening chuckles.

I rolled my eyes, _haha_. "No, just a few crazed fans of yours that happen to be my best friends."

He stopped laughing immediately, straightening his back slightly. "Oh, well thank you then." He looked almost contrite.

My eyes widened, "Oh, they wouldn't have really mauled you - I mean at least I don't think they would have, but they had been drinking. I just, I wasn't sure how they would react, and they have been on the hunt for you for quite some time…" my clarification faded as I found myself at a loss for a sensible explanation.

_Had I truly hidden him for his "safety" or my selfishness?_

"So you chose me over giving me up to your friends, how chivalrous of you Miss Swan."

"Well, some things are better left untarnished, and those girls … well let's just say I've heard what they have in mind to do with you. And quite frankly I don't know if you or your jaw would survive."

Edward's mouth fell open, gaping at me; the blood vessels in my cheeks exploded as I realized the connotation of what I had said. How the hell was I going to explain that they thought his jaw was hot, and not that I meant … _that_.

"Ah, no - that's not what I meant, I just, see you have a very sexy jaw, and ..."

_NO Bella bad - bad, that's worse! _

"What I mean is _they_ find it very sexy, and would have most likely fixated their attention there and, well I've heard their discussions of what they would do. It - just … please, dear Lord, make me stop talking," I mumbled, averting my eyes as I drew my hand across my forehead.

A deafening silence filled the room, and I fought the urge to claw at my ears, the tension prickling at my skin. I wanted nothing more than to never have to look at him again after the foot-in-mouth marathon I had just run, but he wasn't saying a fucking word.

Reluctantly, I drew my eyes back up to him. He was grasping at his stomach, his whole body bent in half and convulsing.

_Oh God, I broke him, my convoluted brain has snapped this poor man. _

Suddenly his head flew back and I saw his face - scrunched up, his nose wrinkling in the most adorable way as he continued to shake with silent laughter.

My eyes narrowed at the sight of his utter enjoyment of my bumbling idiocy, and without thinking I reached across and shoved him. "It's not funny Edward, I can still call them back in here!"

That shut him up; he smacked his hand across his mouth, shaking his head violently. I expelled a heavy breath turning back to the couch and my drink - _oh my glorious drink, you will be kind to me._

The cushion shifted beside me as Edward sat down, reaching for his own, empty cup.

"So, where were we?" I asked before I remembered we had left off with me in a very uncomfortable spot.

"Well, we were talking about your business, but you said you didn't want to talk about it, so I will respect that," he replied honestly, catching me off guard.

Squinting at him slightly I tilted my head in consideration. Most people would have jumped on the opportunity to pry - Edward did not, he was respecting my boundaries, something I gathered he didn't get a whole lot of. Images of tabloid magazines filtered through my head, and I felt sorry for him once again - _those sad eyes_, _how must he feel about being treated that way?_

I threw back my drink in a quick fluid motion, shuddering as the spice of the rum bit at the back of my throat. "What about you." I pointed my finger in his face, brushing it across the tip of his nose. I was already feeling emboldened by the quick shot of alcohol and I got up to pour myself another.

"What about me?" he replied, handing me his cup for a refill as well.

"Why do you look so sad?"

"I didn't realize I did."

I took a quick shot directly from the bottle, waving my hand in the air, signaling he didn't get it.

"No, no. You always look so sad in all those pictures on those tabloid magazines." He raised his eyebrow, accepting his drink, and I felt my cheeks burn. _Had I really just asked him that… idiot!_

"Well, most of the time I'm caught off guard, but I usually at least try to smile…" taking a swig from my full drink, I interrupted him by shaking my head profusely.

"No, it's not the actual pictures, it's this…" Lifting my hand, I gently smoothed two fingers softly over his right eye. His lids fell closed and I relished in the feeling of his soft eyelashes fluttering against my fingers.

_Good Lord, even the fine baby hairs of this man's eyelashes exudeds electricity._

Opening his eyes, he smiled at my simple touch. I felt like kissing my cup of rum and coke for giving me the guts to attempt that move. I was pleased by the reaction and curious to our seeming electric chemistry.

_Was it always like this for him?_

"Is what always like this for me?" He asked, his smile growing wider as my face first drained of all its color and then turned bright red.

_Shit. I said that out loud._ I really needed to remember that my brain didn't function properly around him, especially with intoxicants in my system.

"Uh, well I …" I sighed and figured, what the hell.

"Do you spark electricity for all women or just the ones you really like?" I tried to make it a teasing question, maybe he would think I was just flirting. He gaped at me for a second, and then quickly rearranged his features, that mischievous grin from earlier in the evening returning to his face.

"It's not a normal occurrence," he said, extending his pointer finger and gingerly tracing it up my arm, raising the flesh it its wake. My pulse quickened and I subconsciously leaned toward him.

"Edward…" I breathed, smiling as he visibly shuddered in response.

"Yes Bella?" He crooned back, and I forgot how to breathe all together as he looked into my eyes.

_God I love hearing this man say my name. I want to hear it over and over and over …_

Things were getting too intense, and I knew it was going to go one of two ways. One of which would most likely cost me two of the best friends in the world. I sighed at that realization and pulled away, slightly.

"You didn't answer my question," I responded, my voice falling flat.

He moved his hand off my arm and cupped the base of my scalp, pulling the hair off of my neck. Leaning in, his lips brushed my neck, below my ear, the deep bass of his voice tickling the slight hairs on my skin.

"Bella, I don't know what you are talking about."

My brain melted. I didn't know what the hell I was talking about either. And if his lips hadn't sung my name softly into my neck, I would have forgotten that all together as well.

His nose touched my skin as he lightly inhaled, reminding me that I should be breathing. My arms hung like limp fish at my sides, not wanting to disturb the magnificent feeling by awkwardly touching him.

Slowly, my head tilted into his, and I breathed him in as deeply as I could. My nose tingled from his scent, it was glorious, and a small smile fell across my lips. My body was acting completely on its own accord - smiles and all. It was as if it had found something it had long been searching for, lacking any regard as to how my sensibilities felt about it.

As his nose trailed up my neck, my stomach fluttered uncontrollably, the muscles in between my thighs tightening. Our cheeks were touching, and my lips buzzed in anticipation for what I hoped he was about to do. Turning my head more towards him our mouths finally brushed with an even more intense crackle than I'd felt yet.

He gently added pressure and I finally felt the fullness of his lips against mine, but my body wanted more. I parted my mouth slightly, licking his top lip in a question; slowly he inhaled and opened his mouth, answering yes. His tongue slid against mine and I relished in the feel; it was smooth and soft, and the force playing against my own tongue was the most erotic thing I had ever felt.

Edward tasted beyond description; it was spice from the rum, the sweetness of the soda, and him. It was some sort of special concoction that could not be described. His hands were in my hair pulling me closer to him; I forced my arms to finally move, slowly placing my hands on each of his shoulders.

My intensity grew, Edward matching it as he kissed me harder, plunging his tongue deeper, and I couldn't stop the moan that seemed to come from my core. He must have liked that because he fisted my hair, running his other hand down to my lower back. Sliding his hand underneath me, he pulled me onto his lap. I elicited a moan from him as I settled onto his obvious erection. My hands were in his hair and all I could think of was silk and tongues. I was beginning to feel light headed, reluctantly pulling away to breathe before I passed out. We both sat, panting, our foreheads resting on one another.

"Well, that was interesting," he said, breathlessly.

"I think that was better than most sex I've had" I replied, immediately regretting how much of an idiot I probably sounded like.

"Is that so?" He chuckled, and I cringed. "Yeah, I'd say it was the best damn kiss I've ever had. No wonder I've been dying to do that since you bumped into me at the bar. I think my body knew it would be that good."

I peered into his eyes, which had darkened to a stormy moss green, hooded with lust - a perfect reflection of what I felt like. We were both thinking about that kiss; who wouldn't? But I found myself trying to decide how far I really wanted things to go.

Did I really want to be just another notch on his rock star bedpost? I knew he'd probably had hundreds of one night stands and it wouldn't bother him. I slowly slid off his lap causing him to groan at the light friction.

Honesty would be best.

"Edward, I don't want to have sex." The look of shock told me that maybe that was too brash, or maybe I hurt his feelings?

"I don't mean… look, judging from that kiss, I can safely say sex with you would be phenomenal." His expression lightened a bit at that statement.

"I just don't want to regret anything. I have enough of that in my life, and I think that a one night stand is not something I need right now."

"One night stand? Who said anything about a one night stand?" He questioned, and I flushed, hoping I hadn't offended him.

"I'm sorry; this is coming out all wrong. I didn't mean anything by that, I just know that you travel all over, and I'm sure you meet people like this all the time. And that's not a big deal; I just don't want to be a tally mark for someone…" I trailed off confounded by my inability to coherently express what I was trying to tell him.

He just sighed, smiling kindly at me, and I prayed he understood. "It's okay Bella," he took my hands. "You are a very sweet girl, and I wouldn't want you to feel that way. It's fine, we don't have to do anything you don't want to." He sat up, straightening himself.

"I've been dying to ask you about your music arrangement for 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand', who wrote that for you?"

I beamed, knowing that he was serious and it really was okay if we just hung out, and to top it off he was curious about the arrangement I wrote for a song I sang tonight.

_This man is a saint - Edward, Patron Saint of Kissing, _I dubbed him as I began talking about how I came up with the song arrangement.

We talked for hours after that, playing twenty questions, talking about music and our families, keeping it light of course. I even told him more about Alice and Rose's quest to find him, and he thanked me again for not telling them he was there. We talked until our throats were dry, and when we were too tired to talk anymore we found an old movie to watch on TV.

I sat on the couch of my hotel room with Edward _freakin_ Cullen's head in my lap as he snored lightly, stroking his beautiful silky locks, realizing for the first time in almost two years I felt truly happy, and I didn't need the high of being on stage to feel it. I smiled down at the beautiful man with sad eyes and kissed the top of his head.

"Thank you, Patron Saint of Kissing, for an amazing evening," I whispered into his hair as he stirred lightly.

Carefully I slipped out from underneath him, trotting to the bedroom to grab a pillow and blanket for him from the bed. After tucking him in, I stumbled sleepily to the bed; I had to be awake in two hours for a Christmas Charity concert, and I was probably going to be dead to the world. I drifted off to sleep smiling, knowing it was all well worth it.

~o~

I awoke to my phone buzzing incessantly atop the nightstand. Groaning, I rolled over, smacking my hand against the offending noise, but missing completely. The sting of hitting the wooden table resonated through my hand, propelling me forward in the bed.

"Ow! Shit, stupid fucking phone," I grumbled, bracing my hand against my chest, waiting for the stinging to subside.

The beeping continued and I glared down at the table, wishing in that moment that I had a super power - like laser vision. The screen illuminated, flashing 'alarm' and that it was 7:02 am. It was still fairly dark outside, the soft haze of a grey dawn filtering through the hotel window. "Two hours is not enough fucking sleep," I ground through my teeth, reaching for my phone and finally successfully shutting off the god-forsaken noise.

Reluctantly, I pushed the covers back, dropping my feet to the floor, the cold air biting at my skin. I stumbled to the bathroom, unable to get to the warmth of the shower fast enough. Once the tepid water pelted against my skin, my muscles relaxed against the heat and pressure. Unfortunately, I only had an hour before I needed to be at West Lake Center so I had to make it a brief shower.

Thirty minutes later, I was dressed, my hair somewhat presentable and hovering in front of my bathroom mirror. Somewhere along the line it dawned on me that when I left I'd have to possibly speak with Edward again. Last night had been amazing, I hadn't felt at ease so quickly with someone, well - ever.

However, I couldn't placate the nagging feeling that if I saw him again and opened my mouth I would screw everything up. Sighing loudly, I pulled the brush through my hair one last time. Alice would actually probably kill me for going to a gig with my hair un-primped, but I didn't have the time nor energy to really care.

Straightening my cream sweater, I tugged on the long festive necklace that hung down to my stomach, tiny red and green bells jingling against my fingers. Quickly I checked my black leggings to make sure they were lint free, the sweater hugged my barely-there curves, hanging to the top of my thighs.

_Comfortable, casual, cute - right? _I groaned, wishing Alice were there to approve, but knowing full well she and Rose were passed out. I would just have to go with my instincts. _Since when did I not just do that anyway? _I wondered idly, tucking my hair behind my ears; I suppose Alice had thoroughly mind fucked me into believing I had no clue what I was doing - although she was probably right.

Dropping down to the side of the bed, I pulled on my favorite accessory to my outfit - a pair of knee high leather heeled boots, complete with straps up the side. I loved them, they were elegant, but had enough rock star quality that I felt pretty bad-ass in them. When Alice presented them to me several months ago, I laughed in her face. She knew I didn't wear heels - let alone 'hooker boots'. She was a persistent little thing though, and ultimately I found myself wearing them to my show that very evening.

I was shocked to find that I could not only walk in them and that they were just as comfortable as my tennis shoes, but I felt powerful in them. I felt like I could kick someone's ass and take some names - it was a tad thrilling, and I kissed Alice rightly on the mouth after my show. I would never forget how she lit up like a Christmas tree at my reaction, that's one of the many reasons I loved her so - she lived for other people's happiness.

Standing a good four inches higher than my normal height, I stretched my arms above my head, popping my back several times. My body felt tired and sore from an all too short night's sleep, but at least I was somewhat functional.

With one last glance over my shoulder, I grabbed my purse and tip-toed through the bedroom door. The sound of Edward's soft snores filled the living room, making my heart palpitate in weird ways. He was still there - and he was still sleeping. I hadn't made it all up in my head, and he hadn't woken and run screaming from the room; those were all good things.

Chancing a peek, I tipped up onto my toes to gain a better look at his face. Even upside down, he was devastatingly handsome. His eyelids fluttered lightly as his dream lulled him in his sleep. The straight line of his nose, moving flawlessly into the pout of his lips was all too tempting. A swirl of desire and excitement flourished through me, darkening my cheeks; _oh how soft those lips were._

I felt suddenly guilty that he would wake up alone, because I knew how disappointed I would have been had he not been there when I woke. However, the logical part of my brain justified that it would be easier, and he would most likely be relieved - no awkward goodbyes.

I pulled a memo pad from the top of the mini fridge which had a large 'W' watermarked at the top. Quickly I scribbled a goodbye, thanking him for a wonderful evening and wishing him well. As I closed the hotel door behind me a pang of regret, and a much deeper, unidentifiable emotion tugged at my insides. I would never see him again, and against my better judgment, I felt a loss at that realization.

~o~

West Lake Center wasn't far from the hotel, so the cab ride was short. I hopped out, paying the driver and glancing up at the large building with a huge glass window front. Retrieving my cell phone, I dialed my contact's phone number to let her know I had arrived and to figure out where I was suppose to meet her.

"This is Maggie," she answered, her flittering Irish accent making me smile immediately.

"Maggie, its Bella. I'm here now, where am I meeting you?"

"Bella! It's so wonderful to finally speak with you! I have been beyond busy trying to attend to all the small details of this show, but Liam said you were just a dear to speak with."

My cheeks flushed at her kind words; even over the phone I was unable to take a compliment. "Uh, ha, yeah, he was very nice to speak with, he had some wonderful things to say about your program, I couldn't turn down the opportunity to participate."

"Yes, wonderful dear, I am on the ground level at the Starbucks, I can't function without my coffee in the morn. I can wait for you here if you'd like."

"That sounds perfect," I responded, heading through a large glass door. The bustling noises from the inside of the mall surrounded me instantly; the click of heels against the linoleum, the rustling of bags and murmured conversations. "I am headed that way now."

"Wonderful dear, what can I get you?"

"Um, oh, no that's okay," I replied when in truth I would have killed for a tall dark cherry mocha and a blueberry muffin. As if on cue, my stomach rumbled loudly.

"Nonsense, what do you normally get?"

"Well, a tall dark cherry mocha and a blueberry muffin?"

"Excellent sweets, I am ordering now, see you in a few."

"Thanks Maggie."

The mall was decked out for Christmas with garland and twinkling lights strung throughout the corridors. I sighed, taking in the beauty of it - I loved Christmas decorations. Tucking my phone back into my purse, I grabbed a map from a kiosk and found where the Starbucks was located.

I could tell Maggie right away, her demeanor fit the voice perfectly. She stood against a side counter, her shoulders just barely rising a foot above the 4 foot counter; her ginger, ringlet curls bunched against her shoulders. She looked calm and gentle, waving me over as soon as she spotted me, her smile genuine and welcoming.

"Bella, lass, oh you're just that much prettier in person dear!" She gushed, pulling me into a quick hug. "The photo on your website doesn't do you justice."

I smiled shyly, tucking my chin in, gaze fixed on the floor. "Oh, please Maggie, you're too nice. It's wonderful to meet you too."

My eyes drew to hers briefly as she nodded her head, her arm entwining into mine. "Alright, well, let's get you settled in and we'll go over the program. The crew has everything just about set. Shall we?"

I grabbed my coffee and muffin, thanking her and nodding as she turned and in a graceful flourish, seemed to float away.

After Maggie introduced me to Liam and showed me the stage where I would be performing she went over the layout of the show.

"The girls will come from behind the 'backstage' area and walk down our little runway here, do a little spin and go back," she said, gesturing towards the T-shaped, temporary stage that had been constructed. Off to the left of the stage was a second raised area where a piano and my guitar sat.

"Really we're not expecting it to be America's Next Top Model; most of these girls are barely even into their teens, and I believe our youngest is five."

"Really? That young?" I asked, surprised. I knew the 'models' were going to be kids that either had cancer, were in remission, or had a family member going through the disease. So I knew not to expect professionals - but I didn't expect kids that young. My chest tightened at the thought of a five year old child with cancer.

"Oh, yes, we have a few around that age, and yes, they do have cancer. I know it's hard to think about, but the point of this is to raise money and awareness, so its beneficial for them and us." Maggie smiled sympathetically at me, the melancholy apparent in the change in my behavior.

"Thank you again for doing this Bella, I can't tell you how much we appreciate it. And some of these girls are through the moon to meet you!"

I smiled, trying to shake off the overwhelming sadness that loomed. "I am thrilled to meet them as well, and this is my pleasure," I replied truthfully.

"Well, should we go meet the girls then? They are in a back room getting dressed, and I'm sure they would love to say hello."

"Sure, sounds great."

I followed Maggie around the back of the stage and through a set of plain white unmarked double doors that were obviously meant for mall employees. The cement hallway was cold and dark, a drastic difference between the festive décor of the mall. My heels clicked heavily against the bare floors, reverberating off the walls. Maggie's feet, although she was also wearing heels, seemed to remain silent. I furrowed my brows, focusing on her feet as I walked, how could someone be so light on their feet?

"Bella?"

The voice stopped me in my tracks, my head whipping up then swiveling left and right. My initial instinct was that it was my imagination, but as my gaze fell to the end of the hallway, sure enough - there he stood. Leaning against the colorless cement wall, looking like he just stepped out of a GQ magazine, was my Patron Saint of Kissing.

"Edward?" My voice barely registered with even my own ears.

His eyes crinkled as his mouth gave way to a delicious grin. I stared at him, unsure of what to say. _What was he doing here? How did he know where I was going to be? _A slew of questions and insecurities rushed me all at once, rendering me essentially comatose. It was Maggie who broke the silence, bless her.

"Mr. Cullen? Are you here to help with the charity event this morning?" Her voice was surprisingly curt, but curious. There wasn't a trace of awe, or disbelief, it was as if she already knew him.

My gaze cut to her, and I noticed she was eyeing me warily, concern written on her face. _OH! _She was worried by my reaction which was why her tone sounded almost cold towards him. I opened my mouth to speak, to let her know that despite the fact that I had gone white as a sheet, Edward was okay to be there, and I was fine.

Edward beat me to it, however, smoothly rolling right into an explanation as if it were complete fact. "Actually, I am."

My eyes shot to him, wide and unsure.

"Bella asked if I would help and I am more than happy to do what I can."

Maggie's expression flitted to me, and then back to Edward. Seemingly happy with his response, her hard expression melted into the soft gentle appearance I was greeted with earlier in the morning.

"Of course, well how wonderful! Bella, you should have told me, these girls are going to just die!" Maggie was exuding excitement as that realization hit her.

I smiled, my eyes narrowing at Edward briefly before I turned back to Maggie. "Oh, it completely slipped my mind. Maggie? Would you mind if I had a word with Edward? You can go prep the girls for their … surprise. I'm sure they will be stunned to see him here - unannounced," my words were pointed, and I looked back to Edward as I finished.

"Oh, absolutely dear, the room's right down this hall, last one on the right." She winked at me and flashed Edward a quick grin as she whirled and skipped down the hallway with silent feet.

I eyed Edward for a second, becoming distracted by his appearance. He was in a pair of perfectly worn jeans, a white button down shirt and a leather jacket, his hair in perfect disarray. I didn't even think I would see him again, and there he was - looking completely, heartbreakingly, beautiful. Even his sad eyes had an extra light to them.

"How did you know where I would be?" The first thing that came to mind tumbled out of my mouth.

He smiled sheepishly, he eyes falling to the sunglasses in between his fingers. "Well, I sort of called Emmett. He had mentioned it last night, and I figured he would know where it was," he shrugged, his lips turning down slightly, his brows furrowing in irritation for a brief moment. He seemed to be thinking of something before it was gone, and he was looking me straight in the eyes again, all jade green and bright white smiles.

_Dear God help me._

"Well, I … I mean not that I'm not glad to see you, but - I don't know, I guess I'm in shock to be honest."

"Well, I can go if I'm making you uncomfortable. It's just we didn't get to say goodbye, and I wanted to - to tell you goodbye that is."

I immediately felt guilty, he had been sad to wake alone this morning. "Oh," I breathed.

He took a few steps toward me, stopping just outside my personal bubble, which buzzed with our currents mixing. He reached his right hand up, cupping my cheek. I melted into his touch instantly, wanting to curl into his arms and never leave. Tilting down, my eyes fell closed as his nose brushed against mine.

"Goodbye Bella," he whispered, his warm breath fanning across my skin, rippling goose bumps erupted.

"Goodbye Ed-" I was cut off when his lips crashed gently into mine, the warm soft flesh mingling with my mouth. It was slow and lavish, and I could have gone on that way for a million years.

He pulled away first, and I leaned back with him, my lips moving like a fish out of water, my eyes still closed as I searched for contact once again.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?" I replied, fluttering my lids open. He was staring down at me with such intensity I was afraid of what he might say next.

"We should probably go. You have a dozen little girls who are thrilled to meet you."

I rolled my eyes and huffed exaggeratedly, "Sure, until they find out _you're_ here - then I'm chopped liver."

He chuckled, resting his arm across my shoulders as we turned down the hall. I inhaled his earthy fresh scent - _mmmm … _he had showered recently. I had an incredible urge to run my nose behind his ear and sniff him to death, but I fought back the pulling need and focused on my feet moving - one in front of the other.

It was impossible, I couldn't concentrate on any one thought; too many questions were overwhelming me. I picked one out of my head at random, needing answers. "What are you going to do?"

He stopped short, turning with a confused expression. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, how _are_ you going to help anyway? You can't very well parade around the mall, you'll be violated in various ways," I finished mildly, realizing my tone had seemed accusatory and turning it into a joke.

Edward chuckled rolling his eyes, once again I seemed to miss the obvious. "Of course not Bella, I can't go out there." He nudged his chin in the air, narrowing his eyes in the direction we had just come from, as if considering what may happen if he were to venture out into the wilds of West Lake Center.

Shaking his head, dispelling an apparently displeasing thought, he returned his gaze to mine. "I was hoping there was something _behind the scenes_ I could help with."

"Oh, well, yes then actually. The kids would love to meet you clearly, but we are doing an after party with them, you could help with that? It's in one of these conference rooms," I gestured around the stark white hallway, void of any decoration - completely utilitarian in every way.

He smiled, linking his arm in mine, his body relaxing against me. "I would love to Miss Swan, shall we?"

My lips pulled tight against my teeth, returning his contagious smile as I nodded. A small thrill running through me as I wrestled with the fact that what was happening was real life and not a sick, sleep deprived concoction of my imagination. "Yes, we shall Mr. Cullen."

Turning right at the end of the corridor, I spotted Maggie leaning against yet another plain white wall. I could barely make out a door camouflaged in the same white to her right. Her ginger hair looked on fire in comparison to the blandness that surrounded her. I smiled, supplying a small wave, and watched as her face lit up when she spotted us; she pushed away from the wall, standing to her full height.

"All set then?" Her piercing blue eyes flitted between the two of us.

"Yes, are the kids ready?'

"Oh yes, they are all squealing messes over their surprise." She leaned in conspiratorially, stage whispering to no one in particular, "I may have given them a hint."

I couldn't help but laugh, nudging Edward in the ribs. "Hear that champ, sounds like you've got some fans."

"Ow, ha, yeah… so I've heard."

I rolled my eyes at his flippancy, it were as if she were speaking about someone else. "Yeah, well, just don't go upstaging me and stealing my thunder," I couldn't keep a straight face as I finished, I was fully aware that there was zero competition, I came nowhere close in that race. Those girls would be putty in his capable hands. I chuckled again, thinking of how I used to put myself outside of that category. _Yeah, not so much._

"Well, I'll introduce the two of you, and then it's show time Bella!"

"Great!" I responded with genuine enthusiasm. There seemed to be a rule of thumb with my nerves; they left me be when I was performing for charity events. I never seemed to be as jittery, perhaps it was because my mind was on the greater good, or what have you, but I felt more at ease in those types of scenarios then in night clubs and bars.

As Maggie turned and grasped the door knob I realized I could feel the vibrations rolling off the room we were about to enter; I could hear a faint squealing and excited murmurs. I shot Edward a nervous glance, realizing he had no security or protection of any sort. That struck me as odd, and although it was only a small group of young girls, if it came down to it, they only had to take Maggie and I out to get to Edward. I mental scoffed at the absurdity of that thought, trying to push it aside.

"Ready?" Maggie asked one last time, and I would swear there was a glint of concern in her eyes as well.

"Yep," Edward replied coolly as Maggie turned the knob.

~o~

The meet and greet went relatively smoothly, although I was pretty sure I lost partial hearing in one, if not both, ears. The visceral reaction Edward brought out in people, not just the young girls, but the makeup artists, the designers - they were all crazed by him, was astounding. Even Luke, a level-headed stage hand had been bobbing up and down in the background snapping incessant pictures.

I once again found myself in awe that I had spent the evening with him. Edward _freakin_ Cullen had fallen asleep with his bronzed tendrils curling between my fingers, his head in my lap. Really? Did that really happen?

He had kissed me!

We had kissed, not just that first amazing time, but again in the bleached back hallway of West Lake Center - Edward _freakin_ Cullen had laid his lips against mine.

_When did I die, and how did I find such a sublime heaven?_

I felt dizzy, giddy with a swell of emotions I couldn't quite place. My fingers glided even more fluidly over the piano keys then normal. My voice sounded richer, I was in a zone something fierce, and I felt like I was fucking glowing. Where I would normally be completely focused on performing, my mind continued to wander to that bronzed-hair boy who was watching me from backstage. Thoughts of him only seemed to pump up my performance though, and I was riding the wave while I was on top.

The girls looked beautiful as they did their best to imitate a 'model walk'. The outfits were all original designs, and each one of them looked excited and animated, thrilled to be a part of the fashion show. You could see it on their faces; they felt important, they felt beautiful, they felt like superstars.

Not one of them felt hindered by the side effects of their disease, and it was breathtaking to see. For people who were constantly defined by their health and their limitations, it was incredible to watch them stretch their wings and fly for an afternoon - and they were all soaring.

My set list was relatively simple; it was a Christmas concert, so I performed my renditions of a lot of the classics. During my last break in segments, Luke came jutting out of the side curtain, paper in hand and a huge smile plastered on his face. I only had one song left - I was to sing Silent Night as the girls changed one last time so they could all come back on stage and take a bow. I frowned at the paper as he rested it against the piano; it was sheet music for _Baby its Cold Outside_. Before I could question him, he had turned and was walking brusquely back to the cover of the dark curtains.

"Luke," I hissed, trying to get his attention. "Luke, this is a duet - I can't sing this alone!" The spot light blared on me once again, signaling for me to start my song, I squinted against the brightness, looking back to the side stage where Luke and Maggi_e _were buzzing about something. Maggie swept her hands forward in a shooing motion, as if to say _'go with it'._

Taking a deep breath, I played the first few notes, a sudden flood of nerves swarming my stomach as I sang the first line, and I realized just who I would be singing with.

"I really can't stay."

"But baby it's cold outside," Edward's rich, caramel voice crooned over the loud speakers as he stepped onto the stage. The crowd erupted and I struggled to maintain my tempo and focus on singing my next line. The storm of butterflies threatened to consume me as he moved slowly toward me.

He sang - then I sang, our voices mingling in the middle - a perfect harmony. It was a rich slow sound that made me think of chocolate and silk, smooth and decedent.

"Ah but it's cooooolllldddd ouutsiiidee," we finished the last line in tandem, Edward had stopped at the edge of the piano, never coming any closer. But I could _feel_ him, as his blazing green eyes never left mine and our voices intertwined something passed between us - an unspoken moment of two souls mingling. I could feel his heart beat in my own chest, his breaths were my breaths. In that moment, during that silly little Christmas song, it was just him and me. Simple. Together.

As I played the ending notes, the keys twinkling, the crowd silent, our eyes stayed locked together, brown embedding in green, like grass rooted in rich soil. There was what seemed like ten years worth of silence after I struck the final chord, the piano's sweet sound reverberating through the mall's corridors. Then the crowd exploded again, loud cheers and whoops, cat calls at Edward.

The interruption - the _intrusion -_ broke our spell and Edward pulled his eyes away, steeling my green oasis. He turned to the crowed, bowed deeply and then stood gesturing towards me. My eyes were stuck, glued to the side of his head as he showed his gratitude for the audience's love. And then he was gone, winking once at me and fleeing as if he had never been there to begin with. I stared after his retreating form, dumbfounded.

The subsequent storm after Edward's impromptu performance, when no one even knew he was in the building, was incredible, and horrifying. The girls came out and gave their final bow, receiving flowers and giving flowers to the designers. As soon as it was over, the girls had barely made it backstage when the crowd descended, trying to find out where Edward Cullen went, if he would be signing autographs, and how he got involved with the project in the first place.

The fact that people felt so entitled, that they thought they deserved to know the answers to any of those questions, amazed me. Aside from curious fans, wanting autographs, it should stop there. Why did they feel the need to know every little detail? Perhaps I was feeling defensive, because in truth he was there because of me, and I didn't want to have to explain that; and I sure as shit didn't want to be thrust into _that_ spotlight. But it irritated me nonetheless, and I happily slipped behind the curtains unnoticed as PR people for the mall and charity event fielded questions.

I ran, trying desperately not to trip over my boots to the back hallway, where I was abruptly halted by two large FBI looking men donned in black suits and dark sunglasses.

_Ah, so he did have security. _

"Mam, can I help you?" One of the men spoke, barely looking at me as he did.

"Yes, I'm Bella Swan, I was performing for the charity event and I'm supposed to participate in the party afterwards."

"Oh, yes Miss Swan, right this way," the other man replied moving aside so that I could slip through the door to the back corridor. The florescent lights overhead buzzed and popped, and I tried to keep my pace normal. My heels clicked against the concrete, the sound clacking against the walls, and the white hallway seemed to stretch a million miles in front of me. I suddenly felt like I was in a nightmare, where I was running but never getting anywhere.

My left toe caught on my right heel as I made a sharp right turn when the hallway appeared out of nowhere and my body propelled forward, landing with a soft thud against a warm body. Pulling myself up, I brushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ears.

"We have to stop meeting like this," Edward's welcoming voice crooned in my ear. The smile that stretched across my face was instantaneous. There was so much I wanted to say to him, I was having trouble discerning where to begin.

"Edward, how, why?"

His hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me against him, and I tipped my head back so I could see his face as he shrugged and smiled lazily down at me.

"I just couldn't resist, I wanted to sing with you and I figured ambush was the only way."

_Oh, well, when you put it that way _- my face twisted as my brow furrowed in irritation. "That was very dangerous, Edward you should see the mob that has formed out there because of your off the cuff decision!"

He chuckled, leaning in and running his nose along my cheek. "You were amazing," he whispered, and I didn't know what to say. My brain was mush, his contact rendering me brain dead, but somewhere inside I knew I should be annoyed that he was blowing me off, only I couldn't find the will to care.

"Thank you," I barely breathed, allowing the fact that Edward _freakin_ Cullen had just called my performance amazing to sink in. I was pretty sure that was up there with winning an Oscar.

"They're waiting for us in there," he whispered, sending chills down my spine.

"Okay," I droned out like a robot, incapable of much more in that moment.

Edward turned us, keeping one arm around my waist and leading us back to the room at the end of the hall. The girls were buzzing with post-show endorphins and adrenaline, flittering around the room from station to station, their families in tow. Taking a moment to absorb it all, I was amazed with the detail put into everything. It looked like a Hollywood after party, complete with a dance floor, a 'bar', various exotic looking food tables and even a table with swag bags lined up for each girl.

Maggie intercepted us, leading us to a table in the back where some girls and their families were seated. "This is where they're making ornaments as a keepsake, would you two like to help with this station?"

"Sure," Edward replied, letting go of me, and it occurred to me that he had been holding me in front of everyone in such a manner in the first place. I sat down at one end of the table, poised to help some of the girls add glitter and paint snowmen on their ornaments. Edward went to the other end and I couldn't help but stare.

As he sat down one of the youngest girls, Annie, who was only 5 and a half, lifted her eyes to his, smiling kindly. She was in advanced stages of lymphoma and undergoing aggressive chemo therapy, which was apparent by her weak pallor and the wrap around her tiny head. Despite the sallow set of her hazel eyes, they were alight with happiness as Edward returned her smile, bending in to speak with her. I watched as he played and joked with the petite girl, making her belly laugh. She looked on top of the world as he showed her how to make an 'extra special' reindeer ornament.

I was astounded by his natural way with her, he seemed completely at ease. That was unusual on so many levels, just the normal ones like the fact that she was a young child and most guys wouldn't be able to relate much to that age. Then there were the reasons that most people wouldn't want to acknowledge, but I found to be true, and that was her condition. Most people shy away from interaction with sick children for one reason or another, but Edward didn't even seem to notice.

He swiped his finger against the tip of her nose and she rolled her eyes, belying yet another belly laugh. What happened next stopped me in my tracks. I nearly dropped the ornament I had been painting when Annie suddenly shot form her chair and wrapped her tiny arms around Edward's neck. His long arms stretched around her and pulled her in as if she were his own child, his head dipping to her shoulder as his mouth moved quickly; he was whispering something to her.

I realized I had been holding my breath when a tear slid over my top lip and into my slightly agape mouth, the saltiness causing me to gasp in a soft breath finally. I was more than impressed with Edward's demeanor, and I found those inexplicable emotions swirling and bubbling inside, filling me even more.

The rest of the afternoon flew by as we were moved from station to station, mingling with the girls and their families. I found myself enraptured by the girls, getting lost in their stories of triumph and times of desperation, but above all the level of strength they all seemed to have - no matter what age. By the time things were wrapping up, I had nearly forgotten Edward was even there - nearly.

Maggie greeted us at the door as we prepared to leave, the girls packing their gathered goodies up and getting ready to leave themselves.

"Thank you both so much for doing this. This is a day these girls won't soon forget."

"It was our pleasure Maggie, thank you for being such a gracious host," Edward replied, stealing the words right out of my mouth.

"Yes, thank you so much, anytime you are putting something like this together, please give me a call, I would be thrilled to be involved again."

"Oh, yes I will do Bella, thank you dear, God bless."

We shook hands and Maggie surprised me with a brief hug before Edward and I found ourselves standing in empty whiteness. The corridor still seemed ten degrees cooler than anywhere else in the whole mall and I shivered involuntarily. Our eyes met, the wide hallway suddenly feeling much more confined. The static charge between us buzzed, a thick air of anticipation hovering. We stared at one another for a long moment and then in a split second I found myself pressed against the cold concrete wall, Edward's lips on mine, my hands kneading his hair hungrily.

His hands roamed my body, cupping under my ass and lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, breaking our kiss to gasp for air. "Edward," I panted, unable to say anything more - unable to think anything more. He grunted, turning swiftly and walking us toward a door that was just to the left of the room we had just been in.

The door opened with no problem, the hinges creaking as the wood hit the door stopper with a dull thud. The room was dark, with no lights on and not one window to let in natural light. Edward kicked the door closed behind him, wrapping us in a shroud of darkness. He stopped walking when I felt a table press into my lower back, Edward leaned me backwards so that I was almost horizontal. Our mouths worked feverishly together, passion and lust coming to a forte as our bodies pressed together. I could feel him between my legs, the thin cotton of my leggings blocking little sensation.

His erection pressed into just the right spot and I moaned loudly into his mouth. The sound spurred him, causing him to move his hips purposefully into me. Reflexively, I ground back against him, my groans turning into soft keening noises.

Edward's lips moved along my jaw, planting wanton, lavish kisses down my neck and back up to consume my mouth once more. The fiery tension was building deep within my belly and I panted against him. I was so close, and Edwards deep moans as he pumped faster against me told me he wasn't far behind.

Despite the pitch black of the room, lights sparked behind my eyes - bright streaks of gold and pink, my coils winding tight and then finally exploding as I cried out. Edward's mouth moved to my neck again as his motions became more concentrated, harder. A second later he was gripping my waist forcefully, crying out into my hair.

We stayed positioned in the same manner for some time, our bodies coming down from their highs. Edward placed soft lazy kisses along my skin, drawing goose bumps to the surface. Finally, we broke apart, our eyes meeting between the black. I could almost make out his emerald irises glowing in the darkness.

"Once again, that was interesting," he spoke, breaking the ice.

"Ha, yeah, interesting to say the least," I replied, my voice cracking from exertion.

"What do you say we get out of here? We could go get a cup of coffee or something. Dinner?"

"Um," my mind was still hazy and I was struggling to remember why that wouldn't be a good idea, but nothing would surface. "Okay."

"Great, uh.." he paused looking down, and I could barely make out the a sheepish expression shadowing his features. "I'll, just have to get someone to pick up a change of clothes for me."

I couldn't help the loud laugh that escaped me. Unwinding from his arms, Edward helped me from the table and led me through the dark room. After a few failed attempts, he located the door and the blinding light of the white hallway filtered in.

I followed, my hand tucked into Edward's and my legs wobbling beneath me as we weaved through the white maze and back out to the mall. I was not prepared for the sight before me as we passed through the double doors. Emmett met us, grabbing Edward's arm, irritation written all over his face.

"Where the fuck have you been man? This shit is crazy."

"I was finishing up, what's going -" Edward was cut off by the swarm of paparazzi that nearly swallowed us whole. Once he was spotted and the first few flashes snapped, the rest descended on us violently. They were pushy and loud, screaming obscene things, getting too close for my own comfort. Edward was discussing something with Emmett, though I wasn't quite sure why he was even there. My eyes flitted from flash to flash, unable to make out anyone's actual face; there must have been hundreds of them, blocking us from leaving. Each one of them shouting for Edward's attention, asking what he was doing there, if I was his girlfriend?

_Oh fuck. Rose and Alice._

Reality slammed into me like a brick wall. They would see the tabloids, the pictures would no doubt be online in the next five minutes. It was that realization that caused me to wonder what the fuck I was doing in the first place. I wasn't the type of person to dry hump someone in a back room of the mall. I wasn't the type to get swept up in the whole glamour of fame. I barely knew him, and he knew _nothing_ about me, I was making stupid decisions for someone who would most likely run the other way when he found out my past. Not only had I lied to my friends, but for something that was a complete fantasy anyway.

_How had I ever thought I could hang in Edward's league?_ I was delusional - apparently.

My whole body began to shake. Anxiety creeping into every pore as the obnoxious paparazzi seemed to get closer and closer. The air around me felt thick and hard to breathe, my heart was racing inside my chest. My hands began to tingle from the lack of oxygen and I flexed my fingers in and out of a fist to make the sensation go away. The whole mall seemed to tilt slightly as my perception felt warped.

"Who's the girl Edward?"

"Hey baby, look over here!

"Are you two sleeping together?"

"Is she you're girlfriend, is that why you did the benefit?"

"Is she pregnant?"

_Whoa, wait - what? Fuck, I can't take this anymore._

Lifting my trembling hand, I grabbed hold of Edwards arm, gaining his attention. Trying urgently to hold back the tears, I leaned in to whisper above the shouts. "Edward, I can't do this - it's, it's too much."

"I know this sucks, but Emmett's gonna get us out of here and we'll find somewhere quiet."

I shook my head, my brain swirling with the motion. "No, Edward, you don't understand." A lump formed in my throat, a single tear escaping from my eye as I realized what I was saying. "This is too much, I can't do this, I'm sorry."

I took a step away, backing into a paparazzi, Edward's bewildered expression watching me. I held my hands up, desperation filling me, I had to get out of there. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, another tear slipping down my cheek as I turned and disappeared into the elbowing crowd. Heaving in a deep breath, I attempted to hold back the threatening sobs.

"Goodbye."

**

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****A/N: So, what do you think? Please review as always : ) Now, about my absence; I have no real excuse, so I'm not gonna play any cards or what have you. Real life happens, I will do my best to post every week, but I am going out of town a bit in July, and Katbug86 is on vacation as well, so it may be a little longer than normal - bear with me! A few important announcements:**

**My Precious Fandom is running a contest. Whose Line is it Anyway? All the deets can be found on our contest page here: http:/mpfcontests(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**Also, Kat is starting something called Foxy Fics. It is a charity for a very good cause, and I will be writing a o/s shot that you can only read when you make a donation. Go to the site to find out more info: http:/foxyfics(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**Thanks lovelies! -xo Buff**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any songs from the Beetles, or Baby its Cold Outside, although its one of my favorite Christmas songs : )**


	5. 4 Some Say it's Just a Part of It

**A/N: Katbu86 did the beta thing. Please check out her charity Foxy Fics, it is such a wonderful cause and I hope everyone gets involved. **

**Link: http:/foxyfics(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

****This was originally one chapter, but I decided you needed to hear things from both point of views, and I hate pov changes mid chapter… so I will be posting part 2 later this week.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of the respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 4

Some Say its Just a Part of It

BPOV

My hands were shaking as I slipped into a cab. My voice came out in a frail quake as I instructed the driver to take me back to the W Hotel. Slowly my breathing calmed, but my heart continued like a jackhammer inside my chest.

I wiped at my brow, removing the cold sweat that had collected there, sighing and doing the best I could to relax into the cool leather seat. My eyes were sore from all of the flashing lights, pockets of black still blocking parts of my vision. I had never, in my life, witnessed such a craze; who knew there were even that many paparazzi in Seattle?

Before I knew it, we were parked in front of my hotel; I paid the man and sauntered out of the cab in a slight daze. My heart had finally slowed, giving way to a prickling pain that was growing in the middle of my chest. I felt an overwhelming wash of sadness the closer I got to my hotel room. I couldn't understand the emotions, common sense not helping one bit.

Common sense said that I should have been happy I escaped that circus.

Common sense said I should have been thankful I didn't lose a limb.

Common sense said I should have been relieved to have that out of my life - that I would never have to be subject to that again or see him again.

So why did the pain push harder, embedding its roots deeper into my heart with that thought? There was no relief, there was no happiness; quite the opposite. I've had my share of experience with depression, and I could feel its familiar cold hands wrapping around me, isolating me.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Alice's voice startled me, and I realized I had already entered my room. I shook my head, plopping down on the same couch _he _had slept on the previous night. My hand ghosted over the cushion his head had laid on. Without giving it a second thought, I fell to the fabric, pressing my nose into it and inhaling, struggling to hold back the ocean of tears that fought against my eye lids.

Alice was at my side instantly, running her hand over my hair and going into 'fix it' mode instantly. "Bella, dear, I'm going to overlook the fact that you obviously did nothing but brush your hair this morning in light of the fact that you are obviously having an … issue."

She always knew what to say, I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me, one single tear falling free at the same time. I turned over, sitting up and looking her in the eyes. "Thanks Al, that means the world to me," I replied in a playful tone, although I think we both knew I wasn't joking.

She shrugged, before pausing a beat. "Wanna talk about it?"

I began to shake my head, exhaling. I wasn't sure what to say, or where to begin. I was going to have to tell them, it was no doubt already all over the internet. "I need to talk to you guys," I finally said softly, noticing Rose for the first time as she sat down in the plush chair adjacent to the couch.

"Are you having cravings again?" Rose spoke first, her tone mild, not accusatory, merely worried. I could see the concern in both of their faces, and I shook my head adamantly.

"No, no, it's nothing like that." Folding my legs underneath me, I bit into the inside of my lip, wracking my brain on where to start.

"Something happened last night, I -"

"Did some asshole mess with you?" Rose ground through her teeth, her posture shifting into an aggressive tilt immediately.

"No, nothing like that either."

Alice grasped my hand, her slight fingers running over my knuckles. "It's okay Bella, you can tell us - whatever it is. We're always here for you."

I chortled lightly, smiling at my best friends. Thing One and Thing Two I always called them; they shared the same brain - only they were bipolar. "I know that guys, it's just, I don't want you to be mad."

"We won't," Alice responded all too quickly holding her left hand in the air, three fingers displayed proudly. _Figures she was a girl scout. _"We promise. Scouts honor."

I glanced at Rose and she shrugged - ever indifferent. I knew that was the most I would get out of her, so I swallowed my pride, nerves, and dignity and prepared to spill.

"So, I wasn't completely honest with you guys last night. I mean I tried to be, I tried to tell you guys - I called over and over, but it just kept going to your voice mails." My hands instinctively wrung through my hair, my nerves turning my stomach. _They are your best friends - they won't hate you - get it over with._

"I may have … ," I rambled managing to make it one long word.

In succession first Alice's face fell and then Rose's. "You did what now?" Rose asked, her expression stern.

I swallowed hard, my eyes shooting back and forth between them. "I met Edward in that bar and we shared a cab - it turns out he's staying here too - and he came up to my room and we talked for hours and it was amazing and he fell asleep on the couch and … _we kissed_."

Rose was incapable of speaking, her moth hanging wide. Alice shook her head as if to clear it before speaking. "Hold on, back up Bella, he was _here_? And you kissed him?"

I simply nodded, opting to keep my mouth shut.

"Wait!" Rose shouted suddenly, making me jump. "The two drinks! We were here when HE was here!"

Again I nodded, bowing my head in a sign of apology. "There's more," I muttered, staring at my boots as if they may save me from my current hell.

"MORE!" They both shouted simultaneously.

Just then my cell phone rang, playing the ring I had especially for my dad. Really? Saved by the bell. I jumped up, fumbling for my purse - after all, I promised Alice I would talk to him.

Pushing a random button, I answered as soon as I had the small plastic phone in hand.

"Hello?"

"Bells, hey hon, I hear you are in Seattle."

"Uh, yep. Just did a charity concert today." I shrugged at my friends, standing to go into the bedroom.

"That's great honey. But listen Bells, I'm actually calling to see if you're okay. You're not in any trouble are you?"

"What? Er… no, why do you ask?"

"Well, I was down at the station and the boys were makin a big hoopla over something on the internet. I usually don't pay any mind to that kinda thing, but Jonesy said I had to take a look."

My heart sank - there was only one thing he would have seen on the internet. I just hoped there wasn't anything horrible written.

"Dad listen, that's nothing, it's just -"

"Are you pregnant Bella?"

"WHAT?"

"Look, I'm not mad, we can deal with this together, I'm here for you no matter what. I'm just a little disappointed I didn't even know you were seeing this Edmund guy."

My mind was swirling, overwhelmed, I felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone. _What the fuck?_

"How long have you been seeing this guy anyway? Alice hasn't mentioned anyone -"

"DAD! Dad, just stop, okay … please? First of all I am NOT in any way pregnant. Secondly, I'm not even going to touch the fact that it's creepy that you and Alice discuss my love life like a bunch of junior high gossiping girls."

"Well, huh," he let out a laughing sigh. "Well, I gotta say Bells, that's a relief. I mean not that I wasn't a tad excited to be a Grandpa, but -"

"GAH, okay Dad, please. No babies. I did the charity concert and I met _Edward_ the night before. He offered to help and that's why he was at the show. Subsequently, there was a paparazzi storm - hence all the crazy rumors that are obviously circulating. It is nothing really. I hardly know the guy." I winced at the casual light I shed on Edward, it didn't feel like that, as true as it actually was, it felt like I knew him so well already.

"Alright Bells, well, you didn't get hurt in all the chaos did you?"

I sighed, knowing that I did get hurt - just not physically. "No Dad, I'm fine."

"Well, listen, I don't know what your next stop is, but if you wanna come visit your old man for Christmas, I wouldn't mind."

I chuckled softly at his round-about way of asking me to come home. "That would be great Dad. I'll give you a call in a few days when I'm done here."

"Sounds good honey… and Bells?"

"Yeah Dad?"

There was a long pause, only Charlie's heavy breathing on the other end. "Love you."

I smiled, knowing full well how uncomfortable showing affection made him. "Love you too Dad."

"Bye honey."

"Bye."

Pressing the end button, I stared down at my phone for a minute. I did miss my Dad, more than I had realized; it would be really good to see him.

Slowly, I stepped through the door to the living room, procrastinating, I was no hurry to continue that conversation. I stopped short when I saw Rose and Alice perched on the couch, hovering over a laptop together, mouths agape.

Shit. Well, that saved me a long explanation.

"So I guess I don't need to tell you the more then…" I trailed.

They both jumped, Alice almost dropping the laptop in the process.

"Bella, what the fuck happened?" Rose asked, an odd mixture of concern and jealousy shadowing her features.

Groaning, I stepped all the way into the room, falling next to them on the couch. Covering my face, I found myself fighting back tears once again. "I don't even know," I finally answered, my words muffled.

"He just showed up, I thought I'd never see him again."

"Did you ask him to help with the show?" Alice asked quietly, frustration evident in her voice.

"No, no. Like I said, I thought I'd never see him again and then - there he was. He was only supposed to help with the behind the scenes stuff. I had no clue I was going to sing with him until literally the last second."

"And that's all?" Rose eyed me as I peeked out from under my hands. "There's nothing more, you just got photographed with him afterward, and now this shit storm?"

I couldn't tell them anymore, partly because I felt the other things were private - it seemed wrong to talk about - and also because I couldn't take anymore disappointment from them, it was killing me. I'd gone through enough of that in my life, always making the wrong choices - always disappointing people, especially my two best friends. I couldn't take the looks on their faces a minute longer.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Well, this is GREAT Bella!" Alice quipped suddenly, sliding the laptop to Rose and jumping up. "This will be amazing publicity for you! I'll start putting something together for the website. Are you two planning to sing together again?"

My face fell, my heart plummeting to the bottom of my stomach. _That's what she wanted to reduce this to? She wanted to use him like everyone else uses him? _I fought back the feeling of disgust for my friend, keeping in mind that she was only trying to help_._

"No, I don't think so," I answered flatly.

"Oh, well, that's fine. This alone will do wonders," and with that she swooped up the computer and perched herself at the counter, her fingers moving a mile a minute.

Alice seemed to have done a 180, taking the good from the bad, typical Alice. But Rose? I couldn't tell. She seemed despondent; sitting, staring at the bland wall paper, expressionless, very un-Rose like. That scared me a little; I would have much preferred her screaming at me in that moment.

Swallowing my self-doubt, I resolved to be the one to speak - after all, I was the one who lied. "Rose, look, I'm sorry that it happened this way. I didn't mean for it to be like this, really. Honestly, it all seemed so surreal when it was happening-"

She cut me off by holding her hand in the air in a 'stop' gesture. "Save it Bella," she glared at me, and I flinched back subconsciously.

"Look, bottom line is you lied. It doesn't matter how big or small, or what about - you. lied." She sighed, her expression softening only slightly - barely perceptible.

"Whenever you've lied in the past it always leads to bad things Bella, I don't want to see that happen to you again, I can't watch you fall apart again …" Her expression hardened, her eyes glazing resolute, brow furrowed. "I won't. I won't just sit by and be a part of that again-" She stood, tears in her eyes. I sat dumbfounded, mouth hanging. Rose never got emotional, my heart broke as I watched a single tear break the barrier and slide down her cheek.

"I'm sorry, I just can't." She turned on her heel, walking quickly to the doorway. I felt frantic, looking quickly to Alice, who was also sitting with a stunned expression watching Rose leave.

"Can I help you?" Rose's curt voice caused my head to shoot back in her direction. She stood with the door open only a crack, but I could see a figure on the other side.

"I am here to see Bella." Smooth caramel - Edward.

"I don't know if she wants to see you," Rose replied. How could she have gathered that? No Rose!

"Well, could you please tell her that I am so sorry for what happened and I … I would love to see her again."

Rose laughed tersely; she was in full on bitch mode. "Yeah, maybe."

I was on my feet stumbling to the door when my shins hit that damned ottoman and I went flying, only my arms didn't make it out in front of me. I heard the deafening crack before I felt the impact of my head meeting the taupe and cream striped wall paper.

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**A/N: I will be posting part two in a few days. Sorry this one took a little longer, vacation quite literally kicked my ass, and I will be going out of town again tomorrow. Please review, as always, I love to hear your thoughts!**


	6. 5 Some Say it's Just a Part of It, p2

**A/N: Katbug86 was my wonderful beta as always, and listened to me hash out the entire outline for this thing, so a big thank you to her. (chubby heart peens for life) **

**And a HUGE thank you to Cynically Convivial for pre-reading and always stroking my ego, oh how I love a good stroking - love you bb. ;) If you've never seen her blog, a.) where have you been? and b.) go! ****http:/kstewisbetterthanu(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Please read the a/n at the bottom (as if this wasn't long enough) I have an important announcement.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of the respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 5

Some Say it's Just a Part of It

Part 2

EPOV

Things were intense. There was no better way to describe it. The way I felt around Bella was like nothing I had ever experienced before - with a person at least. The feeling was akin to the electricity I experienced when writing music. The moment my fingers meet with those ivory keys, inspiration fills me - sparking an energy that is like no other - until Bella that is. I felt alive, and the overwhelming emotions were scaring the shit out of me.

I had never in my life behaved the way I did that afternoon; when I touched her I felt hungry, I wanted more. Contrary to what may be printed in the tabloids, I wasn't normally one to be so forward - or so quick to be physical with a girl, but there was an uncontrollable urge that consumed me in that small, veiled room.

When my fingers caressed her soft skin, pliable and smooth, I could barely make out the rose that flushed across her cheek - I had to press my lips there. Then I pulled back and was met with deep, mahogany, rich quicksand eyes - pulling me under. I was lost in her, my body taking over.

Every second of our encounter replayed in my head as I stood stunned, watching her push through the throngs of obnoxious flashing bulbs. I could still feel her skin beneath my touch, hear her soft moans in my ear - I could still smell her. And yet I watched her walk away, letting her go, like the dumbass that I was. Why didn't I speak up? What were her words? … _"This is too much, I can't do this, I'm sorry."_

I was a fool, I acted rash and 'in the moment'; something I prided myself on never doing. Going out on stage and singing with her had been a complete impulse decision - something I didn't have the luxury of making. I should have known that it would result in a shit storm, and then the questions those assholes were throwing at us… I was pretty sure someone asked if she was pregnant. No wonder she got freaked out.

"Hey man? Did you hear me?" Emmett tugged on my arm, finally garnering my attention; I had no clue what he had been saying.

"What?"

"I said, let's move," he annunciated each word as if I had to read his lips to understand. I nodded, allowing him to pull me back through the plain double doors, only glancing over my shoulder in time to see Bella's brown locks disappear behind a wall of photogs.

Once behind the solace of the thick metal doors, two mall security officers met us to escort us through the maze of hallways to a back utility entrance of the mall. The silence that surrounded us as soon as the doors closed was deafening. I focused on the cement floor as we made two rights and then a few lefts.

The fluorescently lit hallway gave way to bright, natural light as the two men opened the doors after punching in a security code.

"Thanks," I nodded to acknowledge them, but barely looking up as Emmett pulled me again by the arm.

"Jasper's waiting with a car," he said in his all-business tone, gesturing toward a black Mercedes with blacked out windows.

Since my first album made it to the top ten on the billboard charts, or really since I sat my family down and said I wanted to give the music thing a try, Emmett and Jasper had been a part of my security detail. They were the ones I always depended on when shit got really crazy.

Jasper was the head of my security, ever vigilant and always my second hand man. He had a sixth sense for when crowds were going to be extra wild, and he always knew what to do. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear he had a way of calming people, because in the past 6 years I had zero instances of security breaches. I'd also witnessed crowded venues of people screaming their heads off, looking more like a mob, but as soon as Jasper and his guys set up a parameter they seemed to calm instantly.

Emmett joined whenever he could, although his first passion was that damned bar. He put everything he had into that place, monetarily, mentally, and physically; single handedly saving it really. It used to be some two bit hole-in-the-wall that only alcoholics, drug addicts, and prostitutes knew about. He bought it and restored it's appearance as well as reestablished it's legitimacy within the community. He'd actually done a pretty damn good job, the place was as straight edge as a bar could be - and Emmett made sure no riff raff went on within his walls. I never would have guessed that Emmett would have a mind for business, but damned if he wasn't a natural.

"What is with you man?" Emmett peered at me from the front seat as he closed the door behind him. I slid to the middle of the back seat, slumping down as I expelled a heavy breath.

"What are you talking about?" I asked weakly, picking at the thick grey stitching of the leather seat, avoiding eye contact.

"You. You've been acting funny since yesterday. I mean I know I razzed you about that chick, but I was just messing with you. You didn't have to try and prove a point, I never expected you to pull something like this."

I raised my eyes to his, furrowing my brows in irritation. "Pull something like _what_, Emmett?" I spat, suddenly furious with him for questioning me.

"Going out in such a public arena unannounced, and with NO security - that's _what_," he spat back.

I glared at him. How dare he question me? As far as stars went, I was extremely mellow. My friends and family never had to worry about me, I didn't do things like drugs or excessive drinking, and I kept my nose clean; so to have him questioning me as if I'd done something stupid for helping with a charity concert? Oh, hell no.

"It was for _charity_ Emmett, fucking forgive me for wanting to do something for a good cause - unplanned. I didn't think it would be such a god damn big deal, okay?"

He opened his mouth slightly as if to argue before clamping it closed, his teeth clicking together. Emmett glanced at Jasper, before his lips snaked to the side of his face in a sly grin, a low rumbling laugh jostling him in his seat.

"Yeah," he scoffed between laughs, "Charity for your love life?" His resounding cackles filled the inside of the car. I wanted to be mad - I want to sock the asshole in his mouth, but I just couldn't find the energy. Instead, I fought back a smile and shook my head at my big oaf of a brother.

"Emmett, you dick," Jasper finally spoke, and even though I couldn't see his face I could hear the laughter in his voice as his shoulders shook lightly.

"We're gonna drive around a bit before I take you back to the hotel. There are still some paps on our ass," Jasper said, chancing a glance at me in the rearview mirror.

"Thanks Jazz," I replied, sinking lower into my seat and letting my eyes fall closed.

I had a lot to figure out. I barely knew Bella, so I had no clue how to judge my next course of action. All I knew for sure was that I had to see her again. Panic rocked through me, irrationally, when I realized I had no clue when she was leaving - and I had no way to get in touch with her.

My eyes shot open and I watched the buildings whiz by, giving way to trees, and then a ramp as Jasper jumped on the freeway. I wrung my hands together, anxiety setting in; she could be checking out as we rode down the highway. I needed to get back.

"We need to get back to the hotel now," I spoke a little too rushed. Jasper's eyes flicked to me; Emmett craned his neck, eyebrow cocked, concern in his features.

"What the hell are you talking about man?"

"I have to go back. Jasper turn around, please," I was begging - what the fuck _was_ wrong with me?

"Ed, man, I don't think that's the best idea. They are probably already camped out at the hotel and -"

"We'll park in the parking garage and I can take the service elevator - I just … I need to go back."

He glanced at me once more in the rearview mirror, taking in my pleading expression. He must have known how serious I was because I never did things like that. I preferred to be as normal as possible; I hated feeling too important to walk in the front door like a normal person. I was usually the one refusing to park in sheltered garages and slink into back elevators - but I could have given two shits about that.

Jasper finally nodded, signaling to take the next exit so he could turn around. I heaved a sigh of relief and allowed my eyes to fall closed again, my brain going into over drive of what exactly I was going to say to her.

'_Hi, yeah, remember me? I tricked you into letting me into your hotel room last night, and then showed up this morning unannounced - after stalking you, and then forced you to sing with me. We dry humped in some back room at the mall, and then you fled the scene like I was on fire? I'm really sorry about the pregnancy questions, I really don't think that can happen through layers of clothing.'_

Yeah, something told me that was the wrong way to go. Going over it in my head I realized what a creep I truly had been. If I weren't famous would she have put up with me? I doubt she would have allowed a stranger into her room last night, or just accepted that he found out from a friend where she would be the following day. Again, I found myself asking what the fuck I was even doing.

Jasper was right. The hotel had turned into ground zero for the paparazzi monkeys. They whooped and hollered as our car pulled through the gated garage entrance, bulbs flashing crazily. Emmett had called ahead, so a bellhop awaited my arrival at yet another unmarked back door.

Jasper pulled around to the door and I sat, unmoving, staring out the blackened window.

"Well, man, what are you waiting for?" Emmett asked impatiently.

"I - I don't know."

I was stalling. I was stalling because I was more nervous than I had ever been to merely go speak with a female. Jasper must have sensed my dilemma as I felt his hand clasp my shoulder. He was turned in his seat, eying me, sizing me up.

"Is she worth it?" He asked simply.

I swallowed hard, going over every instance and exchange I had experienced with Bella. I asked myself that question over and over - only to come up with the same result each time.

"Yes," I said firmly, resolve steeling my words.

He smiled, "Then go get her," his southern drawl curled around the words, stringing them out - and they sounded so right.

I nodded as I thanked him, giving Emmett a swift punch in the arm, and then jumped out of the car, scooting quickly through the door. Emmett's loud curses echoed off the walls as the door closed behind me.

"Thanks," I said quickly as I passed the bellhop, pulling out my phone I sent Jasper a text letting him know that I would be going straight to my room afterward, and they didn't have to wait around.

The elevator to the ninth floor seemed to take forever, my toe tapped hastily against the carpet as I counted off the beeps with each passing floor. When the doors finally opened, I all but sprinted into the hallway, cutting a sharp right turn and stopping short right outside of Bella's door.

Inhaling sharply, I lifted my hand to the door, before I could lose my nerve. Before my knuckles met with the wooden surface, the door swung open; a tall blonde was staring at me with a murderous glare that sent chills down my spine.

"Can I help you?" She spat at me, her eyes appraising me as she pulled the door tighter to her side.

"I am here to see Bella," I replied, baffled by her venomous demeanor.

"I don't know if she wants to see you," she seethed.

Shit. It was worse than I thought. Well - perhaps not worse, if she was pegging me for the creepy stalker that I was being than I should have been prepared for her refusing to see me.

"Well, could you please tell her that I am so sorry for what happened and I … I would love to see her again," my response was weak, as I took a step back, ready to accept defeat.

"Yeah, maybe," the blonde laughed gruffly as she watched me tuck my tail between my legs and turn to leave.

A loud crash against the wall made me pause. Then I heard another female's voice call Bella's name franticly. I didn't think twice before I turned and was pushing my way past the curt blonde who had acted as gatekeeper.

"Bella?" My eyes fell on her tiny body limp on the ground.

"What the hell happened?" My voice rose an octave as I dropped to my knees beside Bella.

"She tripped over that foot stool and hit her head on the wall," a smaller girl with dark hair replied, her hands flitting over Bella's body.

My heart lay still in my chest as I appraised her. There was no blood, but that didn't mean much if she hit her head. The sound alone had been deafening, so I knew she had hit hard. "Bella, love, can you hear me?" I placed my hands aside her cheeks, careful not to move her head.

She moaned lightly, her eyes fluttering softly before her hand moved to cover her face.

"What. The. Fuck," she moaned again, turning on her right side. "Owe, shit, my head."

I had to stifle a laugh as she curled into a tiny ball and pushed lightly into the back of her skull.

"Bella, are you okay? Can you sit up?" I prompted.

She peeked one eye open staring at me a bit too long; she looked confused. I was growing concerned that she may be suffering from a concussion.

"My father is a doctor at the hospital, I'm going to call him and tell him I'm bringing you in okay?"

"What? No," she practically shouted, hoisting her body to an upright position. "Shit," she cursed again, grabbing the back of her head.

"Are you alright? You hit your head really hard," the smaller girl asked, crouching next to Bella and placing her hands lightly on her shoulders.

"I'm fine Alice, I've had worse - you should know that," Bella replied sarcastically.

Well, at least her sense of humor was intact. The Carlisle part of my brain was still nagging me about the possibility of a concussion, or internal bleeding. Hooking my finger under her chin I tipped her face up to force eye contact. Making my voice as gentle as possible, I attempted to reassure her, "It's really fine, I can take you. You should have a doctor take a look at you."

She shook her head, causing my hand to drop from her face. "No, no. No hospitals, I'm - I'm fine. I know I don't have a concussion, I'm not nauseous, my vision is fine, I have no disorientation - I'll be alright," she rattled off a list that only a person experienced with the tests would have known.

There was something in her eyes, a frantic gleam, she was pleading with me. For whatever reason, she really did not want to go to the hospital. I sighed, resigning against my better judgment. "Alright, but let's at least get you to the couch and get an ice pack on your head."

"Since when did you become a doctor?" The blonde quipped as we helped Bella off the floor.

Exhaling, I decided not to even respond, she was getting under my skin big time, and I didn't want to piss Bella off by making her friend cry - keeping my mouth shut was a better option.

After Bella was situated, the blonde stood, "Since you're fine I'm leaving," she paused, it looked like she was having difficulty getting out her words as she looked to the ceiling and bit into her bottom lip. "I'll talk to you later I guess," she finished, turning on her heel and tromping out of the room with a seeming purpose.

"Bella, are you sure you're okay?" the shorter one, Alice, queried again.

"Yes, Alice I am fine - and NO, I don't want you to call Charlie," Bella huffed.

Alice giggled lightly, kissing Bella on the forehead. "Well, I should go check on Rose. Are you…" She paused, glancing at me nervously before continuing in a whisper - although I could still hear her.

"Are you okay if I leave you alone?"

"Alice," Bella groaned covering her face more. "I'm fine."

"Alright, sheesh, just making sure. I'll go get Rose then," Alice's light chuckle followed her as she rose and stepped away. She hesitated in the doorway, looking back at Bella with sympathy in her eyes. "She didn't mean what she said Bella, everything will be ok, I promise." Alice smiled at her friend, her eyes drifting slightly to me and then back before she was gone.

As soon as the door closed, I went to the mini fridge in search for some ice. The ice bucket sat atop the fridge, the contents mostly water. I found a washcloth in the bathroom and was able to fish out a few good sized ice chips - dipping the wadded bundle in the ice water for good measure.

When I returned to the couch Bella was curled into the corner, hand on the back of her head, eyes closed. Her breathing was slow and rhythmic, as if she were sleeping. "Bella, you can't sleep," I blurted, my voice sounding too loud, cutting through the silence of the hotel room.

Her eyes shot open and she jumped slightly, taking in my hovering form. "I - I wasn't, I was just closing my eyes, I have a bit of a headache."

"I'm sorry, I just was worried, I, here - I have ice." My brain was refusing to work properly, only allowing me to form half sentences.

"Thanks," she replied, reaching for the washcloth.

I sat slowly next to her, "May I?"

Bella's gaze penetrated mine, the kinetic energy between us growing heavy. "Sure."

She watched intently as I pulled her hair off her neck, pushing it over her right shoulder. It was soft and tickled my skin, I had to resist the urge to burry my nose into the silky chestnut locks. The washcloth was dripping, draining down my wrist as I brought it carefully to her head. She winced slightly when it made contact. "Is it tender?"

"Um," she swallowed her voice shaky. "Yes, but it's okay. The ice feels good."

"Do you have any aspirin? It would help with the headache."

She nodded, nudging her chin toward the counter in the small kitchenette. "I think there's a small travel size bottle in my purse."

Standing, I found her purse easily on the small counter. As I shuffled through its contents, my mind rattled off a million ways to start the conversation we should have been having.

Glass of water and medicine in hand, I returned with both offering them with a small smile. "This should help."

"Thanks," she supplied a shy grin taking the water and pills.

_It's now or never Cullen. Clear the air - just tell her you were a dumbass._

"Bella-"

"Edward-"

We both began at the same time. I laughed lightly, returning to my seat beside her. "You go first," I said like the insecure coward that I was.

"I just, I wanted to apologize for freaking out on you and bolting like I did. That was really stupid of me, and to be completely honest - well I never expected to see you again."

My heart fell to my feet, the bewildering reaction to her words faltering my response. I must have been gawking at her because I saw the recognition pass over her and then her head began to shake furiously.

"Oh, no, not that I didn't want to see you, just more that - I guess I never in my wildest dreams would have thought you'd come looking for me." Her words grew dim as she dropped her attention to the laced fingers in her lap.

"Bella, I should be the one to apologize. It was my complete fault that all those assholes showed up in the first place. I just, I don't know what came over me." Glancing up I saw she was still transfixed with her mingled fingers, but was listening, so I continued.

"I am happy with my life for the most part. What I do - music - it's all I've ever wanted. But there are times where I feel the drawbacks to being in the public eye, obviously, and you experienced one today."

I palmed my neck, scratching along my hairline as I considered how to explain myself. "I am always so careful. You've seen first hand how I handle myself when I venture out." I chuckled to myself, "Emmett always says I'm like a ninja."

She cracked a smile, eyes still fixed on her hands; watching her face transform, even in that slight gesture, sent a surge of _that_ feeling coursing through me.

"Bella," I turned my body slightly, angling more towards her. She finally lifted her eyes to me, her expression tentative. "I am truly sorry for today, but I am also not. Sometimes I just want to be normal, to walk outside and just wander down the street without being harassed, play in a club on a whim without worrying about anything. I want to be able to jump up on stage and sing at a karaoke bar, but I can't - it's just a part of this - what I am. But with you, I don't know, it's crazy. I don't feel I'm on pins and needles. I don't feel like you're looking at me like I'm this untouchable thing, Or eyeing me for what you can get from me. I just feel normal, like there's just you and me and nothing else - no other bullshit."

Swallowing hard, I prayed that I wasn't adding to my psycho points by laying it on too thick. Honest. That's all I could be, so I went for it.

"I acted on impulse today for the first time in - God knows how long - and it felt amazing. I don't think it would have felt the same with anyone else. It was _normal_, and I was carried away by it - carried away by you, and for that I am not sorry."

Wide brimmed, chocolate eyes stared at me, searching my face for a lie. She wouldn't find it there - it was the truth, honestly and completely.

"Edward - I," the chocolate disappeared as she let her eyes fall back to her hands. She was retreating.

"Bella," I placed my hand over hers, lacing two fingers into the cup she had formed with hers. "I know it sounds crazy, I know it's been all of two days, but I can only tell you what I am feeling, and that's what I came here to do. So if you would like me to leave now, I understand."

Her face tilted down, she was watching our hands form together, skin touching, the wrinkles ingrained along her knuckles running under the soft pads of my fingertips.

"My mother loved that I played," her voice was feathery, distant, her gaze trained on our joined hands. "When I learned how to play Weeping Willow Tree she was ecstatic, she had me show anyone and everyone who came over. I'd play it for them and she would stand beside the piano, beaming like the proudest mother who ever lived. It made me feel … I felt amazing, like I could fly when she was _that_ proud of me. I should have known then, but I was young. It's hard for a nine-year-old to grasp that when you soar that high, it only makes the fall that much steeper."

I nodded, all too aware of what she was talking about. Only I hadn't learned that until I was much older. When you're raised on such a high pedestal the fall could really hurt. Although any fall I'd ever suffered was in the form of slander and lies, but it still stung.

"I was in tons of competitions as soon as I was at a level to compete. I wanted it too, just as much as she did, I was hungry for it. And I was good, I won, a lot. But there was always one or two that I didn't win, and second place was never enough. She didn't act outwardly upset - but I felt it, I could see it in her eyes, and that shit fucking hurt.

"It began to be too much. The hunger subsided, and all I could feel was the pressure to perform. Judges seemed too harsh, their faces, I can still see the disappointed looks. I hated the spotlight, being critiqued on every little nuance - assessed. I couldn't do it anymore. I suppose that's why fame unnerves me so, and especially why all of those … _people_, taking my picture, it was too much."

She was shaking her head lightly back and forth. I couldn't pull my eyes from her down turned face, her profile soft yet defined, covered in smooth porcelain skin. I closed my eyes trying to picture a young Bella, eager to please, smiling a toothless grin as she perched at the piano performing for her mother. My heart broke at the thought of that little face sad and despondent as she realized that her mother was anything but elated with her performance.

"Bella, I am sorry that you ever had to experience that. I'm so sorry that that happened today, I wish I could take it away."

"But you're right," she interrupted, settling her eyes to mine, hers glossy with unshed tears. "I'm not sorry either. I know what you mean, it feels - " Pulling her left hand from mine, she motioned between us. "_This_ feels different. So, I'm not sorry, I'm glad that you did that, and that you had the courage to come back here. I was a coward, you - you were beautifully brave."

Her hand drew lightly across my cheek and I instinctively leaned into her touch.

"Did you just call me beautiful?" I razzed slightly. Her nose scrunched, her eyes crinkling at the edges in an adorable way.

"Maybe…"

Bowing my face to hers, I let my mouth graze her plump lips. "Isabella Swan, _you_ are true beauty, in every essence of the word," I whispered against her.

Her breath blew lightly across my face as she exhaled a soft laugh. "Well, if you really wanted to deconstruct my sentence, I was referring to the act of your bravery as beautiful, but -"

I cut off her ramblings by pressing my lips to hers with full force. Her voice was muffled by my mouth and then quieted, our lips merging sinuously and slow. Fingers found hair, eyes fell closed, we breathed as one - saturating ourselves in the moment.

Pulling away slightly, I kept my forehead pressed to hers not wanting to lose much contact. "Bella, you talk too much sometimes."

She lifted her head away from mine, squinting slightly at me, her lips curling to the side. "I can be rather expressive without words."

I cocked a single brow, words failing me as a torrent of butterflies attacked my insides. Something in her eyes in that moment, the mysterious glint hidden behind her soft, delicate features, I was at a loss for words, my breath catching in my throat. Her silken hair slid from behind her ear as she lifted her body up, framing her face in a halo of chestnut, making her fair skin look even creamier and inviting.

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth she slid one leg over my lap and then gently rested her body down onto mine. Her slight fingers crawled up and twisted gracefully into the hair at the nape of my neck. Her smell flooded my senses, dizzying me, and I fought to keep my eyes open.

"I can be very quiet," she whispered playfully, and her lip pulled away from her teeth when she widened her grin.

I was mesmerized, I wanted to outline every feature, touch every crevice of the enchanting creature before me. _That _feeling surged like a rolling thunder through me. There were words there - they were simmering, threatening to bubble to the surface, although my mind refused to retrieve them.

Instead, I showed what I could in my actions, taking her face in my hands and kissing gently along her cheeks, eyes, jaw, neck. The words were undecipherable, but I felt them, and the better part of my brain knew I was falling.

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**A/N: As I announced last update (what was that 3 years ago?) I am participating in Foxy Fics. Please go to Kat's website to find out all the information on the wonderful charity, including dates and how to participate. **

**http:/foxyfics(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**And if you want a little taste of what you can expect included from me in the compilation, I have posted a teaser on my blog: **

**http:/buff82-fanfiction(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2010/07/i-have-written-this-os-for-foxy-fics(dot)html**

**Please review and let me know what you think of where this story is going - I know there are tons of questions, but there will be answers. Trust. **

**xo -Buff**


	7. 6 We Forward in This Generation

**A/N: Katbug86 beta'd this like usual even though she is crazy and has too much on her plate, and I love her for her continued support. Dear Kat, may your government teacher flirt wildly with you. [hearts] me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all the respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 6

We Forward in this Generation

BPOV

"_Bella honey, will you pass me that one?"_

_I glanced to the box at my feet, internally cringing at the decoration he was referring to._

"_Really Dad? Do you have to hang this one every year?" I huffed, rolling my eyes, but he just smiled._

"_Of course I do, it's one of the most important ones," he replied simply, extending an open hand._

_Sighing, I grabbed the construction paper ornament from the box, handing it to Charlie; the paper was faded and old. What was once red looked more like a sickly pumpkin color, the laminate doing little to stop the effects of aging. In the middle of the dull red paper shaped in a plain oval was a smaller picture of my smiling face - both front teeth missing. _

_I was probably about seven in the picture, and they had tortured me that year, making sure that I sang 'All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth'. I made a quick mental note to find and destroy that video tape when Charlie wasn't paying attention._

"_Don't look at me like that Bells, you made this especially for me, and it's near and dear to my heart," he razzed, knowing full well it had been an art project in school - I had no choice but to make it. Although somewhere in the back of my petulant sixteen-year-old brain, I knew that it was still truly special to him regardless. I fought back a smile, turning to dig out another ornament for the tree._

I woke with a start, a feeling that I had forgotten something rousing me from my dream. Rubbing my hands over my face, I looked around my empty hotel room, reminding myself that I had nowhere to be that morning. I'd only been in Seattle for three days, but it seemed like months.

I had only planned to be in the city for three days, and with the charity concert out of the way I had no real reason to still be there. I flopped back on the fluffy hotel pillows, sinking down into them like a sinful cloud, and thought about my dream. Charlie had practically _begged_ me to come home for Christmas.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I lifted up on my elbow, grabbing my phone from the bed side table. I wondered if Charlie was already at work, or if he would be home. When the screen came to life and I saw it was already 10:26 I was shocked. I had always been a morning person by nature, but in the past few years, I hardly ever slept for more than five hours at a time, and I had gone to bed the previous night around 10.

I smiled thinking of Edward's face as he backed out of my room. His eyes were light and playful as he pulled me back to him by the waist, nipping at my neck. He was begging me with his body to stay, but ultimately respecting my wishes - something even I was having a hard time doing.

After the ice was broken and my headache had subsided, the rest of the afternoon had been wonderful. He was right, there was an ease with our interaction. There were no awkward pauses or dead spaces in the conversation. We flowed together, like water.

I'm not going to lie, we didn't talk the whole time. A cheesy grin split my face in two as I thought about the soft touches - his lips. Edward was most definitely the Patron Saint of Kissing, at least I felt like I was in heaven when my lips were joined with his.

He was so gentle and sweet, opening himself up, confiding in me about wanting to be normal sometimes. I slipped up, let him in a little. My heart stuttered slightly at that realization. Part of me wondered what good it was to pursue him at all because I _couldn't_ let him in - I just couldn't. And even if I did, he'd hate me once he knew; he was too good a person to want to associate with someone like me.

But I was being selfish, and I knew that. As much as I didn't want him to see my blackened soul, I wanted to bask in the light of his for just a little bit.

_You're being a liar, but what's one more blemish on your soiled life?_

"Fuck," I groaned. I couldn't think about it anymore. I just needed to be happy with the nice evening I had with him, besides I had a call to make…

"Chief Swan."

"Hey Dad," I smiled into the phone, my Dad's gruff voice always comforting to me, even when I try not to let it be.

"Bells, honey, it's good to hear your voice. And twice in one week … to what do I owe this honor?" I could hear the lift in his voice - the smile on his lips under his bristly mustache. My grin grew wider.

"Ha, well, I don't know that I would call it an honor … but, I was just calling to see what your plans are for Christmas."

"Oh, but Bells this is most definitely an honor, a call from you is like - well it's like receiving a call from the damn Queen of England." He laughed at his own joke, and I heard the phone rustle against his shirt, his voice coming through muffled. "Hey Waylon, guess who I am talking to? _Bella_," he sounded so proud, dragging my name out like a small boy. There was a resulting whooping and hollering in the background, I could barley make out a 'Hi Bella!' And I was seven years old again, riding my dad's shoulders into the station. Beaming at all the uniformed men who would shower me with compliments, and candy, and jokes far too crude for a seven-year-old to repeat.

"Dad, please, can you just -"

"Ha, ha, sorry Bells - you hear that? You're a regular celebrity around here. I don't know what these jokers would do if you actually came by for a visit." His comment, though playful, was loaded and I felt every ounce of its weight. I hadn't been to see my Dad in over a year.

"Well, about that Dad, I was hoping the invitation was still good and I could come for Christmas, crash on the couch or something…" My words faded out and I fidgeted with the beige hotel sheets.

"Gee, I don't know Bells. I mean it's only a little over a week away. I wish you had of given me a little more notice."

My stomach clenched tightly, and I felt suddenly sick. I didn't know what I was expecting exactly, but I should have known better then to think Charlie would have welcomed me back so easily when I had been anything but there for him. Air moved slow and shallow in and out of my lungs, my mouth hung slightly a jar; I was at a loss for words.

"Um," I swallowed hard, trying to dispel the thick, dry feeling coating my throat. "That's okay, I -"

"Isabella Marie Swan."

I was stopped short by the admonishing sudden shift to his 'Dad voice', my jaw closed with an audible pop.

"Do you honestly think I would say no? Ha ha, honey, you must be out of practice with your old man's sense of humor. Beside the fact that I already asked you to come home, of course you're welcome honey, and please - your room is _still_ the way you left it, so don't give me any of this 'crashing on the couch' business."

My brain stalled, clutch crunching loudly as I tried to switch gears and keep up with my father. A ridiculous tear slid down my cheek, and I wiped it away quickly, sniffling slightly. "Okay, Dad."

"You can come whenever honey, I'll be around."

"Thanks Dad." Another tear - stupid brain.

"Of course. And Bells? I'm glad you're coming home." The strain in my Dad's voice was evident. Witty / lame jokes - no problem. Real emotions - they tripped him up every time; I was too much like him for my own good.

"Me too Dad."

Ending the call, I glanced back at the fluffy tower of promise that lay spread out behind where I sat. I flopped back, enjoying the feel of the crisp cool cotton engulfing me as my body sunk down. Perfection. Reminding myself I had absolutely nowhere to be, I allowed my eyes to draw closed - shutting out the dull gray morning light. I sighed in contentment, my mind slowing while my body relaxed into a measured, easy lull. I listened to the soft whispers of air escaping my lungs, my pulse slow and steady as I felt each individual chamber of my heart pulse. I was completely and utterly relaxed.

"Bella!" Alice's voice sliced through the silent calm, causing my eyes to rip open. "Bella, get up sleepy head! We have shopping to do," she sang. My eyes snaked into two tiny slits, I watched her with sheer contempt as she flitted about my room pulling clothes out.

"Alice, what on earth-"

"A, a, a." She stopped short in front of me, holding one slender finger up to my lips. "I don't even want to hear it Isabella. Christmas is a week away and we're already going to be battling with last minute shoppers."

I shook my head, burrowing down into the covers. "Don't worry about it Alice, I'll go out later, you don't have to babysit me."

She scoffed, grinning at me, her head falling to the side while she appraised me. "Nice try Bella, but you're going. There's no way I'm letting you get Charlie another tie or mug for Christmas," she shuddered at the mention of my usual m.o. when it came to presents for my Dad. "And since you're actually going to see him for Christmas this year, you should have something extra special." I stared at the back of her pitch black hair as it darted from the dresser to my luggage open on the floor, her attention back on picking my outfit for the day. What was I, four?

"How did you-"

"Charlie called," she cut me off, answering before I could finish the question.

"My Dad called you? When? I just -"

"He called right after you got off the phone, he was excited, he wanted to make sure Rose and I were coming too." She beamed at me, and all I could see was a big pink Cheshire cat face grinning at me like she knew something I did not.

"You guys are coming?"

She sighed, tossing a sweater and jeans at me. "Of course Bella, we go everywhere with you - three musketeers - remember?"

I dropped my gaze to the clothes in my lap, and once again I wanted to tell her I didn't need a babysitter. But my friends had always been there for me, at times when truthfully they should have walked away, and that comment in this context would only come off as disrespectful and unappreciative, so I bit my tongue.

"Anyway, get up and put your clothes on, your shoes and socks are by the bathroom door. Rose and I are waiting in the hall." She trotted to my side, bending and placing a quick kiss in my hair. My empty stomach snarled at me as it clenched with that familiar pain. Whenever Alice became too much like a mother bird the searing hurt resonated, I tried not to think about it - not to analyze - but it was pretty obvious to me why that was.

"Okay," I mumbled after her, unable to supply my normal snarky attitude.

It didn't even occur to me that I would be spending time with Rose. I heard Alice say her name, but it was background noise to my internal rumination over my twisting innards. It didn't even hit me when I stepped into the hallway and gave a half-assed smile to my two friends and then followed obediently down the hall. It finally hit me when we were in the car and the air was thick with an uncomfortable silence. Had she even acknowledged me when I came out of my room? I couldn't have told you, that was how self involved I apparently was. _God Bella, there are other people in the world_, I scolded myself.

I couldn't stand feeling like I was at odds with either of my friends - it corroded my soul. They were such a part of me that I physically ached when they hurt - and vice versa. Flashing back to the previous night and the pain in Rose's eyes - the tears she refused to acknowledge - it hurt like a mother fucker. To know that I put them there again, I felt like throwing myself from the car. I peered out the window, the asphalt spinning by at a dizzying pace and contemplated how much it would hurt exactly.

I couldn't let the deafening silence linger any longer. Sucking in a hefty breath I expelled in a blur of words. "Rose, I know you're livid with me, but I promise you there is nothing else going on - just what I told you, nothing else."

The silence thickened, causing my ears to ring, my heart beat erratically. I twisted my fingers together, peeling my eyes from the floor mat and settling on Rose's face finally. She was turned in her seat, staring at me - blank faced.

Opening my mouth, I waited for the words to come, the brilliant sentence that would make all of my actions make complete sense and soothe Rosalie's worries. But nothing came, no epic declaration, no thoughts, not even my usual word vomit when I was nervous. Her expression did not waiver, her glare eating through me. All she supplied me was an annoyed sigh before she turned back to the front of the car.

I sank down into my seat, peering out the window and feeling as much like an admonished child as I ever had, no words necessary. Rose had a way of doing that, making me feel every bit of her disappointment without saying much at all. Though I suppose I deserved whatever it was that she wanted to throw at me.

The mall came into view, the tall glass front shining with twinkling Christmas lights. Alice parked and I followed the girls in, silent and unworthy. Alice was her normal self, bouncing around, pulling different things off racks and shelves, showing me excitedly. I simply nodded, approving whatever it was she wanted to buy. Physically I was there, mentally I was curled in a ball wishing I didn't feel like such shit; once in a while catching heavy glances from Rose.

I was wandering through the accessories section of whatever store we were in - I wasn't even sure, when I glanced around and noticed Alice was no longer fluttering about me. Confused, I turned a complete one-eighty, not spotting her anywhere. I found Rose looking through the scarves, I timidly stepped toward her.

Swallowing, I attempted to remind myself that she was my friend, simply talking to her shouldn't feel so painful. Humor - Charlie always fell back on humor when he was nervous, but it always seemed to lighten the mood.

"Did you happen to notice a Tasmanian devil tornado through here?" I smiled weakly at her.

She glanced up slowly, the same plain painted expression residing in its place. With a light shrug she finally responded, "She said something about checking out shoes, she said she'll be right back."

Exhaling a breath, I felt slightly relieved, it was a start - at least she was talking to me. I pretended to be interested in the brightly colored silk scarves she was admiring, picking one out and feeling the soft fabric slip easily between my fingers. It was pretty, a bright lavender, simple. "This would look beautiful with your eyes," I blurted, not thinking or realizing what I was saying.

Rose stared back, dumbfounded before she composed her features and then dropped her gaze to the light fabric in my hands. "Did you really just give me fashion advice?"

"Uh, I guess?" I responded.

A small smile lifted the corner of her lips and my stomach fluttered with hope. "It is pretty," she mumbled lightly.

Unsure of where to go from there, I felt nerves surge once more. I was walking on eggshells - ones I had placed there, but still, I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"Look Bella," Rose began before I could even attempt my part, "I believe you okay. I don't know why, and every grain of common sense tells me I shouldn't trust you, but I do." Her eyes met my, light brown, warm, caring. It was Rose, my protector, the person who possibly cared more about me then even I did. I would never understand why she or Alice put up with me.

"But I swear to God -" she continued, her voice going slightly colder. "If you fucking lie to me again, about anything, even so much as what you ate for lunch, I am calling your father."

My mouth hung wide, I could not believe Rosalie Hale had just threatened to tattle on me. I dumbly shook my head, "No more lies, I promise."

She nodded sternly, seemingly coming to a resolution in her own mind. "Ok." And with that she yanked me into a tight hug, squeezing her arms around my shoulders - Rose gave the best hugs. "I just worry about you," she whispered, and I wasn't sure if it was more for me or for herself.

"Oh, YAY!" Alice's squeal made me jump, pulling away from Rose. "I knew you two would make up!" She clapped, hopping to our sides. "You girls ready to get some grub?"

Rose and I both shook our heads yes, the three of us linking arms and walking for the exit. I felt light, happy, I had my girls, and possibly a boy - whom was the Patron Saint of Kissing - I didn't deserve any of it, but I'd take it.

We stopped at a kiosk to see what restaurants were in the mall just as my phone rang. I pulled it from my purse, my insides doing cartwheels as I saw Edward's name appear on the caller id. Holy Shit.

"Hello?"

"Bella? Hi, it's Edward Cullen."

I couldn't help but giggle at his use of his full name - like there was any other Edward.

"Hi Edward Cullen."

"Ha, yeah, um so I wanted to ask. I was wondering. Um, would you like to go on a date with me?"

"A date?" My response was lame as I echoed his words. Frankly I didn't know what to say. Part of my mind played images of flashing bulbs and obnoxious paparazzi, the other half just thought of his soft smile and gentle touches.

"Well, yeah, I mean it wouldn't be out anywhere real big because of - you know - earlier, but I would. God, I sound like I'm fifteen." I laughed loudly, understanding exactly how he felt, and simultaneously garnering Rose and Alice's curiosity.

"Listen, we've kind of done everything out of order, and I would love to take you on a proper date."

My cheeks flushed as I thought of what had happened in the back room of that very mall. "That sounds wonderful Edward, when?"

"I was thinking tonight. I mean - if you weren't busy that is."

"Tonight?" I glanced up, thinking of my friends and of our day out, I didn't want to cut that short. I was met with two enthusiastic expressions, their heads bobbing furiously in a yes.

"Yeah, I know it's short notice, it's ok if you're busy."

"No, it's fine. Tonight would be wonderful."

"Great, I will pick you up at your room around 7:30?"

I glanced at my watch - 3:28, that was plenty of time. "That's perfect, see you then."

I hung up, Rose and Alice both grabbing my arms and pulling me back into the mall. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're getting you ready for tonight," Alice trilled, she was practically vibrating.

"I have stuff at the hotel, I don't need anything."

Rose huffed, laughing at something I was apparently missing. "No Bella, we're gonna make you look Edward fucking Cullen worthy." she replied simply as they pulled me into La Perla.

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**A/N: So I'm just gonna go ahead and point out the obvious… I am not updating regularly. Wait, wait, wait! Don't run away! Point being that I was hoping to update this weekly, which turned into bi-weekly, which turned into… well I don't even know. This story will continue to be updated, I just can't promise the timeline. I hope I don't loose any readers over that, but I know it's frustrating to wait forever. (I am such a hypocrite as I beg for an EP update.) Please leave me your thoughts, they are greatly appreciated as always. Thanks lovelies!**

**xo Buff**


	8. 7 But My Hand Was Made Strong

**A/N: Despite starting school and being too busy for her own good - Katbug86 beta'd this for me. Thank bb. [chubby heart peens]**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all it's respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 7

But My Hand Was Made Strong

BPOV

"Are you _sure _Bella?" Rose asked for the bazillionth time. I glared at her, my hands holding firm on my hips.

"NO Rose, now stop asking me."

She slumped down into the couch, with a deflated shrug. "Fine, I'm just trying to make this evening spectacular for you - but whatever."

"It will be spectacular," Alice chimed in, running a brush through my hair again. "Look who she's gonna be with - how could it not be?"

I nodded, but kept my mouth shut. I just wanted the conversation to be over and for Edward to knock on the door and save me from the hell I was in - _that_ would have been spectacular.

Rose looked thoughtful for a moment, and I pretended not to notice her appraising eyes, playing with the hem of my very tight navy blue sweater instead. She slid forward to the edge of the couch, her knees almost touching my legs. Her hands grabbed mine, forcing eye contact.

"All I'm saying is it's good for a girl to be prepared. Do you remember all the things we said, about angles? Take control if it feels right - it'll be much better that way." I stared, blank faced at her, her face scrunched. "Are you sure you don't want cliff notes or something? I could jot some things down for you real quick. You could write it on your hand, or -"

Standing up abruptly I almost knocked Alice off balance while she was trying to secure the last bobby pin in my hair.

"ENOUGH, Rose. Seriously. I do not need cliff notes from you about how to have sex with Edward Cullen. Jesus Christ!" I ground my teeth together, continuing to let her have it. "Firstly, I know what I'm doing. Believe it or not I have knowledge of the mechanics of sex and even experience - imagine that! Secondly, who says it's even going to get there Rose!" Exhaling a heavy, cleansing breath, I attempted to change my tone. "Now, please, I appreciate all of your help - but just let me be. Okay?"

Rose recoiled slightly during my outburst; I was a bit proud of that, it took a lot to catch her off guard. She relaxed nodding contritely supplying me with a clipped "Sorry."

"Its fine, really, I know you're trying to help." I swallowed, wanting to put something out there, but I didn't want to piss them off further. It had to be done though, because I knew they were both thinking it. "And look guys, I know you both wanted to meet Edward, and that you two have had this - thing - for him for years now. So … so if you don't want me to do this, I would understand. I'll call him now and cancel, no hard feelings I swear. It's your call."

"Bella!" Alice looked shocked. "Absolutely not! We just want you to have a good time - enjoy this. Right Rose?"

Rosalie was intently picking at her nails, her gaze fixed on her fingertips. "Rose…" Alice stage whispered and then nudged her head. She dropped her hands and looked up with a sigh.

"Alright, yes - we just want you to have a good time," she recited, rolling her eyes.

I laughed - she had such a way with words, but then again, Rose was never big on emotions.

"You _do_ don't you?" I said, narrowing my eyes at her. Her arms crossed rigidly against her chest as she threw me an annoyed stare. "Rose, you _really_ want me to have a good time … it's written all over your face." I dropped down next to her on the couch, poking my finger into her check to accentuate my mocking tone.

"Knock it off Swan. If you want to go on this date in one piece, I suggest you drop it." She sounded serious, she sounded like she was going to spit venom, only she couldn't hide her smile, and I saw those flawless lips curl slightly.

"Thanks _Rosie_," I said, because I knew how much she hated being called that, and I threw my arms around her squeezing tightly. She was laughing, shaking us both, and I loved how things were all but normal again - everything except my plans for the evening; that was certainly not normal.

A soft knock at the door caused me to freeze. I didn't realize I had continued to squeeze Rose until she was pulling at my arm whispering she couldn't breathe.

"Oh, sorry," I mumbled, pulling away. Rosalie's normal quick retort did not come; instead her hand was rubbing small circles on my back.

"Just a minute!" Alice called, as she moved around the room throwing discarded clothes and makeup into the bedroom.

"You'll be fin B, just relax - _be yourself_," Rose said a la Genie from Aladdin, and it worked, I couldn't help but chuckle and remember our Disney movie marathons on Sunday evenings when we were in college.

I gulped in air, nodded my head, and stood. Rose stepped around the couch and went to open the door. Alice took the last two seconds to fluff me.

"Edward," Rose said pleasantly as she bowed and opened the door. _Bowed._ I was smacking my face internally - _way to go the extra mile Rose._

But then my eyes met with his and all the nervousness and the embarrassment for my friends' behavior melted away. "Hey," I said with a smile I could not force from my face.

"Hey," he grinned back.

Alice kicked the back of my foot lightly, and I remembered they hadn't been properly introduced. "Oh, Edward, these are my friends. This is Alice, and that's Rosalie."

He smiled politely, nodding to them, "It's a pleasure to meet you both - Bella has told me so much about you."

I blushed, knowing exactly what he meant, and I hoped that neither one of them would pick up on his intonation. I saw Rose's expression change just a hair; I almost spoke before she pressed further, but Edward turned the amperage of his smile up and it was devastating. I was impressed that neither of them passed out.

"Well, shall we?" I asked eagerly.

"Absolutely," he replied holding out his elbow for me. I hooked my arm in his and waved over my shoulder at the girls.

"Bye guys!" Alice practically yelled as we stepped into the hallway.

"Don't forget angels B!" Rose's voice came slightly muffled as the door closed softly.

I smiled up at Edward who was giving me a questioning look. "Angels?"

Shaking my head, I pulled us forward, "You don't want to know - trust me."

Once inside the elevator I let go of Edward's arm, turning to face him. "Hi," I said again with a soft smile.

His reply was a breathy "hi," and our bodies leaned into one another. The lights on the elevator buttons caught my attention, and I turned my head towards the distraction. Edward's lips brushed against my cheek and he laughed.

"Where are we going?"

Just as he opened his mouth to answer the blinking numbers stopped on the highest floor, and the doors rolled open smoothly. "Here," he finally replied.

"Where's here?"

"Well, my room is up here, and I've set up something … private for us."

My stomach spun wheelies at his words… _private_. I began to wonder if perhaps I should have taken Rose up on her offer. _Notes wouldn't have hurt anyone. What if I was a fumbling idiot, what if I touched him in a way he didn't like… and who the hell said it was going there anyway? _

It was only a few steps before we were at his door and he was allowing me into his room. His suite was enormous, taking up a good portion of the top floor. I looked around in quiet awe as we walked further into the living area. I wasn't paying attention as he led me to the balcony, my focus was on his hand against my arm - his fingers were soft.

As he opened the paned-glass door I was shocked by what I saw. There was a small round table lit with small candles and two covered plates. There were flowers, peonies - blue and green, in the center of the table. The railing was covered with tiny twinkling white Christmas lights and soft Christmas music played in the background.

"You did this?"

He shrugged, his cheeks darkening a bit, a shy smile playing at his lips. "Yeah, I kinda thought it would be better than going out - you know, no paparazzi."

Then it all clicked into place. He meant private for my benefit, because he was thinking of me - not because he expected sex. And I never wanted to jump someone's bones so much in my entire life more than I did in that moment.

"Thank you," I said, but it came out barely a whisper.

He answered with a bashful smirk, and then grabbed a chair to pull out for me. A wave of consciousness came over me in that moment. It was like a spotlight flickered on in my brain, lighting this emotion that had been festering, hiding in the darkness. Only the light was too bright - too harsh, almost whiting out the feeling, but I could see it's blue-hued silhouette. Edward was different, whatever was between us was - different.

It scared me because I knew already that I couldn't be good enough for this kind of feeling - but I wanted it so badly. I yearned for a happy simple life, to put the past where it belonged; however, mine was sewn to my heels like Peter Pan and his shadow, and it followed me everywhere.

He pulled the chair out smoothly, he was such a gentlemen. I took a step, out of time with his rhythm, and placed my hand on his arm to stop him. My eyes were locked on my fingers gripping his shirt sleeve. Before I could change my mind, for the first time in years, I acted on feeling rather than thought - leaving the shadows in the darkness where they lay, putting the past out of mind. I tipped up on my toes, my gaze flitting to his just as our lips met.

He was not expecting the action, and he sucked in a surprised breath. My left hand found his neck, then hair, as my mouth moved with his. I poured the passion I was feeling, every ounce of it, into the kiss. My tongue slid easily between his lips, searching, tasting. The kiss ended slowly, neither of us wanting to end it as we continued to peck and nip, holding tight to one another.

"We should probably eat before the food gets cold," he spoke finally, sighing heavily.

I nodded, pulling away only slightly, holding his gaze for a beat longer. I smiled, and I wanted him to see it, the honesty behind it. I wanted him to know what that night meant to me, what his thoughtfulness had meant. I allowed myself to feel it, to experience my feelings for him. I didn't stifle them as I normally would have.

Dinner was delicious, and I had to laugh at Edward when he told me up front that he did not cook it himself - that it was in fact room service. He could have totally played that shit off.

"Are you always so good?" I asked.

He laughed, sipping his wine. "Ha, no. I wouldn't say that I am particularly good - just normal. And boring."

I snorted at those words, clapping my hand across my mouth. _Great, sounding like a pig - literally - on a date was never a good thing. _"I'm sorry Edward, but I can't imagine how your life could possibly be _boring._"

"Well, then you'd be surprised. I can be pretty mundane. If you were hoping for some crazy rock star partier then I apologize ahead of time for your disappointment."

Raising an eyebrow I took another sip of my wine, "Really, so you are completely straight edge? What a shame," I joked.

"Yeah, I know. I am a complete failure when it comes to fitting the bill of 'celebrity'. I've never even smoked a cigarette before."

I coughed, choking slightly on my drink. "Really? Never? But… what about the pictures? The tabloids?"

"All part of the image - if I ever feel like they are catching on sometimes I'll stand outside and hold one so that they'll get pictures, and then I am reaffirmed into the National Badass Society."

I gawked at him, unsure of what to say to that. Then Edward practically fell off of his chair laughing. "I'm sorry Bella, I was just kidding. No - those were unfortunate times when I was holding someone's cigarette for them. And truthfully I think that's only happened once. So, nope - I _really_ don't smoke, so obviously no drugs either," he said shaking his head. And I decided not to comment on that, it was not a subject I wished to go near. Instead, I changed the focus, trying to keep the mood light.

"So tell me, where does Edward Cullen not so rockin'-rock star live?"

His eyes dropped to his empty plate, and he discarded his napkin. "I don't really have a place where I live."

He caught my confused look and continued without question, "I never saw a reason to buy a place - I'm always on the road."

"Oh," I replied. "So what are you doing in Seattle then, I thought you were from here?"

"I am, my Aunt and Uncle live here, they sort of raised me." His smile dissolved into his words. I hesitated, unsure if I should ask - unsure if I even wanted to breech the subject.

As I opened my mouth to ask why, I chickened out, another question all together escaping. "So can I ask why you don't stay with them when you are in town?"

"I love my family, and as much as they mean everything to me they can drive me crazy - especially around the holidays. It's just easier to rent out a hotel room for a few weeks," he finished with a chuckle.

"So you've really never considered buying your own home?"

Edward tilted his head to the side, his neck cracking lightly as he thought his response over. "No, honestly. All of my possessions I really care about are at my Aunt and Uncle's, and I just really don't have a need."

"I can't imagine that," I mused looking out over the view of the city against the sparkling Christmas lights. "There's something to be said about having a home - making a place your own. I need roots, to be grounded somewhere; I couldn't travel all the time like that." My mind wandered to a cold isolated place full of people - all strangers. I shivered, not a place I wanted to be again, wandering and lost.

"You might be right," he said, following my gaze over the balcony.

"Bella, can I say something?"

Our eyes met, a nervous quiver vibrated my stomach. "Um, okay."

Edward inhaled lightly, standing and moving to kneel in front of me. His hands covered mine in my lap, they were cold despite the heaters he had taken the care to place outside with us. "I'm not really sure where to being. I just - you are amazing, and when I'm with you there is something there. I don't know what, and I don't want to label it, or even talk about it, because it's just nice, and it's just there.

But, I know there's something… I mean, I really don't know, but I have the feeling there are things in your life you don't want to talk about. I understand, trust me, but because I care for you I want you to know…" his penetrating stare pulled deep on _that_ feeling, and my breath caught in my throat. "Just please know that I am here, whenever you do want to tell me, to let me in. If it's tomorrow, if it's never - that doesn't matter, I just want you to know that I may not be much, but I am here."

He was so close, I could feel him all around me, his tenderness was overtly endearing. I wanted to tell him everything, spill my soul to this beautiful man. _Could he be my savior? Would he want to be?_ But I couldn't and my lips stayed sealed, but my heart spoke volumes as is soared through my chest. The only answer I could supply him was a kiss. I pulled his face to mine kissing his lips and his cheeks, soft, gently, over and over. He did understand, and he wouldn't press - just as he hadn't before.

"Thank you," I whispered in between kisses so he knew that I understood his intentions. My fingers found his hair, smoothing through the silky locks. I kissed his temple, his eyebrow, his eyelid, his nose, his mouth. Slowing my motions, our mouths danced languidly. I wrapped my arms around his neck leaning in to deepen our kiss.

His hands slid up my jeans and rested at my hips. I stood, attempting to keep our mouths connected but failing. Taking his hand I led him inside silently. Passing the couch and the kitchenette, I headed for the bedroom.

Edward watched as I stopped just in front of his bed, my hands resting on his chest. Swallowing hard, I did my best to find my voice. "Edward, you are completely right, and I'm sorry. You need to know now that I am not good for you - nowhere near good enough. You deserve someone normal, someone with a bright, happy, fluffy past." I paid him the same respect he had afforded me, supplying him full eye contact. I wanted him to understand - he needed to make this choice.

"I am cracked, and it's not something that can be fixed - not just a hole to be filled in. I don't deserve you, but I - I want you. I can't help it. I do, in every form of the word, but you need to know this. I don't know what I can tell you, I don't talk to anyone, I just - it's … I just can't. I'm not worth it," my voice waned, fading into dust.

Warm hands curled around my arms. "Bella, I don't know what you could have done - or what could have happened, but I do _see_ the woman before me today. Trust me when I say that you are more than worth it."

Opening my mouth to speak, I didn't have the words. I stared at him, feeling that connection grow, that feeling bubble. I smiled.

"You say the sweetest things. Your mouth, it talks pretty to me… I like that."

"Ha, I'm glad you like that," he grinned back.

Leaning down, he placed gentle trailing kisses along my jaw. His mouth skimmed along my flesh, pressing tenderly just behind my ear. "Isabella," he began against my neck in a whisper that skipped across my skin, bringing goose bumps to the surface. "You have captured me in your eyes, pulled me under with a wave of grace even you don't know you possess. Tell me how to show you what I see, because it would take your breath away."

And he had, I wasn't breathing, my eyes were closed and my temple lay against the side of his face. My whole body tingled wildly. I hadn't realized I was gripping the back of his shirt so ferociously until my fingers began to ache.

"Edward," I murmured.

"Hmmm?" He hummed, continuing his delicate attention to my skin.

"Kiss me?"

He pulled away slowly, bringing his hands to cup my face. Our gaze met again briefly before I closed my eyes. It seemed like forever until I could feel just his breath on my mouth, then slight pressure, and the tingles turned to surges of passion that shot through me violently.

My fingers flexed against his back, his shoulder blades taut under my hands. Dipping my head back, he deepened our kiss, and I tried desperately to pull him closer to me. He walked us backward to the bed, and we fell together, never ceasing to touch.

I wasn't thinking about angels, and I wasn't thinking about nerves or messing up, I wasn't thinking of anything except Edward and his words. My hands moved to free his buttons while his right hand explored my body, moving over the rise of my breast and running down along my stomach.

His fingers found the hem of my shirt and dipped underneath, sending a fresh wave of need through my limbs. I was drunk on it - intoxicants had nothing on Edward's fingers. They slid nimbly underneath the thin lace of the bra Rose insisted I buy - I was thankful I listened. My back arched into him out of reflex when he grazed my nipple. I moaned loudly, but could have cared less how embarrassing it was, he seemed to like it though, and he hummed into my mouth.

His shirt fell open, and I ran my own hands down his body, not stopping to hesitate when I came to the top of his jeans. I slipped my hand into his pants and felt his erection through his boxers. He grunted at the contact and our kiss grew in its intensity.

He pulled away, breathing heavily against my face. "I want you Edward," I said without thinking.

"Fuck Bella, I want you too," he replied, and I giggled.

"Oh, the things you say," I breathed haughtily and gripped his dick firmly, pulling him to me.

"Jesus," he groaned, bucking his hips lightly into my hand.

Rolling us over, I perched myself on top of him, pulling my shirt off. He loosened my bra straps, letting them fall off my shoulders, and I reached behind me and unhinged it. His hands went to my breasts as he appraised my bare skin.

His mouth replaced his hands, sucking lightly on my hardened nipples. My hands were burrowed into his hair, my body moving automatically against him. He gripped around my hips, steadying me, before he began to undo my jeans. I followed suit and fumbled with his pants, moving down his body so that I could peel my pants off.

He reached above his head and pawed through the bed side table for a condom, returning triumphantly. I shimmed his boxers off, drinking in his form in all its beauty - and my God was it beautiful. His body was a fucking work of art, and I wanted to run my tongue along every crevice to make sure he wasn't made of marble.

When he was ready, I climbed back on top, our mouths finding one another again, like magnets, pulled together. Hovering above him as we kissed, I positioned my entrance right above his penis. Reaching between us, I slicked my hand along his length, feeling every bit of him.

His mouth moved to my neck, and he groaned as I slid my hand over the tip and back down. I needed him, and I couldn't wait any longer. I sunk down slowly onto him, reveling in the feel of him inside of me. I moaned, biting down lightly at the crook of his neck.

I moved my body slowly up and down, the sensation vaporizing my blood as it gorged through my body, consuming me. My movements began to quicken along with my breathing. Our lips rejoined, and Edward flipped us, hovering above me.

I pulled my legs up, allowing him to go deeper. He pushed hard into me, and I cried out. My muscles drew in tight, I was so close, but it felt so damn good, and I never wanted it to stop.

His cock pumped into me, and he shifted his hips, the tip of it hitting a spot inside me I had never felt before, and I couldn't help the high pitched, continuous moan that escaped me. My orgasm slammed through my body suddenly, I called out against his lips, gripping his hair tightly.

He was moaning against me as I contracted around him. He thrust a few more times before his body went rigid, and he called out my name in a guttural moan - that nearly made me cum again.

We stayed still for a moment, his head against my shoulder, breathing as one - coming down from our highs. He shifted, littering my face and neck with kisses.

"You are amazing," he whispered against my ear, and I sighed with a soft smile.

I huffed from the exertion, "not as amazing as you Edward Cullen." _Nowhere near it. _But somewhere inside of me I knew I already felt different, stronger - Edward made me feel stronger.

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****A/N: So, I know a lot of you are wanting more info on Bella's past. Trust. It will come - I don't want to rush this, savor the good times. That is all I will say. Please review, it is always appreciated, I'd love to know your thoughts! **

**xo Buff**


	9. 8 Have No Fear For Atomic Energy

**A/N: Katbug86 worked her magic on this, a big thank you to her as always. And thanks to CC who pre-read and has informed me that I may now spill all the secrets. **_**We'll see… we'll see. Muahahahahahaha! **_**If you aren't familiar with her blog [KStew is better than YOU] , well that's just a fucking travesty and you need to fix that pronto. It's now a shiny website, with a url and everybody! :) Check it out at www(dot)ksibtu(dot)com **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 8

Have no Fear for Atomic Energy

BPOV

My life was not a fairytale. Far from it. If ever there were an after school special about what not to do with your life, mine would fit the mold perfectly. I have more issues burned into my being than even I'd like to acknowledge, and yet - they are a part of me, what has shaped me. One thing I was wholly certain of, however, was that my life was _not_ a fairytale.

And that was what I repeated over and over again to myself as I listened to Edward taking a shower in his bathroom. I could hear the water splashing against the iron tub, a soothing steady rhythm. What had me captivated though was the beautiful voice that was muffled behind those walls, but drifting ever so softly into the bedroom.

I couldn't make out the words, maybe one or two here and there - but not enough to understand what he was singing about. I could only hear the music in his voice, the tone, the richness. It was comforting in the way a warm blanket and a thick pair of socks was on a frigid winter's day. I wanted to tuck myself into the sound, warm my weary bones with it. For a moment, I felt like it could heal me.

_My life is not a fairytale._

Edward may be someone's prince, but he was not mine. And if I were completely honest with myself I would admit that I didn't deserve the fairytale to begin with. Everything was my fault; _my_ decisions, _my _choices, those were the cause for the burden I carried today - for the rest of my life.

The door opened, thick steam rolling out around Edward as he stepped into the room. I smiled at him, he smiled back, and that was all it took to send my heart trilling against my chest like a hummingbird.

His hair was dripping water on the floor as he shook a towel through it. Another white towel hung from his hips, his bare chest glistening with tracks of water that fell aimlessly down his body.

I may not have deserved the storybook ending, but at least I could let myself enjoy the fantasy for a bit longer. I stood, his shirt hanging from me; it was huge, but I loved it. It had his smell. Closing the distance between us, I tucked my fingers into the top of the towel. My lips worked along his collar bone, and his hands fell to his sides, his hair forgotten.

"You smell delicious," I breathed against his skin.

Before he could respond, I pulled the towel loose and let it fall to the carpet. My hands wandered his body, his hugged my hips tightly. I saw a flash of green, our eyes meeting for a brief moment before I brought my lips to his.

The kiss was passionate and deep and sent shock waves billowing through my body. We moved as one back toward the bed. He lifted me, my naked legs wrapping around his hips as we fell together onto the soft mattress.

Our bodies melded together, moving in and out, building concurrently. His lips were everywhere, small tingling buds exploded under my skin at every point his mouth touched. Edward could do amazing things with his voice; and his fingers on the guitar and piano were magical - but the music he could make with his body was indescribable. We stayed that way most of the morning, getting lost in one another.

Finally, around two, I pulled away and took my own shower, although I smelled like Edward and I was sad to wash that away. When I came out of the shower he was fully dressed, his face beaming at me as I grabbed my clothes from the day before and quickly got dressed.

"What's up?"

"Emmett called while you were in the shower," he replied, his finger toying with the cell phone in his lap.

"Oh yeah?"

"He was wondering if you were still around, he asked if you'd want to do one more set tonight at the club."

"Oh, well, I hadn't planned on it, but yeah - that's sounds like a good idea." I shrugged.

"Awesome, I'll just call him back," he replied, his face brightening that much more. He left the room, and I finished getting dressed. I decided to give Rose and Alice a quick call while Edward was preoccupied, retrieving my phone from my purse. I could hear Edward on the balcony laughing at something Emmett was saying. It brought an immediate smile to my face; his laugh was quickly becoming one of my favorite sounds.

"Hey Rosie," I said when she picked up on the first ring. My voice was very chipper, and I was fully aware of that fact - but I couldn't help it.

"Bellllaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She cried into the receiver, I had to pull my ear away from the phone. "OH MAH GAWD. Girlfriend, tell me all about it. How was it? Was he too yummy? Does he have a big di-"

"ROSE," I interrupted her tirade. "I will not discuss details with you. Just that it was wonderful, he was amazing and … and … oh mah GAWD Rose," I gushed, unable to hold back. Plopping down on the bed I listened to her screech and fill Alice in. I was giggling like an idiot at the two idiots I was talking to.

"Okay, B - no details, that's fine. But you have to do one thing for me please. If you love me at all answer me one question."

"Er, okay," I sighed, figuring one question couldn't be that bad.

"Is he circumcised?"

"Rosalie!" I gaffed.

"You said you'd answer, please - I won't ask anything else I swear!"

Rubbing my hand down my face I grunted against my hand. "Yes." It came out muffled and was quickly overshadowed by Rose's screams.

"HA! Told you A L I C E! Bitch, you owe me twenty bucks - _circumcised_. Bahahahaha."

I was crying I was laughing so hard. I could hear Alice in the background hollering about making sure I was positive, and she didn't bet twenty dollars, it was only five. Rose was taunting her. I loved those girls.

"I'm glad B, because I've never been into the whole 'hooded' look."

"Yeah, thanks Rose," I chuckled.

"Ugh. Okay Alice! Calm the fuck down. Holy Moses, she's vibrating over this shit. She wants to make sure that you are one hundred percent on this - you saw it?" Her voice was muffled as she pulled the phone away from her mouth. "Alice that's the stupidest shit I've ever heard, she humped him, how could she not know? What? Oh… are you serious? Well, fuck. B, are you sure?" She asked again.

I had no clue what Alice's response was, but I didn't really want to know. I rolled my eyes at their ridiculousness. "I am positive. I touched it, saw it, maybe other things - yes. Positive." I said with finality.

"Ohhhhhhhh. Snap. You go girrrrlllll," she drew out, obviously laughing at herself. "Seriously though, I'm fucking proud of you B."

"Thanks," I laughed, and the door to the balcony closed causing me to sit upright on Edward's bed. "Uh, well, anyway Rose I can't really talk. I just called to tell you I'm doing a show tonight at that club, Twilight, again, and I'd love for you girls to come. We can get some drinks after I'm done - on me."

"Ew. That place again? Alright B, we'll see you there hon," she sighed, as if it was such a task.

"Well thank you for honoring me with your presence, your Grace," I joked.

"Fuck you B, you know I love you," she laughed.

"I love you too!" Alice voice trickled in from the background. I imagined her perched in Rose's lap, listening to our conversation.

"Love you guys too. See you tonight. I'll text you the time when I find out."

"Sounds good, have fun with Eddie," she teased.

"Oh, I _have_ been," I teased back, but it made her stutter her words. _Win for Bella._

"Uh, ha, yeah, alright, see ya tonight, _whore_," she got her last jab in. I hung up laughing lightly to myself.

The club was fuller than it had been the first night I performed, but I found myself just as comfortable as the last time. My set had gone well and afterward I hung out in the same booth I had before, handing out CD's and signing a few autographs. The line was longer though, and I made a good amount more which I was pleased about.

Rose and Alice stood at the end of the line chatting animatedly about something. Edward was hidden, probably in the back room with Emmett, and as much as I would have liked to see his face, I was glad that he was staying out of sight. God knows what could have been printed if we were seen together twice - some magazines were still reporting that I was bearing his child. I chuckled to myself at that thought.

"Hey Belly Bee! Alice gushed as she bum rushed me, effectively knocking us both back into the booth.

"Hey Al, so what'd you guys think? I added a few new songs."

"Psh, please B, you rocked that shit out like usual," Rose replied, her grin consuming her face.

"Thanks guys, I'm glad you came."

"You did great Bella, now how about those drinks?" I laughed and did a double take at Alice, surprised it was her that those words had come from.

"Al, I think you're spending too much time with Rose."

"Well, I have to make one of you more like me or I'm going to go fucking nuts." Rose chuckled. She linked her arm in Alice's and wrung her hands together, "and this one's coming along nicely, muhahahahaha" she bellowed a hearty 'villain' laugh.

Alice elbowed her in the ribs, rolling her eyes at me. "Whatever bitches, I have always been spunky."

"Yeah, true - if dorkiness could be characterized as spunk," I shot back, laughing out loud when she slapped me across my arm.

"You guys can suck my left tit," she quipped causing me to smack my hand over my mouth. "It was _me_ you guys use to come to in college to find out where the good parties were going to be. It's not my fault hanging out with you two has made me boring."

"No, Al," Rose sighed. "I think growing up to become an interior designer has done that to you."

"No, that makes me hip, unlike being a stuffy lawyer." Alice deadpanned eyeing Rose.

"I am not stuffy."

I was leaning against the bar, relying on it to hold my weight I was laughing so hard.

"Girls - please," I interrupted. "I think it's safe to say that we are all far more boring than we were in college. But, that's probably a good thing -" I stopped short when I saw both of their expressions. Neither of them were laughing anymore - they were just staring at me, faces flat. My stomach plunged when I realized the time period I was referring to. I didn't usually slip up like that, I generally steered clear of mentioning to past all together. I opened my mouth to speak when a throat cleared behind me. Alice and Rose's eyes shifted to whomever it was, their eyebrows simultaneously shooting up.

"Excuse me ladies," a smooth voice spoke just loud enough to be heard over the music.

I turned around, not sure who he was, but he was beaming brightly at me. He was tall and handsome, his blonde hair hanging unkempt over his eyes. "I'm sorry to interrupt, are you Bella?" He spoke in a slow southern drawl, and I could practically hear Alice's ovaries throbbing - she had a real thing for 'southern gentlemen'.

"Er, um. Yes," I replied dumbly, taken aback by the pretty stranger with simmering deep brown eyes who was addressing me.

"Sorry, I am Jasper, Edward's friend." He presented me his hand. I shook it lightly, he hand a good strong grip. He smiled, tipping his head to Alice and Rose, I could only imagine if he were wearing a cowboy hat, he would have surely taken it off and bowed rightly to the lady-folk.

"Oh, um this is Rose and Alice," I said, finally gesturing to them.

"It's a pleasure," he replied, his smile widening when his eyes fell on Alice's small frame. My gaze shot from Alice to Jasper a few times as they blatantly eye fucked one another. I looked at Rose who sighed loudly rolling her eyes.

"Where is Edward?" I blurted before Rose could say what she was about to. I was positive it would have been something along the lines of 'get a room', so I thought I'd spare Alice the embarrassment.

"Oh, right, that's why I'm here. He is in the back room, and Emmett has invited you ladies to join us. There is a smaller bar back there and a pool table. It's sort of "VIP", but really it's just where Emmett's office is so customers aren't allowed. You ladies are more than welcome to accompany me back if you'd like. Drinks are on the house," he grinned winking at Alice. _Good Lord - get a room._

I was already sure of Alice's answer. "Rose? You wanna go back, or are you ready to go?" Alice's face went into pout mode immediately, but I kept my eyes on Rose, ignoring her attempts to persuade.

"Oh, what the hell - free drinks right?" She shrugged, but I knew it was Alice's pout that had done her in.

"Excellent," Jasper responded with a smile in his voice as big as the one smeared across his face. He gestured with his hand forward, and then offered his arm to Alice. She practically hummed with energy as she linked her arm in his. I wrapped mine around Rose's waist as we followed the two.

"Well that was fucking fast," Rose mumbled. I couldn't help laughing, slightly astonished by the whole thing. Outside of chasing celebrities - namely Edward, Alice had always been, in my opinion, too picky when it came to men. So to see her swoon, quite literally, over one was an amazing thing to witness.

"Chin up Rosie, wait till you see Emmett, he's pretty hunky," I whispered.

She chuckled, nudging me. "Hunky? Bella, you just took the sex appeal right out of it, seriously."

"Well, we'll see," I laughed, and she cracked a smile, as she straightened her posture, rising to her full height.

The back room was just that - nothing special, a desk along the far wall where Emmett obviously kept his books. A small pool table, a couch, and a make shift bar in the opposite corner. Along the wall where the door was there was a one way mirror.

"Hey," I smiled at Edward as we entered. He was holding a pool cue in one hand, leaning against it. _If only AMF knew about this man - they would sell a million pool tables._

"Hey," he replied with a smile.

I had the sudden urge to throw him against the table and molest him, but instead I tightened my arm around Rose. _I will not fuck Edward on a pool table in front of everyone - I will not. …Maybe if they get drunk enough…_

"So what about those free drinks?" I blurted, causing both Rose and Edward to laugh loudly.

Emmett chuckled and shook his head, making his way to the bar. "Oh, Bella - you've met Emmett?" Edward asked, lining up his next shot.

"Well, yes, briefly." I didn't want to mention the horrible memory that was associated with the meeting, so I left it at that.

"Emmett, these are Bella's friends, Alice and Rose," Edward introduced them, eyeing Alice and Jasper who were talking quietly on the couch. Emmett nodded, busily preparing some drinks and not looking up. "And it looks like you guys have met Jasper," Edward said, still watching the pair, his eyebrow cocked. He looked at me and I shrugged.

Glancing around the room for a minute longer, Emmett appeared in front of me with a glass of something that looked fruity and tasted freaking delicious. "Thanks," I said taking a good sized sip.

"You're welcome," he replied kindly seemingly noticing Rose for the first time as he handed her a glass as well. She thanked him but appeared more interested in the décor of the room than the man handing her the drink. _Rose_ - what a tease, but I will tell you I have never seen playing hard to get work except for when Rose did it. She had mastered it, and it was easy for me to spot.

"So Edward," she spoke suddenly. "You gonna play with those balls all by yourself or do I get to play too?"

I bumped my hip into her, causing her drink to jostle slightly in her glass.

"No, I'm not really one for a one man show, I prefer a worthy adversary," he smiled.

Rose stepped forward, motioning for him to hand her a cue. He offered her one of the shorter cues that are designed for a child or short woman. She shook her head, waggling her hand in the air. "No, Eddie, I like to play with a big stick, thanks."

He laughed and traded the cues out, handing her a longer one. "You wanna break Rose? You look like the type that is good at busting balls," he quipped, and I wanted to applaud, but kept my hands wrapped tightly around my drink.

"I'd love to," she said smooth as silk, her voice sultry, even I was impressed. Alice and Jasper could have been on Mars alone for all they knew, so no reaction there. Emmett's paper work had become very interesting suddenly, and he was parked behind his desk, bobbing lightly in his chair. He coughed loudly when she had spoken, but he couldn't hide the smile that was threatening, I'd seen that much.

I walked by Edward, placing a light kiss on his cheek, immediately missing the warmth of his skin against my lips when I pulled away. Moving to the back corner, I perched myself on top a stool at the bar and watched Rose and Edward play.

What was much more entertaining than the two competitive assholes playing pool, was watching Emmett pretend not to notice Rose pretending not to notice him. It was downright hysterical.

Rose seemed to favor the side of the pool table where her back would be to Emmett. I had never seen her so concentrated on a game of pool. Taking her time to lean as low across the table as she could - most likely to get the best angle … yeah.

And Emmett barely noticed her … in the way when a man is completely consumed by a woman - that was how _little_ he noticed. More than once he dropped his pen mid stroke, my eyes catching his as he peeled them off of Rose's ass. He couldn't have been less interested … sure.

I was so entertained by the tango that was happening that I hardly noticed my own admirer. A few times I'd catch Edward's eyes lingering on me when I cracked a joke or laughed too loud. He looked happy, content, and when our eyes met there was an extra spark there in his.

_My life is not a fairytale._

"I'm going to go close up shop, you guys can hang out here while I do," Emmett said, standing from his desk and stretching. His wide shoulders gave way to his burly arms that seemed to stretch the width of the room; the man was huge.

Rose grinned at me, and I new this would be her moment to strike. "Hey Emmett, can I help you with that?"

He looked utterly shocked that she had spoken to him, but I wasn't. It was a classic Rose move; play coy until the poor sucker thinks he has no chance and then pour it on. They never saw it coming, and it generally seemed to shock them into playing right into her hand. Damn brilliant lawyer, she always had a mind for that kind of thing. She understood people; she knew how to work them, men especially.

"Uh, … yeah. Sure." Emmett's hand ran through the back of his hair as he supplied her with a nervous smile.

"I really like what you've done with the bar, it's got a great atmosphere," she said in a very non-Rosalie bubbly tone. _Pour it on thick, like honey._

Emmett smirked at her, his posture stiffening as he stood taller, escorting her through the door. Hook, line, and sinker.

"Hey Belly Bee, Jasper's gonna help me load your equipment, we'll be back." Alice stood, walking toward the door, Jasper following eagerly.

"Equipment?" I asked, causing her to stop short, but I should have kept my fat mouth shut. I knew there was no equipment. I tried back peddling quickly, Alice's eyes pleading with me. "I mean the guys usually get my guitar and stuff … but, actually Al it would be awesome if you could make sure they take it to be shipped home and not back to the hotel."

This was usually something that was pre-arranged and Alice was the one who took care of it, but it was my feeble attempt to save face for her and Jasper who obviously just wanted time alone.

Her mouth twisted into a vibrant smile and she nodded. "Sure, no problem."

Alice trotted out the door with Jasper and it closed gently behind them. I turned to see Edward staring at me, an odd expression on his face.

"What?"

"Oh, it's just - I don't know. I've never seen either of them like that."

"Ha, well Alice and Rose have their quirks, you'll get used to it," I shrugged.

"No," he shook his head. "Jazz and Emmett. I mean… wow. That was like some Love Potion Number 9 shit right there."

His face contorted with his words into the most adorable expression, and for a brief moment I could see the boy inside Edward, playful and naive. I couldn't help but laugh at his reference, and not just because it was pretty dead on, but because it was such a dorky thing to say.

"Oh Edward, if only people knew just how risqué you can be," I chuckled, wrapping my arms around his neck.

His eyebrow arched, his mouth setting in a firm line. "Is that a challenge Miss Swan?"

His voice was low, and his chest rumbled with the base of it against me. I thought fleetingly of the pool table and the current absence of people. My stomach tightened around a flurry of hormonal butterflies. "Well that depends, you're not talking about playing pool are you?"

"Ha, no." His mouth captured mine, my body melting into him at the welcome contact. He worked slowly, kissing lightly along my check, languid gentle kisses. I closed my eyes enjoying the feel of it, the care behind it, not just the hunger. It was something more and it made the physical sensation immensely greater.

"Do you know what I've been thinking about all night?" He whispered against my ear between kisses.

"No," I mumbled, my face feeling numb.

"You, naked on this pool table." His tone was gruff and emoted just as much need as I felt surging through me. My fingers tightened their grip on the back of his shirt, a soft moan escaping me. My head lulled back as he moved his lips under my jaw and across my neck.

"Ew, gross - get a room."

Edward all but jumped, standing up fully. Dropping my forehead to his shoulder I sighed heavily. "Thanks Rose," I gritted out.

"No problemo B, ready to go? If we don't leave soon I think Alice and Jasper may fuse into one being."

I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up. Rose always said the most ridiculous things. "Yeah, I'm ready."

Pulling away, I saw the disappointment in Edward's eyes. I mouthed 'later,' he smiled lightly, leaning in to peck my cheek lightly. "Later," he whispered against my skin, sending chills down my spine.

After finding Alice and Jasper in the back hallway leading to the stage, we said our goodbyes, and the girls and I left. All I could think about was Edward, he was in my head. That partially worried me because I knew I would be leaving in two days and I was unsure what would happen after that. Was this something that would fade away into the distance between us when we were no longer staying in the same hotel? At that thought my conscious piped up telling me that was probably for the best, I ground my teeth in irritation.

"So Alice, have you two set a date?" Rose asked as we pulled away from Twilight.

"Excuse me?"

"You know, for the wedding. I'd be surprised if you weren't knocked up what with how hard Jasper was eye fucking you the entire night."

"Ha," Alice choked out. "It's amazing you noticed. Personally I'm more surprised you didn't peel off layers of clothing to get Emmett's attention."

Rose laughed, shaking her head, "touché bitch - touché."

And so went the ride home. The recapping of the evening skewed nicely from each person's point of view.

"Seriously though Alice, Jasper has it bad for you."

"Jasper? Ha, not as bad as Edward's got it for Bella!" She retorted, turning in her seat and poking her finger at me.

"What! Whatever, you guys don't know what you're talking about."

Alice shook her head, "No, I _do_ know what I'm talking about, and I have never seen any man look at a woman the way he looks at you."

Crossing my arms against my chest tightly, I sunk down in my seat. "Whatever, he shouldn't," I mumbled, talking more to the window then Rose or Alice.

"Don't you dare," Rose shot at me, her eyes narrowing at me from the rear-view mirror. "Don't you dare act like you don't deserve that kind of attention."

Tears blurred my vision, Rose had struck a nerve that had been threatening to consume me. I swallowed hard, willing the tears away. "I don't, he knows nothing about me, and if he did there's no way he would still look at me in anyway but disgust." My voice was weak, trembling as I admitted how I felt.

Rose didn't respond, instead Alice turned in her seat, her hand rubbing light circles against my knee. "Oh Bella, honey, you don't know that." Passing lights illuminated her face in flashes, her bright blue eyes glowing in the darkened car. "Sweetheart, I know how you feel about … everything, but you know what we think," she motioned between the two of them, and I saw Rose nod out of the corner of my eye.

Turning my head to look out the window, I watched the city blink by in a blurred smear, warm tears running freely down my cheeks.

"I was serious," Alice continued softly. "The way he looks at you … like he has found something he's been looking for, it's unlike anything I've ever seen. He really cares about you Bella, and I think you owe it to him to be honest. He's a big boy, let him decide how he feels about your past."

Air caught in my throat, Alice was speaking complete sense, but it was the kind I had avoided. The fear inside me rose up and seized my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I had to admit it to myself, I was afraid of telling him, because I didn't want to loose him. I had done the worst thing possible, I had fallen - fucking plummeted for that man, and I was terrified he would simply walk away.

"And Bella, I see you too. The way your eyes brighten when you're around him. The way you have been actually happy, and … well when he's around you've been _Bella_, the person you use to be. I love that, I've… _we've_ missed you. So please, give him a chance."

I buried my face into my hands, sobbing lightly at her words. I knew they both wanted the best for me, and she was entirely right. But knowing that and actually following through were two different things. I wanted to, I knew I had to… but it would be impossible. "I'll try Alice, I'll try," I huffed out softly and they both let it drop, wrapping me in strangling hugs when we got out of the car and made our way inside the hotel.

I walked slowly into my room; it felt cold and isolated. I didn't turn on any lights, just sat down in the darkness allowing myself to saturate in it.

_This is what my life will be._

If I didn't try, if I didn't let someone in, then I would forever be alone, cold and isolated in the darkness. I didn't want that, I wanted happy, I wanted normal, I wanted Edward. I had to try. I smiled to myself through the pain that still smoldered in the pit of my stomach. He was so sweet; he had already surpassed anything I would expect another person to put up with. His compassion and understanding - it amazed me.

Without thinking, I stood, grabbing my purse and left my room. The elevator moved slowly as I watched the numbers climb. My hands shook as I knocked lightly on his door. I had no clue if he was even back yet.

The door opened and his smiling face ignited that feeling inside of me. Alice had been right - it was a happiness I hadn't experienced in a very long time. "Hey," I mouthed.

"Hey you," he said, and that's all he could get out before I threw myself at him. My arms wrapped tightly around his waist as I held on for dear life, squeezing.

"Bella?" His tone was curious, but there was a laugh behind his words.

"I want to try. I want to tell you, you have to know that. I just, I can't right now. But I will, I promise," I blurted, my face smothered against his chest.

"Okay, I told you, I will wait for as long as you need." His finger hooked under my chin, and he forced my face up to his. "Thank you," he said softly against my lips.

"You're welcome," I breathed.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Stay with me?"

"For as long as you'll have me," I replied as he pulled me into his room, closing the door softly behind us.

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**A/N: So the good news? Chapter 9 is done, it has been written and is currently in the hands of Kat so she can polish it all up nice and purdy. I should be posting it soon - as in real time soon, not my obviously skewed version of soon I have been going on with these chapters thus far. Let me know your thoughts, I L O V E to hear them! Thanks for reading lovelies!**

**xo Buff**


	10. 9 None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds

**A/N: What's that you say? Twice in one week you say? Yay for sooner **_**actually **_**being sooner! Katbug86 beta'd this as always. Big thanks to her for always putting up with my abhorrent grammar. ;)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of the respective characters belong to Smeyer.**

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Chapter 9

None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds

BPOV

_The chords hummed, saturating the small sun-filled room. Beams of light filtered through the fading lace curtains creating elaborate patterns on the piano keys beneath my hands. I could feel the tickling of warmth as particles wrapped around my dancing fingers. The music flowed through me, my limbs buzzing with adrenaline and excitement. I had worked so hard on this piece - it was the most intricate thing I had ever written. The notes drifted in waves, weaving delicately high, tinkling notes with the resonating low octave harmony._

_The melody slowed as the song came to it's final bars. I swiveled my head, peering at my mother over my shoulder, my fingers lingered in their final position. When I saw the look on her face my heart stuttered and then shriveled into itself a bit. All the bravado and pride that had surged through me as easily as the music had, deflated completely. _

_She was smiling, but barely; it didn't reach her eyes. That's where I always saw the truth - the disappointment - in those eyes._

"_We'll work on it," she supplied as she glided up behind me. I turned my head as her hands reassuringly rubbed into my shoulder blades. "But it was a good try honey. With a little sprucing up I think it will be perfect."_

_Her face came into view, inches from mine. My hands lifted from the now cool ivory, the sun had moved past the window, the wooden damper making a dull thud against the steel wires as I released the keys. She smiled her smile, her gray eyes still whispering her true thoughts to me, as she leaned in and pecked my cheek. How I hated those eyes. _

"What are you thinking about?" Edward's voice sounded far away, but his fingers trailing along the back of my neck made my skin tingle. I was seated on the familiar feeling bench, my chin resting in my palm as I leaned against the side of the small upright piano. My right hand pressing lightly into the keys, arbitrarily striking notes that dissolved thinly into the air.

"Hm?" I had heard him, but my mind was years away and that was the only response my brain could generate. I had found myself drawn to the small piano while Edward was in the shower, so there I sat, allowing my thoughts to drift - something I rarely did.

He leaned down, placing a soft kiss behind where his fingers had just been. "You look like you're somewhere else. What are you thinking about?" He chanced again in a whisper, and I could hear the slight nervous tenor to his tone.

Shrugging, my hand dropped to my lap. "Nothing," I sighed, my vision fixed on the startling white of the keys against the blackness in between.

His response came delayed, and I could feel it all around us - the questions that hung there. Things he wanted answers to but would not ask because I asked him not to. I knew it was an opportunity for me to make good on my promise, even just a little bit - but the words faltered in my head. "Okay," he said softly rubbing his hands against the sides of my neck, massaging the muscles.

"My mother," I mumbled numbly after a moment.

His hands stopped, silence flooded the room making the air thick. "Oh?" He said carefully.

"Yeah."

What short words, hardly a conversation, and yet I knew the moment spoke volumes. He swallowed hard, his fingers working into my neck muscles again; it was very relaxing.

"What about her?" He asked slowly.

My stomach clenched violently around the words, causing them to come up roughly. "Just when I used to practice the piano, no big deal."

And that was the end of it - we both knew the conversation would go no further. I had chickened out, given in to my fears. His hands let go of my neck, falling to his sides.

"I'm tired, are you ready for bed?" His voice was now flat; I had upset him, but he wouldn't say it.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I just am," I said after hesitating.

"Come on," he said, nudging me.

I stood, keeping my eyes on the floor, I couldn't look at him. After showing up at his door earlier that night, pledging to try harder, I had failed already. The stumbling blocks seemed endless, and I wanted to retreat, curl myself away and just not deal. I thought of my hotel room, cold and dark, and that pushed me to at least stay. _As long as he would have me._

"Bella?" Edward paused as we pulled his comforter back.

I sat down, tucking my bare legs under me. "Hm?" I finally looked at him, and a rush of relief washed over me with his expression. There was no anger, or disappointment, just Edward and his green eyes looking on me with hope.

"Why don't you just stay here the next few days, check out of your room?"

I stuttered my response, caught off guard with where the conversation had veered. "Um, well, I guess… I mean I don't - I, uh, are you sure?"

The left corner of his mouth turned up slightly, emerald eyes twinkling at me. "Yes, Bella, I'm sure. I know you'll be going to your Dad's, and I was hoping maybe we could spend as much time together as possible before you left."

My heart leapt and tumbled inside my chest, I giggled, unable to contain the joy that filled me with his words. "Be careful Cullen, your halo's showing," I said teasingly.

"Halo? Pft. Please, I am far from an angel."

Rising to my knees I moved across the bed taking his face in my hands. His skin was scratchy, course stubble shadowed his face. I rubbed my fingers over the texture, mesmerized at how it made my fingers tingle. "I would disagree, vehemently."

"Vehemently?" He cocked a brow at me, his crooked smile widening.

I nodded. "Vehemently. In fact, I'd say you're close to damn near perfect."

Leaning in he ran his nose along my jaw, nuzzling just under my ear before whispering, "If you could read my mind I think you'd believe otherwise… _vehemently_."

I hummed, letting my eyes fall closed. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking then it may just elevate you to Godly status - forget angelic."

He laughed, kissing me lightly, and pulled me into his lap. "So, how about it? Stay here?"

"Are you asking me to move in with you Edward?"

His cheeks flushed slightly, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he could respond. "Well, I -" His eyes narrowed at me, catching on to my game. "Yes, yes I am. Isabella, will you live with me here in this grand hotel room for the next two days?"

I laughed, squirming against his fingers as they dug between my ribs. "Yes, yes!" I cried, attempting to catch his hands and stop the tickling.

Pinning me to the bed, he held my arms above my head our noses touching, slowly exchanging breaths. "Thank you," he said softly before pressing his lips to mine.

Our mouths moved slowly, exploring. My fingers trailed through Edward's hair, the soft tendrils curling around them. I dug my nails lightly into his scalp and he purred against me.

His long fingers ran along my sides, sliding under the shirt I had borrowed again. Gently, he pulled the cotton up and over my head. I laid bare beneath him, watching his eyes fall over my body. He drank in each curve, I could feel his eyes on me, and it made me feel invincible.

Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I helped Edward out of his shirt, running my hands down his chest, fingering the light trail of hair that led past his boxers. Placing my hands against his chest, I pushed him back until he was lying flat on the bed. I rose, slowly straddling him. Leaning in I worked my lips across his soft skin.

"Close your eyes," I instructed. He listened without question, his mossy eyes disappearing behind a wall of thin skin and lash. I wanted to worship him as he deserved. Kissing each eye lid, I giggled when his lashes fluttered against my lips.

I placed feather light kisses across the bridge of his nose and along each cheek, noticing for the first time a light speckling of freckles just under his eyes. They were barely noticeable, but they were there. My fingers instinctively touched my own cheek where I had a faint splash of freckles.

"You have freckles," I whispered.

"Angel kisses," he replied softly. "My Aunt always called them angel kisses," his voice took on a solemn tone, and I left it at that, moving my attention to his jaw line.

"This feels amazing," he hummed, his adam's apple buzzing against my lips.

"You're amazing," I responded without thinking - not missing a beat. Edward chuckled, but I wasn't joking. His hands were rubbing softly along my sides, my mouth traced down to his chest. I moved to a nipple, swirling my tongue slowly around it, eliciting a hiss from him. I grinned against him, placing a kiss over top the nipple and moving to the other side.

Continuing on, I stalked purposefully to his stomach, marveling at how soft the skin there was. I ran my nose around the edge of his belly button, placing kisses as well.

"I love belly buttons."

"Belly buttons?" he replied lifting his head off the bed and peering down at me.

"Eyes closed," I instructed again, and his head flopped back, a sigh filtering into the air. "And yes, I've always thought they were adorable … even the name."

"Is that because someone called you Belly button?" he chuckled, and I bit lightly into the skin just above his happy trail. "Ow!."

"No, no one called me that."

"But I thought Alice called you-"

"She called me Belly Bee, as in 'buzz buzz' - bee, there is a difference. That was a name my father used to call me. Alice and my Dad … I don't know, they have some weird connection. Don't ask me," I mumbled against him, my head lying lightly on his stomach. I rested there feeling his muscles contract and release with each breath, his body slowly rising and falling. It was quite soothing.

"Well, I think _that's_ adorable."

Propping my head up on my palm I looked at Edward's face. He was smiling down at me, eyes open. "Did you have a nickname?"

"Oh no you don't… I don't think so. That is not something I divulge, even under duress or coercion. You could get Jack Bower in here, and he couldn't interrogate me into telling you that."

I cocked a single brow at him. "Is that a challenge Mister Cullen?" I used his words from earlier.

"No," he replied plainly.

Slinking my body back up his, he groaned as my bare breasts rubbed along him. My lips moved against the corners of his, nipping lightly. I pulled myself up slightly, my legs straddling him again. Grinding my body barely against him, I pulled his earlobe between my teeth. "I think you are," I breathed against his ear.

He exhaled a shaky breath. "Bella…" he trailed, an attempt to beg me off, but a weak one at that.

"You know Edward, there's something I've been thinking about all night too," I crooned, gliding my lips softly across the surface of his skin. Goosebumps erupted wildly over his flesh.

"Yeah?"

"I mean I know you were saying you wanted me naked on the pool table, and trust me, I thought about you bending me over it and fucking me right there in front of everyone." I ground my hips again, accentuating my point, he groaned roughly. "But there is something else I've been dying to do to you since I walked into Emmett's office."

I paused, waiting for him to ask. He was panting lightly beneath me, his fingers digging into my hips.

"Wh-what?"

"Wrap my lips around your full cock," I whispered barely audible against his ear. He groaned, thrusting his hips up into me. "Can I?" I asked coyly.

His breathing was becoming erratic, his fingers wrenching against my hips. "Yes."

Sliding back down his body, I freed him of his boxers, taking his length in my hands. "Are you sure?" I asked again, but it was a frivolous question, I knew the answer.

"Yes," he panted again. I squeezed him lightly, working my hand up and down slowly. My lips curled around his head, my tongue swirling, causing him to jump and hiss. Lifting up again I cocked a brow at him, "Positive?"

"Bella, God, yes, one-hundred percent."

I licked from the base to tip and planted a soft kiss there. "What was your nickname?" I asked as if it were a normal question and not my ultimate goal.

"Fuck Bella," he grunted.

"That's a funny nickname," I replied swirling my tongue again, I was being shameful, but it was too much fun.

"Eddie-Bear," he huffed out. My eyes went wide as I held back a laugh. Instead, I plunged my mouth fully around him, taking him all the way in. I moved my head against his hands that found their way into my hair. He groaned loudly, bucking his hips instinctively. It was hot, and I wound my hands tightly into the comforter beneath us.

"I'm going to cum," he grunted. I pulled away, kissing back up his belly and capturing his lips. Hovering above him, our eyes locked.

"You are evil," he muttered against me. I couldn't help the answering smile that turned up the corners of my mouth.

His hands grasped the back of my neck, pulling my mouth to his hungrily as he flipped us. "You're going to have to pay," he chuckled, kissing me thoroughly before thrusting inside of me. I cried out, the sudden sensation causing me to nearly self combust.

His lips were everywhere as he moved with force in and out. He took a nipple into his mouth and pulled, causing me to moan loudly, my back arching off the bed. Edward continued to pump into me, my muscles tensing, my body building to it's climax. My nails raked down his back as my insides suddenly exploded, blazing fire shooting from the pit of my stomach through my legs and out my toes.

Edward grunted into my neck, stilling as his body released into me, my muscles contracting around him. We lay wrapped around each other for a moment, recouping our energy.

"See Eddie-Bear - Godly," I giggled into his hair. I couldn't understand his words which came muffled against my neck, but I could feel his lips moving against my skin as he spoke. "What?"

Lifting his head, he narrowed his eyes at me, "I said, don't call me that _Belly Bee_."

My expression shifted, my mouth falling flat. "No. You are forbidden from calling me that, it reminds me of my father and that's just … _creepy_."

Edward laughed, his head falling back to my neck. "Fair enough, no nicknames then."

Shrugging, I thought about it for a moment. "Well, just not those nicknames."

"Deal," he huffed, rolling to his side. His fingers lingered along my hair line, pushing hairs off my face. "You're so beautiful," he said softly.

I flushed, not used to receiving such a direct compliment. "Thank you," I whispered with down cast eyes. His finger curled under my chin, forcing eye contact. His vibrant green orbs penetrated mine. "Truly Bella, you are gorgeous - every part of you." His hand moved to my left breast as he traced the shape of a heart over where mine was.

I grabbed his hand, lacing my fingers in his. "Don't," I breathed, leaning in and kissing his lips. He responded with his own kiss, soft and tender. Without another word he pulled me to him, moving us to the pillows and tucking the covers around us. I curled into his warm body, feeling more peaceful then I had in a long time, because with Edward I felt pretty, inside and out; not marred by years past. Closing my eyes I drifted easily off to sleep with Edward in my arms and hope in my heart.

"I still don't see how this is a good idea," Edward said, a touch of annoyance in his voice. We were waiting in the hotel's garage for Rose and Alice to pick us up. I shivered at a light gust of wind that blew my jacket away from my body.

"I don't know, Alice said to trust her, and I do - so… do you not want to go?"

He wrapped his arms around my waist. "No, it's fine," he sighed. "If you trust her then so do I."

I smiled, kissing him on the cheek and nuzzling my nose into his skin. "Thank you."

Right on cue, Alice pulled up in a minivan. My brows furrowed as she rolled the window to the van down. "Alice - what the hell is that?"

"Our transportation," she chimed.

"Well, obviously, but since when do we drive around in a soccer mom mobile?"

"Ahem, it's a _swagger wagon_, and since we needed a vehicle that sat six adults," she shrugged.

The side door beeped three times and slid slowly open. Emmett and Jasper waved, supplying us with goofy smiles.

"Hey, what's up - you guys got sucked into this too?" Edward laughed.

"No," Emmett chortled. "We're your security, douche."

I laughed, finally moving to get in the van. "That's nice of you Em, but I doubt Edward is going to need security against ninety-year-old ladies."

"Em?" He lifted a brow. "Huh, yeah, I like that. I'll allow it. And you never know, some of those old biddies can be feisty."

I was grasping my stomach I was laughing so hard. "I don't even know where to start. Old biddies? You'll allow it? What are we in court?" I teased. He waved me off, rolling his eyes.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Alice gushed. "Rose and I dropped off cookies there earlier today so we can hand them out as we go caroling. Oh! And we got these," she exclaimed tossing a ball of fabric back to us. I pulled them apart to find two red and white striped hats with a white puffy ball that hung down against your shoulder. I handed one to Edward, putting mine on.

"You can't be serious?' Edward mumbled and simultaneously we looked up to Jasper and Emmett both adorned with their own versions of elf hats. I muffled a laugh with my hand.

Jasper turned, grinning at Edward. "Come on man, don't be a Grinch." It was obvious he wanted Edward to have to suffer as well.

I leaned in giving him a quick kiss. "Trust me, when it comes to Alice this is nothing. Count your lucky stars she didn't have the whole ensemble to go with this - pointy shoes and all," I whispered. He chuckled with a nod and placed the hat on his head. He looked beyond adorable, his wild auburn hair pushing the hat up on his head, unruly and peeking out the sides.

Shadybrook Retirement home was a nicely secluded, gated community. We pulled in, greeted by security guards at the gate who showed us where we could park. "Feel a little better now?" I asked Edward.

When I asked him if he wanted to go caroling he laughed and said he might as well strip naked and run down the street screaming 'take my picture!' Personally, I didn't see how it could be that bad even if we had gone door to door, but I got his point. After explaining that it would be in a closed community and mostly the elderly, he seemed more at ease.

"Yeah," he grinned down at me. "This should be fine."

I couldn't help the goofy grin stretched across my face as we walked to the front entrance. Alice's arm was hooked in Jasper's and Rose's in Emmett's. My heart soared at the sight of them happy and apparently smitten. My friends deserved the best, and the majority of their lives, outside of work, revolved around me. Neither of them would ever say as much, but I knew that had a lot to do with why they didn't date much.

I owed a lifetime of happiness to them, and if they found it here in Seattle with those two, then it couldn't be any more perfect. A not so positive thought struck me, and I stopped short, Edward yanked back when I did so.

"What's up?"

"What are your thoughts on that?"

He followed my gaze to our smiling friends, ridiculous elf hats bobbing behind them as they walked through the front door. "I think it's fine?"

Turning my attention to him, I narrowed my eyes. "Fine?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Placing my hands on my hips, I did my best to channel my inner-Charlie. "If those boys do anything to hurt my friends in the slightest…"

Edward smiled, putting his hands up. "Woah, no, I meant I think over all it's fine. I mean, normally I would say that it's fast, but I really don't have any room to talk, so…" He shrugged, slinking his right arm across my shoulders.

I dissolved into his side, smiling. "Okay Cullen, I'm gonna say this because I feel I have to. But, if my friends are hurt in anyway, I will have to physically disfigure your friends."

"I'll be sure to pass along the message," he chuckled, kissing the top of my head.

"Good. Now, let's go sing carols and spread some fucking Christmas cheer."

"Aw, you're so sentimental," Edward laughed, pulling me through the doors.

The evening was turning out to be really fun. It helped that Emmett and Alice couldn't carry a tune, but had no qualms about singing at the top of their lungs. I was completely incapacitated at one point, unable to sing because I was laughing so hard, as was everyone else. Emmett ended up singing a solo version of Silent Night for the cutest little old lady in her late eighties.

She stood in her door, her head barely reaching Emmett's waist as she beamed at him. He held her hands and sang the most hideous version I had ever heard. But I had to hand it to him - he owned it for sure.

After we made our rounds we went downstairs to their community room where Carl, a 92 year-old man, played the piano while we sang more songs. He was a riot, and Edward couldn't get enough of him. Carl's eyes were kind, black pools of experience. He had **charcoal skin** and a gritty voice. He was an old Jazz performer during the swing era of the late thirties and early forties, and they chatted at length, Edward eating up every word of his stories. He was amazing to listen to, and a sight to see play the piano - even his versions of Christmas songs had soul.

Watching Edward talk with him was enthralling. You could see the respect in his eyes, the curiosity and awe. He was nothing like you would expect a celebrity to be. When Carl sat with Edward at the piano and began to give him tips, Edward looked like a kid in a candy store.

Other tenants joined us, laughing and singing. You could see the life in their eyes, glowing with happiness to have people to entertain them. I walked to the back of the room to get a soda when one of the women approached me.

"Hello Dear," she smiled kindly with her whole face.

"Hello," I smiled back. "Are you enjoying all this craziness?" I joked.

She turned and looked over the room, her eyes twinkling as bright as the lights on the Christmas tree that sat in the far corner. "Oh yes, very much so. This has been so nice, I can't even tell you."

That warmed my insides, I smiled wider. "It has been our pleasure."

"So how long have the two of you been together?" She asked, watching Edward as he attempted to try something Carl had just shown him.

"Oh, well, I don't know if we're really together - we only met a few days ago."

Her muddled brown eyes fell back to me, wide with surprise. "Oh my, I'm sorry, it just seemed like the two of you are so in tune with one another, I just assumed."

I shook my head, turning to watch Alice and Jasper try swing dancing. Neither one of them had a clue what they were doing. A pair of tenants twirled circles around them, demonstrating some moves. "It's fine, I kind of know what you mean. It feels that way at least."

"But you don't look happy about that." She observed.

I sipped my soda, shrugging my shoulders. "It's complicated."

Her weathered hand gripped my forearm firmly, patting it as she spoke. "Oh Honey, it's not complicated. You younger generations always thinks it is, but really it's not. Love is one of the simplest things in life. If you love him, you love him, and that's that. Even if you weren't looking for it." She smiled kindly again, and I just stared. Love was not what I was thinking. It was furthest from what I was thinking, but the word echoed through my bones like it had found it's home at last.

She patted my arm once more. "Sometimes it has a way of finding us, and all that stands in its way is for you to really see it." She turned to walk away and paused a moment. "And Dear? Everyone deserves love - no matter who they are."

A lump formed in my throat, tears threatening to spill over. I was speechless.

"Hey B, who'da thought old people would be so much fun?" Rose came bounding over, going for a bottle of water. "What the hell is wrong with you? You look like you just saw a ghost."

Shaking my head, I attempted to clear it. "N-nothing. Just kind of tired I guess."

"Shit B, you're not really preggers are you?"

"What? Fuck no, bite your tongue," I hissed.

"Relax Bella, I was just messing with you," she rolled her eyes. "So, what's the plan for going to your Dad's? Christmas Eve is in two days."

"Oh, yeah. I was thinking we could leave Christmas Eve morning, does that work for you guys?"

She bobbed her head, swaying slightly with the Jazz music that was now pumping out of the piano. I looked up, surprised to see Edward was the one playing. "Yup, sounds good."

Edward's eyes caught with mine, I smiled brightly, waiving. His answering smile sent a prickling sensation down my spine. _Was it love?_

I pushed all thoughts out of my brain, moving to the dance floor, joining Alice and Jasper in their attempts at swing dancing. He twirled us both, Emmett and Rose joining in. I was laughing and dancing and feeling wonderful when a familiar set of hands grabbed me by the waist. Edward pulled me to him, taking me into his arms.

"Hey beautiful," he smiled down at me before twirling me away and then spinning me back in.

"Hey handsome. So this was good?"

"This was perfect," he agreed happily.

"I'm glad you've enjoyed yourself. Carl is pretty spectacular."

"Yeah, I think I might come back and visit with him. Do you think that's weird?"

I laughed at the slightly nervous look on his face. "No, not at all. I think that would be wonderful."

We danced for a while before the night wound down. Saying our goodbyes, Edward shook Carl's hand promising to come back and visit. I hugged Carl and Ellie, the woman who had spoken to me by the back table. It turned out they had found a second chance at love there in that retirement home. He held his arm around her lovingly as we drove away, waving to us at the front door.

Lying in Edward's hotel bed, listening to him in the shower, I thought of tomorrow. It would be our last full day together, and that spurred a feeling of panic deep inside me. Something had to give, if we had any chance of prolonging our relationship. The problem was all of the tension was on my end, I would have to let go and give in. I knew that the nerves and uncertainty came from the fact that I didn't trust myself.

I was entirely too selfish, and didn't know if I could do the right thing. Edward joined me in bed, smelling deliciously clean. I tucked my body into his, sighing. He kissed me lightly, rubbing his nose against mine.

"Goodnight, sweet Bella."

"Goodnight," I whispered, closing my eyes.

As I lay there trying to fall asleep I felt claustrophobic, smothered by my own trepidation. Like a new day's sunbeam across a darkened horizon, Ellie's words came back to me, loosening the tightness in my chest.

__

_Everyone deserves love, no matter who they are._

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**A/N: So Bella's getting there, her mind is almost made up, she will tell Edward I promise. Please review and give me your thoughts, a big thanks to those of you who do review regularly, it makes me smile. For the lurkers … shall I sweeten the pot? I'll give anyone who reviews and can tell me what's special about the chapter titles a teaser for the next chapter. Next update - next week, till then! **

**xo Buff **


	11. 10 While We Stand Aside And Look

**A/N: Katbug86 was my ever trusty beta for this, thanks love!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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Chapter 10

While We Stand Aside and Look

EPOV

"Yes, just bring one of each. Okay, thank you," I whispered softly into the phone, leaning back to make sure I hadn't woken Bella.

Hanging up the receiver, I moved to the doorway, my eyes settling on her limp form. She was twisted, quite impressively, in the covers; the plush comforter billowing out around her head. She looked like she was trapped in a marshmallow. Stifling a chuckle, I tiptoed around the bed to the bathroom. I had a meeting scheduled that I'd totally forgotten about, so I reluctantly turned on the shower to get ready.

When the alarm on my phone went off that morning I nearly smashed the thing to bits. But the fact that it was going off caused me to pause and look at the display because I hadn't set it the previous evening. It was my calendar alerting me to a meeting with some record executives. We were supposed to meet and go over some numbers, talk about my plans for my next album - some really boring shit. I wished for the millionth time that I had someone I could just hire to handle that end of the music business, but, unfortunately, the people who paid me lots of money actually liked to see my face every now and again.

The warm water felt good against my skin, relaxing, and the song that had been evolving in my head the past few days hummed lightly from my lips automatically. There weren't any words yet, just a melody, but it was beautifully haunting, and I couldn't get it out of my head.

I was out of the shower and dressed just as a knock came at the door. A hotel employee wheeled a small cart in with a handful of covered plates. Thanking the man with a hefty tip, I took the cart and wheeled it into the bedroom, the smell of breakfast foods infiltrating the air. Bella stirred lightly, so I sat down next to her and ran my fingers through her hair. "Good morning sunshine," I smiled down at her.

She answered with her own breathtaking smile, blinking at me as if she were trying to wake from a dream still. "How did you sleep?"

"Perfectly," she mumbled before uncurling her body and stretching with a loud sigh. "What's that smell?"

"Breakfast, I wasn't sure what you would want so I just asked them to bring a few different things." I stood, uncovering a few plates. Steam rolled out of one, the smell of eggs and sausage becoming stronger, and she sat up onto her elbows, her smile shifting, brows furrowing as she looked me over.

"You're going somewhere?"

"I have to go to a meeting, no big deal; it should only take a couple hours. I was hoping you would meet me for lunch. There is a small place just around the corner from where I'll be, and I am never bothered when I eat there."

Her fingers trailed to her mouth, she chewed lightly on her thumbnail. Her expression told me she was nervous, but she was contemplating. "No paps?" She finally asked, small as a mouse.

I couldn't help laughing at how cute she was, her wide eyes watching me expectantly. I pulled her hand into mine, leaning in and kissing her nose. "No paps."

"Okay," she sighed, nuzzling her nose into mine. "What time?"

Looking at my phone, I realized I was going to be late. "Um, how about noon?"

"Sounds good," she said with another stretch and then plopped back onto the pillows, they pulled her right in like a welcome hug. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"You aren't making leaving easy." Dipping down, I drug my nose along her throat planting gentle kisses as she hummed softly.

"Keep that up and I won't _let_ you leave" she cooed, her fingers tangling into my hair.

I groaned, wanting nothing more than to stay right where I was. _Fucking responsibilities_. "Noon," I whispered, supplying her with a hearty kiss against her supple lips.

"Noon," she replied with a smile, letting me go.

Jasper was waiting for me in the parking garage, stereo blaring some God awful techno music. I quickly twisted the knob on the stereo before I ended up with a migraine. "How can you listen to that shit Jazz?"

He shrugged, throwing a sideways grin at me. "Gets the blood pumping."

I stared at him for a second. "You really need to get laid man."

We both laughed at that, Jasper reaching across and punching me in the arm. "Shows how much you know bro."

My eyebrows shot up, "Alice?" I mouthed. His grin grew wider, but he didn't answer. He didn't need to, I knew him well enough. "Holy shit man. Bella is going to cut off your balls."

"What? Fuck that man. Wait. Why do you say that? Did she say something? Has she talked to Alice?"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "No. But she said if you hurt Alice she will 'physically disfigure you'. Hell, she might still on principle. Really Jazz? That was kinda fast."

"In my defense, it wasn't exactly my idea; I just wasn't going to argue, but I'll leave it at that," he replied with a nervous laugh. Apparently Bella's message carried more weight than I would have thought. Maybe Alice told him her dad is a cop. I bit back a smile, trying hard not to laugh. "Anyway, it's not like _you're_ one to talk Mr. I'm in love after only two dates." He threw me a pointed glance out of the corner of his eye.

"Woah - back up dude, I think you're getting ahead of yourself on that one. And _I_ didn't sleep with Bella on our first date."

"Whatever Edward," Jasper rolled his eyes. "Say what you want, but I know you. You've got it bad for that chick. Just … just be careful. Don't let whatever you're feeling blind you. Alice was telling me that Bella's got it pretty rough. I don't want you getting sucked into some bullshit. You've got enough on your plate as it is."

I frowned at him, irritated with his assumptions, but curiosity took hold before the anger could fully register. "Alice talked about Bella?"

He shrugged, watching the road. "A little."

I knew I shouldn't ask, it would be a direct disregard of what Bella had asked for - time for her to confide in me. She said she would, but I didn't know how long it would take her, and I was worried about her more than anything. I couldn't help myself. "Did she say what it was about? Anything at all?" Jasper's curious glance was warranted, even I couldn't miss the slightly frantic tone my voice took. The nervousness I felt rushed through me; he sensed it just as much as I felt it.

"No, not really. She wouldn't give any details, just said she really worries about her. She did say that you have seemed to make a difference in Bella. Something about her being more like her old self." He shrugged again.

That news relaxed me. For some reason hearing that helped to thaw any doubt that may have been harbored in my subconscious. I liked the person I had gotten to know so far, even though it may be just a bit of Bella. I did feel strongly for her, and it was a relief to know it was authentic - however small of a part she has given to me, it was real.

"You going in?" Jasper raised his brows expectantly. I looked up at the tall building, sighing.

"Yeah, I guess."

"I'll be back at noon."

"Oh, no need man, Bella's meeting me for lunch."

He smiled softly at me nodding. "Cool. Well have fun, and be careful." I caught the double meaning and smiled back weakly.

Emmett and Jasper had always been slightly overprotective of me, especially since I had made a name for myself. But deep down, I knew there was no reason to worry about protecting myself from Bella, no matter what her past was. I couldn't help but feel like she was the one who needed protection.

"Thanks man," I said, patting his shoulder before getting out of the car.

I made it to my first meeting just on time, doing my best to pay attention. Although my mind would not stop wandering back to my hotel to the brunette beauty who I left snuggled under the covers. Her creamy skin that tasted so sweet, silky and tempting; the light that danced in her warm eyes, so much life there. I couldn't get Bella out of my head, and it was then I had a flash of brilliance.

It didn't take me long to set everything up and only one confirmation call to Bella so she would know where to meet me. The rest of the morning drug on as I was excited for her arrival.

My eyes, like magnets, kept dropping to my phone, the time crawling along slowly. 11:45. There was talk of numbers, record sales were down by some amount of points. I was scheduled for another tour in the coming months. I wanted time in the studio to work on my next album, they wanted me whoring myself out to sell more shit. But I knew it would all get worked out, I didn't give in easily to every whim of theirs.

11:58. My knee bobbed erratically under the table, my eyes darting to my phone hidden in my hands every half second. I felt like bolting, running down to the lobby and scooping Bella up into my arms. But she would be there soon enough, so I nodded at the appropriate times when I was being addressed.

12:01. I was standing, shaking hands, and wrapping things up when there was a small knock at the office door. My heart trilled against my chest, my blood pumping fervently through my veins. I was nervous, praying my plan worked.

The two record execs whom had stuck around glanced up expectantly. I spent a good hour talking her up and succeeded in gaining their attention. They agreed to meet her briefly, and I would send them a CD so they could hear what kind of talent she had.

I was excited; it was just the kind of break that could launch Bella into the mainstream stratosphere. I was positive once those eggheads saw and heard her they would be eating out of the palm of her hand, begging her to sign a contract.

She would be able to give whatever she wanted to charity, and she would get the recognition she deserved, instead of playing at hole-in-the-wall dives. She could play sold out venues, I could almost hear the crowd calling Bella's name.

The smile was already spread wide on my face when she stepped into the office, my daydreaming getting the better of me. Our eyes locked, and she squinted questioningly at me.

"Hey Bella," I stepped toward her, kissing her cheek softly.

"Hey, are we … are we ready to go?" Her eyes fluttered around the room nervously when she spoke.

"Yeah, in a minute, there are some people I want you to meet first. I've been telling them about what you do, and they are very interested," I said softly in her ear. My right hand was pressed against her lower back, the muscles there going ridged.

"You set up a meeting for me?" She said quickly catching on.

"Well, of sorts, unofficial really."

She took a step back, glaring at me. "Can I speak with you in the hall please?"

I was caught off guard by the icy timbre in her voice. Swallowing hard, I nodded, apologizing to the two men waiting and telling them it would be just a moment. Bella and I stepped into the hallway, and as soon as the door shut behind me she whipped around, anger blazing brightly in her eyes.

"How dare you?"

"How - what?"

Her small hands balled into angry fists at her sides as she fumed at me. "Set me up like that, you didn't even ask me? What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know, I just wanted to-"

"To fix me? What, did you think if I got a recording contract and became a big star like _you_ that my past wouldn't matter? That it would make it all go away, and you and I could live happily ever after? Is that what you fucking thought?"

I stared, gapping at her. I was baffled, words escaping me. I didn't understand why she was so livid. I had no answer; I wasn't even sure what the question was. It wasn't as if I had done anything out of malice, but that was exactly how she was acting. "Bella, I-"

"You know what?" She interrupted. "Just forget it Edward."

"F-forget what?"

It took her a moment, but when she looked up what I saw sent a chill down my spine. This was the Bella that I had not yet met. It was not the happy Bella, the loving, caring person I knew. This was the Bella she had become, whatever her past had turned her into. "Everything," she replied, her voice dead, eyes black.

I watched her turn and walk away, dread filling me. In those eyes, in that one final word, I'd seen a side of her that both saddened and terrified me. What had she been through to make her that way? I knew then that I couldn't even begin to imagine.

_Everything_. She wanted me to forget it all, not just what happened in that hallway, but every moment we spent together. I pinched the bridge of my nose, attempting to process what had just happened. It would be easy, to chalk it up to Bella being unstable. To regard the past few days as a fleeting moment. I could try and forget, write a song about it and move on. No. I couldn't do that.

"Jasper?" I said as soon as he picked up his phone. "Can you come and get me? I need to get back to the hotel."

"Ah, sure, but what happened to your lunch date with Bella?"

"I'll tell you about it on the way."

"I'll be there in fifteen," he replied before I ended the call.

Jasper was there in eleven minutes, I think he could tell by the tone of my voice that it was important. "Thanks," I said as I climbed into his car.

We drove for a moment before he finally decided to pry. "So? Spill."

"I think I messed up man."

He frowned at the windshield. "Messed up? How?"

"I don't know. Bella was meeting me here for lunch, and I couldn't stop thinking about her during my meetings, and I got this idea to have her meet with some of the execs, and she freaked out on me," I rambled.

"Oh. So she just left you there?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "She basically said she never wanted to see me again."

He raised his brows. "She _said_ that?"

"Well … no, she didn't say that. But she might as well have. She told me to forget everything."

"Yeah, I guess I can see where you'd think she meant that. Well, look man, maybe if you call her after Christmas, when everything's blown over and she's all full of Christmas cheer and shit, she'll rethink things."

"No, I'm not waiting. I'm going to talk to her now. I never should have let her just walk away."

He glanced at me, concern registering in his face. "Well, Eddie, don't you think poking the bear may not be the best move?"

"Poking the bear?"

"Yeah, she's like a bear you've angered, and I don't know about you, but I wouldn't go poking a fucking pissed off grizzly."

"Whatever Jazz, it can't wait. And please, keep your analogies to yourself."

"Alright man, suit yourself."

When Jasper pulled into the underground garage at the hotel, I all but rolled out of the car before he could even put it into park. I took the elevator up to my room first, figuring she must have gone there because she had already checked out of her room. My heart sank when I barreled through the door and the suite was empty; and not just absent of Bella, but her belongings as well.

I ran out to the elevator, taking it to her old floor, making a beeline for Alice and Rose's room. I was sure she was there, she couldn't have gone anywhere else, and when Alice answered the door, she didn't looked surprised to see me.

My eyes shot around the room, looking for Bella, but there was no sign of her.

"She's not here Romeo," Rose muttered from behind her book.

"Was she here? She's not in my room and-"

"Edward, please sit down," Alice interrupted me softly, motioning for the couch. I perched myself on the edge of the cushion, unable to relax, every muscle in my body screaming with tension.

"Alice, please, I have to talk to her. I know she probably told you not to let me, but I need to apologize, it was all a big mistake." The pleading in my words was unmistakable. Rose peered above her book, almost looking sorry for me.

"Edward, I'm sorry. She's … she's gone."

"Gone?"

"Yes, she didn't even come by here, she just called about twenty minutes ago and said she was already on the road to her Dad's and that Rose and I are supposed to rent a car and meet her there."

The tips of my fingers went cold, my head spinning slightly. _She left? _My mind raced with what all of this meant. She most definitely didn't want to see me again, but why? How had things gone south so devastatingly fast? "Did she say anything? Did she tell you what happened?"

"Not really," Alice said, and her blue eyes drew to mine, tears brimming the lids. "But I knew something was wrong, because her voice, it was … like it was before. She was distant. I asked, but all she would tell me was that you tried to set up some meeting and it was a mistake, she said it was all just a terrible mistake."

My stomach turned, and I thought I might throw up. Had Bella really called me, called us, a mistake? That shook me to the core, striking a nerve that burned me deeply. I let out a pitiful sigh, grasping my stomach and sliding back on the couch. My eyes burned with unshed tears, my heart felt like it was on fire; I dropped my head to my hands. "I don't understand. I was just trying to help, why did she get so upset?"

"Edward?" Alice sounded so small when she called my name. I glanced up at her, and she was chewing nervously on her lip. She reminded me of Bella; a stifling jolt of pain shot through me.

"I know Bella was working her issues out, she was changing, even just in these past few days, both Rose and I could see that. She told us a few nights ago that she wanted to tell you everything. So I'm not going to tell you, because that would be betraying one of my best friends … one of my sisters." She glanced at Rose who smiled sadly back at her.

"That's hers to give, her story to tell, and I won't do it for her. But I do think I can share a little bit with you, especially now. I think you deserve to know at least this."

I swallowed hard against my suddenly parched throat. "Okay, Alice. I understand, and I want to respect Bella in that way as well. But I just want to know how I messed up, where I went wrong."

She nodded, smoothing out her charcoal skirt under her hands. "Okay." Looking to Rose for one last confirmation, her focus turned to me. "Rose and I met Bella when we were just freshmen in college, it was at orientation actually," she smiled at the memory.

"Bella was this springy happy soul who was bouncing around campus, starving to make friends with whomever she could. We were assigned a suite together, the three of us, and we became inseparable immediately. She was so full of this vibrant life, eager to soak up whatever she could, be it academically or socially. She was open to try anything and everything."

"Anyway, when we found out that Bella could sing the way she can, and that she could play the guitar and the piano - that she was like a musical prodigy, or something, we were shocked. We asked her why she never played, and she began to tell us stories about her childhood. It was nothing too sinister, but you could tell by the way she spoke that as little as the moments may have seemed - they had affected her deeply.

"Her mother pushed her too hard. Put her in competitions early and made it all about winning. And not just doing well, she expected her to place first every time, and if Bella didn't, her mother made damn sure to let her know she was disappointed. It got to the point that once Bella was old enough, she simply refused to enter into any more competitions, and the more her mother nagged, the more she pushed back. By the time we met Bella, she hadn't touched an instrument in over a year."

I thought of my Aunt and Uncle, and how supportive they had always been, never pushing too hard, and I felt lucky. Knowing what pressure could do to you, now that I had people to answer to, and imagining a young Bella trying to deal with that from her own mother made me sick.

"Right before Christmas break our freshman year, her mother called and went on another one of her bouts about Bella wasting her talent. Telling her what a mistake she was making. Bella was supposed to go home to her for Christmas but she was so upset, she ended up staying at school, which we didn't know until we came back. It was from then on that I never heard her sing anymore, not even in the shower." Alice's fingers laced together as she spoke. Her words were tentative, and I could tell she was leaving out details, but she had given me enough so that I could gather exactly what I had done to Bella.

"She saw it as pressure," I mumbled, pieces falling into place in my own mind.

Alice placed a hand over my hands that were clenched tightly shut. "Edward, I know you didn't mean any harm by it, and anyone else who looked at this situation would assume Bella flew off the handle and overreacted. But you have to understand what that feeling triggered in her - it's not your fault."

"I need to fix this Alice, how do I fix this?"

She looked confused, pulling her hand away. "I don't know that you can Edward. Bella can be very stubborn."

I had to talk to her, I knew I did. But I also knew it wasn't going to be as simple as a phone call, and Bella deserved more than that anyway. "Where does her father live?"

"What? I don't know that I should-"

"Just give him the damn address, Alice," Rose moaned, shocking both of us.

"What?" Alice and I said simultaneously.

Rose stifled a smile. "Give loverboy here the address. If he's gonna sit through that explanation and still want to see her, then he deserves it," she shrugged.

I could have kissed her. I never liked Rose more than I did in that instance. "Thank you," I mouthed, but she blew me off with a roll of her eyes. Something told me that was as good as her giving me a hug in Rose-language. I smiled back.

Alice huffed, tearing off a corner of a piece of paper and writing down the address. She paused before handing it to me. "If she is angry that you did this then you _did not _get this address from me, are we clear?"

"Crystal," I replied, grabbing the piece of paper.

"Thank you, for everything," I said before kissing her on her cheek.

Just before I left, Alice stopped the door, calling my name.

"And Edward, if you want her to give you a piece of herself, then offer her a piece of yourself first."

I smiled and nodded, understanding exactly what she meant, and then ran for the elevator. I explained it all to Jasper as he drove me to the rental car company. He had already called and reserved me a vehicle, which was waiting for us as we pulled up.

He tugged me into a solid man-hug, complete with a back pound, before he shook my hand. "Be careful Edward." I acknowledged his concern and then slipped into the black Chevy Nova. I couldn't help but smile when my fingers curled around the steering wheel. _Jasper really loved me._

"I thought you could use a pick me up," he explained, patting the car door.

"Thanks Jazz." Turning the key, the car's engine hummed to life. I was in love, somewhere in my head the thought - _you fall too fast_, registered, but for this car I would make an exception. I slipped her into gear as Jasper grabbed my arm through the window.

"Hey - good luck Edward."

"Thanks, see you in a few days?"

"See ya."

I watched Jasper shrink away in my rearview mirror, the highway rolling quickly under my tires. Turning the stereo on, I glanced down at the small piece of paper on the passenger seat. Jasper had already entered everything into my GPS, but something made me keep that piece of paper. It was a token, of trust and hope, from two women who meant more than anything to Bella. If I had them on my side I felt I had a better chance with Bella.

I picked up the paper and squinted at the scrolling letters, Alice had happy handwriting; the letters rolling into each other nicely. Only two words on the paper made me tremor slightly with nerves.

Charlie Swan.

Charlie Swan, Bella's father. Charlie Swan, Bella's father - _the cop_.

Rubbing my hand over my face, I let the paper fall back into the seat. I couldn't even begin to worry about that, I would deal with it when I got there. It took me less than an hour to get to the 101, and I knew I still had a good two hours left to go. The sun was hanging low in the sky, and my stomach rumbled against its emptiness.

I stopped for a quick bite to eat, settling for a drive through, and inhaling the food. Once I was back on the road, I turned off the radio and listened to the wind against the windows. The sound was oddly soothing as I thought about what I might say to Bella.

_I am an idiot, and I shouldn't have done that. I am so sorry, please forgive me. _That seemed appropriate, but too easy. Alice said she was stubborn, she'd most likely accept my apology, but that didn't mean she would want to ever see me again after that.

Clearing my mind, I tried not to over think it. Whatever I said, it needed to come from the heart. As long as I was honest with her, there wasn't much else I could do. The reality was that no matter what, the ball was in her court. My heart ached at the possibility that my attempts might be futile.

With the quiet of the car, the setting sun shading the sky muted blues and purples, and the wind whispering against the windows the melody of that new song filtered into my subconscious. Only this time, there were words that came too. Not a whole song, only phrases. A paragraph really, and it was perfect. It said everything I wanted to say to Bella.

I pulled off to the side of the road, grabbing the torn piece of paper, and flipped it over, furiously writing down the words as they came. This is what I needed to say to Bella. She needed to hear those words. I grinned down at the paper, the emotion inside of me palpable in the atmosphere. It was more than from the heart, I was bearing my soul.

Righting my car back onto the road, I glanced at the clock, pavement moving beneath the tires again. Less than an hour to go.

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**A/N: I must apologize to some of you who reviewed last chapter and answered my question only to receive a big fat nothing. I posted this on my blog (so sign up for post updates!), but I got caught up in finishing a o/s I wrote for Fandom For Preemies. There is a teaser here: www(dot)buff82-fanfictio(dot)blogspot(dot)com , as well as a link to Fandom For Preemies where you can find more information on the cause. Please go and check it out and help support this worthy effort!**

**So a big I'M SO SORRY to the few of you who did respond, I promise you a teaser for next chapter - free of charge! :D As ever, thank you for reading, and let me know what you think! [[REVIEW!]]**

**xo Buff **


	12. 11 Emancipate Urself From Mental Slavery

**A/N: Katbug86 beta'd as always, thanks bb. : )**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all characters belong to SMeyer.**

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Chapter 11

Emancipate Yourselves From Mental Slavery

BPOV

A car honked causing me to jolt the wheel back to the right - I had crossed over into the lane next to me again. I wiped irritably at my eyes, swiping away the tears that seemed endless; anger consumed me. Deep down I was a reasonable person though, and I knew Edward hadn't done anything purposefully. And really? How could he have known? Which was why I think I was actually so mad; more with myself than anyone else.

But I had reacted, and it felt right. It felt like the natural course for me to abandon the situation. It was a stinging bout of reality, and I think it was for the best. If I couldn't even bring myself to explain something so simple, as the fact that I don't like pressure, to Edward then it was best for both of us that I left.

But why did it have to happen then? When we only had one day left together. I was also acutely aware that the longer I drove, the more the tears were less angry and more from mourning. I felt the loss, but I didn't want to admit it.

I pulled off the road at a rest stop to clear my head and grab some shitty food from a vending machine. The breakfast I'd eaten at the hotel, the food I had stuffed myself with gladly, had held me over for a while. Now that it was almost evening and my body wanted more food, the grumbling of my stomach was mocking me. _Where's your breakfast in bed now?_

Whatever. I couldn't think about that. It was over, it was nice while it lasted, but what's done was done. Leaning against the driver side door of my rental car, I stared across the parking lot at the freeway. My teeth sunk into a snickers bar, caramel and chocolate filling my mouth. When I tasted salty tears along with the nougat I groaned, wiping my eyes with my free hand. _I fucking hate crying._

Cars sped by, the sky graying as evening crept in. The air was bitter cold, freezing the tip of my nose. I drew my jacket tighter around my body, wiping my runny nose on its sleeve, and tossing the candy wrapper in the trash.

Pulling out my phone as I got back into my car, I called Charlie to let him know I was on my way.

"Hey Dad," I said when he answered, sticking my diet coke in the drink holder and cranking the heat up all the way.

"Bells, what's up honey?"

"I just wanted to let you know I was coming home now."

"Oh, okay, wonderful. But I thought you wouldn't be coming home until tomorrow?"

"Yeah, well, I got bored," I sneered.

"See you soon Bella." He hung up the phone, and I knew Charlie was fully aware of my mood. I had no reason to talk to him like that, but I didn't really care, I was just angry. And Charlie had dealt with enough angry Bella in the past to know when to push and when to let it go.

The trees lining the highway looked hazy in the drab light of dusk. Despite needing the heat on, I cracked my window, breathing in the icy air. The wind whipped my hair around, dark tendrils curling back against my cheek; the hair stuck to its still wet surface, and I peeled it away. When my fingers touched the cool skin, I thought of the light freckles that peppered Edward's cheeks, barely visible, but still there, just like mine. What had he called them? Angel kisses. Maybe for him, I didn't think that description fit me.

_No, stop that, stop thinking about him_. My subconscious broke through, sounding like my mother. That happened sometimes, I wasn't sure if it was from years of her corrections or if it was a guilt thing. Nevertheless, it caused me to pause whenever it happened.

Popping the lid on my soda, I took a big gulp. I needed to just stop thinking all together. I was in a dangerous place mentally, and nothing good would come of it. Mindlessly, I began counting blue cars. I had less than thirty minutes before I'd be to my dad's. _There are a lot of blue cars. Not many reds. Eight miles._

I didn't have far to go. Headlights from passing cars washed across my windshield. A dot of rain plopped in a fat circle - first one, than two, then five, then dozens as the sky opened up. As I drove, the rain drops grew thicker, denser, until snow fell from the sky.

"_Bella, you need to let the music flow through you. Feel it, don't just play it."_

"_Okay mom."_

"_I know you can be amazing Bella, you just need to practice hard if you are going to place first in this competition. What will set you apart is not that you know the material and the functionality of how to play it. But that you experience the music, that it becomes a part of you - that it comes from here." My mother's finger pokes my tiny chest above my heart. "That's how you'll win. Now, try it again."_

"_Mom? When I'm done can I go outside and play?"_

"_Oh, no dear, you have a lot of work to do. Your voice coach should be here any minute, and then I want you to practice the guitar for an hour. No playing outside, this is more important than some silly snow."_

_My little heart sank; I could hear the kids outside running across our yard. They probably had forts, and sled trails, and snowmen. I'd never built a snowman before._

Shaking my head free of that memory, my body trembled with pent up emotion. "Stop fucking thinking," I ordered myself aloud, but another memory came all too quickly. It was of Edward, the first night we spent time together. We'd talked for hours about random, trivial things.

"_You mean to tell me you grew up in the Olympic Peninsula, and you have never built a snowman?"_

"_No…" I felt silly, I shouldn't have said anything, but he had such a hilarious story about Emmett and a snowman that it just slipped out while I was laughing._

_Edward grinned at me, patting my knee, "Don't worry, we'll fix that the first chance we get."_

_I beamed back, something about the idea of Edward and me making a snowman together making me giddy._

"_I still can't believe that," he chuckled, sipping his drink._

_I shrugged, "I guess I was too busy."_

"_Too busy? Bella, a girl as pretty as you should have the experience of building a snowman, it's like a rule of nature or something."_

"_You realize that made no sense or logic whatsoever?" I laughed._

"_Maybe I just wanted a way to tell you that I think you're pretty," he shrugged, a smile tugging at his lips._

No. No. . _A yellow car, that's different. Did they get a new highway exit sign for Forks? Two more miles. _

I stared at the green exit sign as I passed under.

"_I just don't understand Bella, we've worked so hard for this, and you're just going to throw it away?" My mother's grey eyes reminded me of a dreary sky, they were sad. She was sad. I couldn't look at her face anymore. _

"_If you've worked so hard at it, why don't you do it," I snapped at her._

"Stop it!" Another blaring horn drowns out my scream as I swerve into the right lane.

_Exit - thank God._

The road wound around a thick lining of trees, but I knew it well. Despite the snow that was falling in thick lumps, I sped down the road. It takes me less than ten minutes to reach my Dad's house. I parked along the street and slammed the car door shut before I ran through what had become a wall of snow.

"Bells, are you alright?" My father stopped me in the hallway between the kitchen and the living room.

"I'm fine," I sniffle. It is then that I realize tears are trailing down my face again, and my nose is a runny mess. Scrubbing frosty fingers under my nose and swiping at my tears, I puff out a frustrated breath of air. "Okay, I'm not fine - but please Dad, I don't want to talk about it," I pled desperately.

Charlie looked highly concerned, grabbing me, and pulling me into a tight hug. I didn't expect that action from him, so I was caught off guard, taking a minute before I allowed the sensation of his consoling to wash over me. It slammed into me like a violent wave, and I crumbled into his arms, sobbing and gasping for air.

He helped me up to my room, tucking me under my covers without asking another question. That was the best thing about my dad - he didn't hover.

_Something has to give_, I thought between sobs. I knew whatever was going on with me had a lot to do with my mother and little to do with Edward. I needed to face some shit, but I didn't have the first clue where to start. Then it occurred to me, the one thing I'd never done - I had to do it.

I jumped up from my bed and found paper in a drawer of my old desk, writing out all I had in me to write. After searching through the entire contents of my desk, I finally found an envelope. Just before folding the paper, I thought of something else; I flipped it over and scribbled out something that had been in my head far too long. I had it memorized, but I'd never put it on paper before. I folded the letter and shoved it into the envelope. Exhausted from crying, I drug myself back to my bed, collapsing into it, holding tight to my words.

Sometime during my sniveling I passed out. It was a dead sleep, no dreams, no sounds, just unconsciousness. It was exactly what I needed. I awoke sometime later to my dad knocking at my bedroom door. I felt disoriented, sitting up and rubbing my hand over my face. Sticking to my cheek with dried snot was a clump of my hair, I groaned peeling it away. _Disgusting._

"Bella, you awake honey?" Charlie's voice came softly from behind my door. I frowned at my window, it was still dark out. I didn't have the first clue why he was waking me up.

"Yeah," I rasped, my voice cracking from being dry.

"Could you come downstairs please?"

I must have been dreaming, or just very disoriented, nothing was making sense. "Uh, ok…"

I felt slightly better after having slept for a while, and Charlie had not pried when I broke down, so I at least owed him some sort of explanation. When I stepped out of bed, envelope secure in my hand, the floor creaked beneath my foot in a familiar spot. It reminded me of when I was a child, and I had memorized every creak in our floors so I could sneak downstairs at night and watch TV.

My face felt crusty, I needed to scrub this shit off of it. I trudged into the bathroom, squinting against the light as I flicked it on. The sight I saw in the mirror looked more like something you'd see at Halloween, not Christmas time. I looked terrible, but I felt just as bad, so I shrugged it off and washed my face with hot water and the bar soap that sat on the sink. Red and blotchy skin was the end result, but I didn't care, at least I wasn't crusty anymore.

I felt sluggish, my limbs hanging from my body like they weighed too much. At the bottom of the steps I could see the back of my dad's head in its normal spot from behind his easy chair. He was watching some football game, the man could find some type of sporting event to watch on television anytime, any day - it was amazing. I carried my letter with me, debating whether or not to tell Charlie about it.

"What's up Dad?" I asked as I rounded the corner. I froze, my body going ice cold when my eyes landed on the figure rising from our couch. Adrenaline scorched through my veins, my heart hammering against my ribs. My legs twitched like I was going to make a break for it, but I couldn't move.

"Edward," I breathed, my voice cracking again, only not from dryness. The thin paper of the envelope crinkled between my fingers.

"Bella," he said tentatively, eyes flitting to my fingers. He looked lost, he looked like there were a million things on the tip of his tongue, but they were stopping up his mouth, keeping him from actually speaking.

I glanced down at my father, who was watching me carefully. I knew what I normally would have done, I would have screamed at him for letting Edward in, I would have thrown a fit, stomping back up the stairs and slamming my door for good measure. But I didn't do that, I didn't have the energy. The truth was, seeing Edward made me feel completely drained. I didn't know what I wanted, or what was best. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.

Shoving my free hand deep into my jean pocket, I shook my head lightly, dropping my gaze away from Charlie. My silence, and lack of action must have spurred him; he was most likely expecting exploding Bella, but when I said nothing he cleared his throat.

"Um, Bella? I know it's none of my business, but Edward here came to talk to you, and I think you should hear him out. Alice said -"

"Alice?" I asked incredulously. "You spoke with her about Edward?"

"Not really. She told me you two had really hit it off and that he seemed like a very nice young man. Edward did fill me in on what happened at the record company, and, like I said, it's not my business, but if you did ask me, I'd say he's got some guts coming after you. I think he deserves your attention." He finished with a half-hearted shrug before turning back to the television. I gapped at him for a moment before looking back to Edward who had been silent the whole time.

Our eyes locked and his green irises were dim, sad. He looked a nervous wreck, his hands picking at his jeans. "Bella," he finally spoke. "I want to respect your wishes, but I couldn't leave things the way we did, can we please talk?"

His forehead crinkled as he spoke, his voice trembled. I felt like a horrible monster, he was so sweet, and I was horrible.

"Sure," I replied, trying to keep my own voice even. I had been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster earlier, and I knew I was fragile - it wouldn't take much to break me down at this point.

I went to the front door and slipped my winter coat on, shoving the letter into its side pocket. I quickly grabbed a pair of old boots from the closet. "We can go out here," I said, going through the kitchen and out the back door, I was surprised to step into a good six inches of snow. Without thinking, I whipped around to face Edward. "How long have you been here?"

"Um, I think it's been about eight hours," he said, sinking back away from me.

_Eight hours?_ "You sat with Charlie that long?"

He shrugged, "Your father said you were really upset. I thought it was best if you slept…. I would have waited all night, but he insisted he wake you."

"Oh," I replied, turning on my heel. I walked toward the line of trees at the edge of our yard. There was a large, old oak tree right at the front where Charlie hung a tire swing when I was little. I rarely got to use it. Hooking my body into the swing, it moved softly with my weight, my heels dragging in the snow leaving two short trails.

The sky above us was black, but no more snow was falling. I searched the wide expanse trying to find one star through the clouds.

"Bella, I know you don't want to hear anything I have to say," he said after a moment. He looked like he might cry, his cheeks flushed, eyes watery, but that could have been the cold. "So… here…"

He shoved a torn and crumpled piece of paper into my hand. I glanced down at it, recognizing Alice's handwriting immediately. Normally I would have wanted to throttle her, but again, I felt more empty than anything. "My Dad's address?"

"What? Oh, no," he reached over, flipping the paper. "That," he said, taking a step back like it might explode.

I looked down at the tiny words. Edward had neat handwriting, small even lines. I squinted at the paper, reading it slowly.

_You are my heart, traveling this world outside my body. _

_To be without you is quiet and barren. _

_Wandering with no metered time, aimlessly. _

_To be with you is to feel my life's beat steady and strong, a rhythmic metronome, playing my life's song. _

_You keep me moving, you give me purpose, my beat, my heart, my love. _

"What is this?" I whispered, forcing the air through my lungs. My stomach was clenched in a tight ball; my hands had begun to shake.

"It's the truth."

I looked at Edward through watery eyes. "The truth?"

"Yeah," he replied, kneeling in front of me. I looked down at his jeans thinking he must be freezing kneeling in the snow. "I could tell you that I'm sorry. I could tell you how big an idiot I was, but I think those things go without saying. Because I was thinking about it, and most normal people would have been upset to have a huge meeting like that sprung on them."

His fingers curled around my hands, his words trapped safely within. "But that - that is what I _needed_ to tell you. It's how I feel, and I know it might be crazy, but it is the truth. I love you Bella."

All of the air left my lungs. My heart felt strange, I couldn't tell if it had plummeted or soared, but the sensation was almost painful. "Edward -"

"Wait, before you say anything, please, just listen. I know that there are things that I don't know about you, but I've decided I don't care."

"You don't care?" I repeated, my voice flat as I stared past his face at the white blanket covering the yard.

His hand moved to cup my cheek, pulling my focus back to him. "No, Bella, I don't." His green eyes, more vibrant than before, penetrated mine. "You and I, we have this connection that I cannot ignore. I've never _needed_ anyone in my life, but when you left I felt like you took a vital piece of me with you. But it was before that - I could feel it before that happened. I feel fuller with you Bella, complete. And I know you feel it too, and I think it scares the shit out of you - which is why you ran away from me."

I shook my head lightly against his palm. He was right, but I didn't want him to be. A tear slid down my cheek, hooking along his thumb. "Don't," I whispered, barely able to speak.

He leaned in, lips brushing against mine. "Tell me I'm wrong Bella. Tell me to leave and I will get in my car and drive away, but _you_ have to tell me."

I could feel his warm breath against my skin, his lips so close. But more importantly, he was there, I wanted nothing more than for him to wrap me safely into his arms. How do you fight something that is such a visceral need?

"I can't," I whimpered against him, another tear spilling down my face.

Edward's lips crushed against mine. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck and held him tightly to me. "I'm sorry," I cried softly.

He pulled away, brushing hair out of my eyes and wiping tears off my cheeks. "It's okay, shhhh," he reassured me, planting gentle kisses along my temple.

We held each other until we couldn't stand the cold any longer. Slowly, we made our way back inside, Charlie had mysteriously disappeared, and there was a fire going in the fireplace. I narrowed my eyes at the flames licking against the brick and wood. _Since when did Charlie become cupid?_ I wondered, but couldn't help smiling.

"Hey, Bella, I'm going to bed," Charlie called down from the top of the stairs, making me jump.

"Ah, okay dad, thanks."

"Listen, there's hot chocolate on the stove, don't let it burn up okay?"

"Sure thing Dad, night," I called back, peering around the corner and watching his feet turn and walk down the hallway to his room.

I looked back at Edward who was watching me with a small smile. He looked tired; it had been a very long, very emotional day. "Would you like some hot chocolate, or do you want to just go to bed?"

"Honestly? As tired as I feel, I doubt I could fall asleep. Hot chocolate sounds nice."

"Okay," I replied, going to the kitchen and retrieving two mugs of steaming hot chocolate. Edward was settled on the couch when I returned. He took the mug from me, cradling it in his hands. "Thanks, this smells really good."

"It's delicious, my Dad always makes his own hot chocolate, he's above store bought powder," I said poking my nose into the air arrogantly. Edward chuckled, sipping the steaming drink.

"Well, I can see why, this is really good."

"So, tell me something," I said out of nowhere, having the sudden urge to find out everything I could about Edward -_ what a hypocrite_.

He looked at me curiously, "Like…?"

"Anything, your family, what are you doing for Christmas?"

"Well, we usually spend it at my Aunt and Uncle's like I told you. Jasper and Emmett usually join us. Jasper's parents live in Europe, and Emmett lived in and out of foster homes until he was eighteen so he doesn't really have a family."

"That's so sad," I replied.

Edward shrugged, "Yeah, it is. But he'll tell you that it's made him the man he is today."

I nodded, and the room grew quiet. The only sound was the crackling of the wood as the fire burned through it.

"The reason Esme calls my freckles angel kisses is because of my mother," Edward said, breaking the silence. "I didn't have them when I was little, but then the summer after my mother passed away I started getting them. When I asked Esme what they were she told me they were angel kisses from my mother. So whenever I notice them I think of her," he finished softly, and I was speechless.

That was the first time Edward confirmed what I suspected, that his mother was not alive. On top of that revelation, that was about the saddest yet sweetest story I had ever heard. Angel kisses took on a whole new meaning then just the simple connotation. I leaned in, kissing his skin just under his eye, right along a grouping of freckles - invisible in the dim light. "Angel kisses, I whispered. "I really like that."

He didn't speak, his gaze settling on the fire. I thought about his family, his broken life - he hadn't mentioned his father, his mother dying - I didn't even know how old he was. But there he sat, a wholly, solid individual. His Aunt and Uncle had done an amazing job.

"So … tomorrow's Christmas Eve, or today rather, what is it like four in the morning?" I rambled. "What, um, are you going back then?"

He took another sip of his hot chocolate, looking at me through his dark lashes as he did. Firelight showered the room in a warm orange glow, causing Edward's eyes to look twice as green as they normally did.

"I'm not sure what I want to do," he answered slowly. "I don't really want to leave you."

My breathing hitched, my heart doing that funny thing again. I resisted the urge to brace my hand against my chest. "Stay here," I mumbled, the words escaping me without permission.

"You … you wouldn't mind?"

I thought for a minute, desperately trying to at least attempt to think things through, but all I could think about was keeping him. "Not at all."

"Okay," he smiled.

"Okay," I repeated, taking a long pull from my own mug. The rich chocolate coated my tongue, warming me from the inside out.

The room fell silent again, and I snuggled into Edward's arm. We sat, content, drinking our homemade hot chocolate and watching the fire dim in the hearth.

Edward's nose found its way into my hair, and he sighed deeply. "Bella?"

"Hmm?" I hummed.

When he didn't respond I leaned forward, looking down at him. "What's wrong?" I asked. He glanced at me, and then back to the fire, a faraway look in his eyes.

Finally, his eyes met mine again, his expression sad, but there was something else there, something I didn't understand until he spoke. "I never knew my father and my mother passed away when I was eight," he said with the softest smile.

I was caught off guard, unsure what to say. I searched his face, and it was there in his eyes and his tone when he spoke that I saw not sorrow or anguish, but a man who had come to terms with the life he had been dealt. And a smile that sang of fond memories and a mother that he still cherished dearly. She may have passed away, but she was clearly still tucked away in his heart, and he seemed at peace with that.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," I finally replied, my fingers trailing to his hair, gently brushing wisps from his forehead.

"Thank you," he replied kindly. "It was a brain aneurysm, it was hard at first, but I never would have made it if it weren't for my Aunt and Uncle. I owe them a lot."

I suddenly felt guilty for even considering keeping him from his family for Christmas. "Edward… won't they miss you? I mean for Christmas."

He brushed it off with a wave of his hand, taking a big gulp from his mug. "It'll be fine, I've missed Christmases before."

Placing my empty mug on the coffee table, I snuggled back into his arms. I was growing very sleepy, with a belly full of warm chocolate and the fire lulling me, my eyes grew heavy.

My hand moved on its own, rubbing light circles against Edward's chest. I took stalk of the day, dumbstruck by all he had done. All I had put him through, because what? I was a basket case? Taking a deep breath, I steeled my nerves for what I was about to do.

"Edward? … I, I won the lottery," I blurted, forcing the words out. My heart hammered against my chest like a jack knife. My hands started to tingle, and I flexed my fingers trying to stop it.

"The lottery?" He questioned.

"Four years ago, I was a sophomore in college. Rose, Alice, and I had a ritual everyday to go to a convince mart that was on campus and get magazines and junk food, and we'd always buy two lottery tickets each. Then we'd go home, unwind, and gush about what we would do with the money." I didn't breathe once through my entire rant, trying to just get it out.

"Bella, congratulations, that's great. So you made a charity from your winnings?" He asked in disbelief. "That's amazing Bella, I don't know anyone who would be so selfless."

I shook my head feverishly. "No, I'm not selfless, not in the slightest," my voice was shaking, and I couldn't look at him, my eyes fixed on the floor.

"That's not what it sounds like to me."

"I didn't start doing what I'm doing now until about a year and a half ago," I sighed, finally looking at him, and I felt traitor tears on my cheeks again. _I am so fucking sick of crying._

"Why are you so sad, Bella? What you're doing is wonderful, whether you started four years ago or four days ago."

"I appreciate that Edward, really, but if you knew the whole story you wouldn't think so highly of me." I said, dropping my head into my hands.

He laughed, striking a nerve deeply. _He didn't get it. _I glared at him, irritation taking hold.

"Bella, honestly, I don't know what could be so bad. Is this what you were worried about telling me all this time?"

I shot up, irritation giving way to anger. My fists balled tightly at my sides. Edward looked like a deer caught in headlights, frozen.

"You don't know the half of it," I ground through my teeth.

"Bella, love, what are you talking about?" He floundered for words, his eyes searching the room for something that might help him.

It was unfair of me, and I knew it. I'd gone this far, and I just needed to tell him. But I couldn't, the words just would not come. So instead, I did the next best thing. Turning abruptly, I stomped from the room, slipping my feet back into my boots, and tugging on my coat.

"Where are you going?" He called after me.

Shoving my hands into my coat pockets, I gripped the envelope I'd left there tightly. "To show you," I replied, the wind stealing my words as I stepped outside.

* * *

**A/N: Sooooo… there a little 'splainin for you, more to come… Please review! Thanks lovelies : )**

**xo Buff**


	13. 12 From A Bottomeless Pit

**A/N: Katbug86 is my beta queen and she rules fairly over all the land of grammerdom. (she may have to enforce corporal punishment on me one of these days for my suckage at following the rulz.) Thanks love.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all respective characters belong to SMeyer**

Chapter 12

From A Bottomless Pit

* * *

EPOV

The snow had begun to fall again. The early morning quiet that was always so eerie made it easy to hear the flakes land mushily to the ground. I followed Bella's purple hat to her car. She didn't wait for me to get in before starting the engine.

My mind tried furiously to play catch up to no avail. I had thought, just for one second, that her 'horrible past' could have been something so simple - a misunderstanding, a skewed point of view. But my indifferent attitude had obviously upset her.

My shoes crunched into the snow, and I shoved my hands deeper into my coat pockets. Steam billowed out in front of me with every breath that I took, my heart beating rapidly. I slid into the car next to Bella, but before I could even look at her she ripped it away from the curb. Glancing in her direction, I braced my hand against the door while my free hand quickly clicked my seatbelt into place.

I swallowed hard, clenching my teeth together to keep from saying something about how fast she was driving. There was a good amount of snow on the roads, despite the fact it had obviously been plowed at some point during the night. _Just keep your mouth shut Cullen._

White was everywhere, falling from the sky, covering buildings and cars. If I were in different circumstances I would have been able to appreciate how beautiful that sleepy little town looked in a blanket of snow.

It didn't take long before Bella skidded into a church parking lot, slamming on the brakes and narrowly missing a tree at the edge of the lot. My heart stopped when she ripped the wheel, and the car slid sideways, my eyes clenching tightly shut.

Breathing in and out slowly, I waited for my heart to slow before I tried to pry my fingers from my seat. I had heard her car door open and Bella get out, but I could barely move, so I focused on clearing my head before I opened my eyes.

There was a small church across the lot, a tiny white building with a classic steeple and wide double front doors. It was completely dark inside, and there was no sign that Bella had gone in. I sighed, and climbed out of the car, staring across the parking lot until I found small foot prints leading from the car into the dark area behind the church.

I followed the foot prints, noticing how they drug slightly through the snow. Once I was able to make out what was behind the church, I hesitated. The land slopped upward, a few trees scattered throughout, and a vast sea of headstones in between those. It was a cemetery. There were three or four lamp posts positioned through the grounds, but they were covered with snow, which spread a ghostly white glow about the cemetery.

My stomach sank when I looked around, but could not find Bella. I prayed she hadn't walked off into the woods. But something I was dreading more was that this was what she had come here to show me.

Through my time with Bella, and what I did know about her, I was pretty sure her mother had passed away, and that it was most likely cancer. It was the only thing that added up, but what I could not reconcile was how Bella felt guilty, or what part she played in it.

Moving slowly through the headstones, movement caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I turned and looked up a smaller hill. There, under the pale light filtering through a short lamp post, was Bella.

My heart squeezed painfully in my chest when I took in her fragile form, knees buried in the snow, shoulders limp, as she stared numbly at the headstone in front of her. Moving

quietly, I stopped a few feet away, and I was ripped apart by what I saw. Her eyes were vacant, her fingers curled around the same envelope I saw her with when she first came downstairs. Her shoulders lifted softly up and down with every breath. I couldn't speak; I didn't have a clue where to begin. I couldn't help but feel like I was navigating a mine field, I was terrified of setting off a bomb.

"I've never been here before," she finally spoke. I knelt down next to her, the snow immediately seeping through my jeans, my muscles protested against the cold, but I ignored them.

"Not even for the funeral," she continues, her tone as empty as her face.

I glanced sideways at the headstone, confirming my assumptions. _Renee Dwyer Swan. _That news confirmed, on top of the knowledge that Bella had never been to her own mother's grave, made me yearn to hold her, to reach out and pull her against me. But I knew that's not what she needed, so I prepared to sit with her as long as she desired. I turned my face down, watching her fingers wrench tighter and tighter against the thin paper in her hands.

Bella's face shot up suddenly, her eyes focusing on my face as I met her gaze. Her eyes had gone wild, every emotion from fury to fear flickering in and out. "This is why I am not a good person," she spits, and I flinched when she stood abruptly. Shoving her letter into my hands, she storms away and I am left to silent confusion again.

Turning the envelope over in my hands I saw that it wasn't addressed to anyone. With shaking hands, I pulled the paper out of the envelope, surprised to see only a few words written.

_Renee … Mom, _

_I know what I should be writing. It should be elegant and well thought out, and heart felt. But … I'm just not there yet. I'm not that girl yet, I wish I were, but … I guess I fail yet again._

_Bella_

I read her words over and over, cycling them through my brain. It still supplied me with no answers, and I was growing frustrated. Somewhere inside, I knew she was not intentionally leading me around as a game, but it was still frustrating.

"Bella?" I called quietly and looked up, but she was gone. Groaning, I folded the letter, stopping when I noticed writing on the other side. I flipped it over quickly and read what appeared to be lyrics. Bella had written her mother a song…

_You were there for me._

_Pushing me._

_Supporting me._

_I took for granted the ease of our life._

_The sparkle in your eye._

_But you pushed too hard - and I fell away_

_The noise was too loud_

_The need was too great_

_It was all too much for me_

_I was too weak_

_And I lost you_

_I lost you._

_I made my own way_

_Against what you thought_

_I forgot you_

_I disgraced you_

_You wanted things that I did not_

_I let you down_

_The noise was too loud _

_The need was too great_

_It was all too much for me_

_I was too weak _

_And I lost you_

_I lost you._

_Time sailed by as I swam through my haze of independence_

_Being my own - selfish and uncaring_

_Flashes of you, things I once knew_

_I wanted it back_

_But it was too late_

_I was too late_

_The noise was too loud _

_The need was too great_

_It was all too much for me_

_I was too weak_

_And I lost _

_I lost you_

_In a darkened room_

_Absent of your light_

_I pay my penance_

_Seek peace from my minds rage_

_Mending my soul_

_But time moves on_

_My life is without you_

_And I find no solace in my efforts_

_The noise was too loud_

_The need was too great _

_It was all too much for me_

_I was too weak_

_And I lost you_

_I lost you._

_I need a release_

_This pain is too much_

_It tears at me from the inside_

_I need you_

_Redeem me_

_Grant me forgiveness _

_Because I lost you … Redeem me_

I stood, brushing snow from my jeans, and placed the letter back in the envelope. Laying it gently in front of Renee's grave, I touched the headstone lightly. Walking back through the graveyard, my mind was oddly clear. I made it back to the car, finding Bella inside. She had crumbled into the driver's seat, door still open, legs hanging out, dangling into the snow. I stopped in front of her, kneeling down and placing my hand on her shoulder which was shaking lightly.

"Bella?" I spoke softly. She grunted lightly and attempted to lift her head, but failed. "Hey, look at me." I pulled her chin up with my fingers, finding her eyes, tears streaming down her face.

"I - I…" She began, but words seemed to fail her.

"Shhhh, it's okay." I pulled her against me, sitting us both in snow. She let out a shuddering sob against my shoulder. I could only hold her tighter.

"No, no, it's not okay. I killed her," she wept. "It was my fault, I killed my own mother!"

Pulling her hat off, I ran my fingers through her hair, trying to soothe her the best I could. "How Bella? How?" I whispered against her.

She sucked in a shaky breath, rubbing her hand under nose. "Can we, can we go home, and I'll tell you everything?" she whimpered. I didn't respond, lifting her up and carrying her around to the passenger side, setting her in the seat.

I drove in silence, paying attention while Bella pointed me down the correct streets. Her crying never stopped, but by the time we pulled up to her father's house she was only sniffling lightly. She looked completely drained, stooped in her seat - staring out the windshield. I walked around to her side, bringing her into my arms. Slowly, I took her up to her room, peeling off her soaking wet jacket and jeans.

I removed my own wet clothing, ending up in my undershirt and boxers. Climbing into her bed, I pulled her against my stomach, the back of her head laying on my shoulder. I thought it would be easier for her to talk if she wasn't looking at me. I didn't ask her to begin, just sat and waited, running my hands through her hair. Her breathing eventually evened out, and she sighed lightly, relaxing against me.

"My mother loved that I was musically talented, I've told you a bit about that…" she trailed. "As I got older I decided I didn't want to do it for the same reasons she did, so I tried to back away from it, refusing to play in competitions. This always made her so angry; she thought it was a waste." Bella shook her head lightly at a memory.

"Anyway, by the time I was ready to graduate high school, I couldn't wait to leave. Not that I didn't love my mother, I did, but she had become unbearable. It was almost like she was losing her mind because ultimately she couldn't control what I did with my life - where I went to school. She wanted me to attend Julliard, '_Do something with what God gave you,' _she would say. But I didn't want that, who knows - maybe if she didn't push so hard I would have, I know I'm stubborn, but I chose a completely different path for myself. I ended up at UCLA, and I was in love. It was everything I never got to experience - _life_. I had spent most of my youth holed up practicing, I rarely got to do anything fun, and for once I was free." Her hand trailed to my left hand which was laying atop the covers. She swirled her fingers in tiny circles as she spoke.

"Although our relationship was strained I tried, I really did. I would send her emails telling her about school, and she would respond telling me about various competitions that were being held, and how the people I used to compete with were doing. How Hannah Brooks was excelling at Julliard and may even have landed a recording deal," she sneered, catching herself and running her hand across her face.

"Hannah was this girl I was always in very close competition with, most of the times if I didn't get first place, Hannah did," she explained sadly.

"It did nothing but anger me and make me happy that I hadn't even attempted to play anything in so long. It was all to spite her, but I didn't care, she only fortified me with her constant pushing. Then, right before we were leaving for Christmas break, she called me to tell me there was a small show being held at our local mall, and she had signed me up. I was livid. I ended up staying at school for break. I spent most of my time crying and feeling completely shitty."

"Bella, that's horrible," I blurted. I was trying so hard not to interject, but my heart was swimming in sorrow for her, I wanted to take away her pain so badly.

She shrugged, "I guess. I didn't speak with my mother for the rest of the school year. It wasn't until the summer, when I was saying goodbye to the girls, that Alice convinced me to go see her. I knew she was right, so I gave in. To my surprise, I ended up having a very nice few weeks with her. She barely spoke about my music; she just seemed content, peaceful. I should have known then that something was very wrong.

My following school year I had taken on a heavy class load, and I wasn't able to focus on much more. I spent that Christmas with my Dad, and I emailed a few times with Renee. I won the lottery towards the end of the year and was planning on surprising my parents with it when I visited them both for the summer." Bella squirmed a bit, glancing at me over her shoulder, gauging my expression.

"Just before school was done my sophomore year, I was called to the student's records office. The secretary there informed me that if I wanted my records transferred in time for the new school year I was going to have to fill out the release form that day. I had no clue what she was talking about, and that came as a big surprise to her. She informed me that I was set to transfer to Julliard in the fall. I saw red. I knew then exactly what had happened, and I was murderously angry."

Bella's words sent a shiver down my spine, her voice ice cold. She noticed, because she paused a moment before continuing.

"Renee had put in an application to Julliard without my knowledge, and she informed UCLA of the transfer, and that I would not be returning in the fall. I was dumbfounded that after two years she would stoop so low. Luckily, I was able to correct UCLA's admissions office in time to still have a spot for my junior year. I said my goodbyes to the girls, they were gushing about their summer plans so they didn't really notice my demeanor. Alice was traveling through Europe for the summer, and Rose was going with her family on some crazy vacation they took every other year. I couldn't dampen their spirits, so I forced myself to smile and tell them goodbye.

"I was supposed to fly home to my Dad's first, and then go see my mother. I made it to the transit station, and I just remember sitting there - seething. I couldn't see going anywhere. If I went to my Dad's and told him what happened he would only get angry himself, and then he'd try and talk me down after he got over it. I couldn't listen to him justify anything that my mother had done. I most definitely couldn't go to my mother. So, without thinking, I bought a bus ticket and got on it. I had no clue where it was going or what I would do. All I knew was that I had a suitcase, plenty of money, and no where I wanted to be." Bella stopped, dropping her head to her hand.

"It's okay if you want to stop," I whispered in her ear, praying she would keep going.

"No, it's fine," she muttered, scrubbing her hands against her face. "Long story short, I met some people at a diner that must have sensed that I was in need of a pick me up. I ended up getting high with them in the bathroom, and after that I tagged along with them wherever they went."

Her mention of drugs caught me off guard - that was something I was not expecting.

"They were drifters, going from town to town, and it was just what I needed - or so I thought. After a few weeks smoking pot wasn't enough anymore, and I didn't think twice about shooting up with them when they offered it. That ended up being the escape I was looking for, it took everything away. The anger, the hurt, the frustration - everything. I almost felt like I was at peace. I spent the summer in a drug induced haze; I honestly can't remember most of it.

"It wasn't until I found myself here, in Forks with these people I barely knew, that I realized I hadn't spoken to anyone since before I left school. My dad had been expecting me back in June, and by that time it was early August and they hadn't heard anything. During one of my more lucid moments, I decided my father didn't deserve that because he had never done anything but support what I wanted. So I hitched a ride and found him at home." Her eyes flicked to mine but she continued.

"I should have realized that it was odd for him to be home in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day. But fuck if I even knew what day it was, so it didn't hit me at first. His face though, when he saw me, it shot a sobering jolt through me, and I began to realize myself. I was showing up high, on my father's doorstep, completely disheveled. His face was a gale of different emotions, sadness, relief, horror - I wanted to shrink away into the mud, I was mortified.

But then he pulled me into the tightest hug he'd ever given me, and I knew there was something more. Charlie, Charlie's not the emotion type. I demanded he tell me, and that's when I found out Renee had passed away. He told me she had been sick for some time, but didn't want to scare me. Her actions for trying to get me into Julliard suddenly made sense. It was her last ditch effort before she passed away. Apparently my father had been trying to find me for weeks … so that … so that I could say goodbye," her words were barely audible, her body shaking in my arms.

"I screamed at him, to tell me why - why she didn't seek help. He told me she did, she went to the best doctors she could afford, but the medicine that may have saved her was highly experimental, and much too expensive for any of them to afford," she stopped again, a single tear slipping down her cheek. I was putting the pieces together in my head as she spoke, my lungs burning against the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"I will never forget the way that felt to know in that moment that I killed her," she said barely audible.

"Bella, you didn't-" she cut me off with a murderous glare as she whipped her head around to face me.

"Don't. Don't you _dare_ tell me that. _I_ had the money. _I_ could have saved her. _I_ was selfish, and careless, and a fucking brat. It is _my_ fault that she's dead." Her jaw set sternly as she narrowed her eyes at me. "I went to the doctors afterward, once I was able to muster the strength, and I asked them what the percentages of her survival would have been if she had gotten those drugs. Do you know what they were?" She spit at me. I shook my head sadly.

"Her chances would have gone from four percent to _eighty_ percent. _Eighty percent _Edward. I did that, I took away her chance by not being there. Me. My Fault!" She screamed.

Pressing her head into my chest I shushed her, hugging her as firmly as I could without crushing her. "Bella, please, shhhhh …."

She was sobbing silently against me, my insides wrenching for this poor girl. "Tell me what you need," I mumbled out of desperation. I could barely stand it; I needed to make it stop. But I knew there was nothing to say, nothing I could do, so I held on tight, rocking her lightly and placing soft kisses in her hair.

I had no clue how long we sat like that, her releasing everything on me, purging herself, but at some point Bella passed out. I didn't let her go, holding tighter still, noticing the yellow hue that had begun to illuminate the whiteness outside. The sun was rising, and I was completely exhausted.

I glanced down at the girl in my arms, so fragile, much more so than I had thought. She put up a good front. I felt hollow, drained from her story, and if I felt that way I could only imagine how she was feeling. I wondered about her and how she coped; did she still do drugs? She hadn't mentioned a recovery, but she also didn't show any signs of using.

I allowed my eyes to fall closed, relinquishing to the darkness I found there. _Bella is not a killer_, I affirm sleepily in my head. _She needs to know this, I will make her see_._ I will. _Determination filled me as I drifted into unconsciousness. Bella wanted redemption, and I would find it for her. There were still things I needed to know, but of one thing I was sure - I felt no less for her. She may have been shattered inside, but I was still falling for her - every little piece.

**A/N: What the fuck was that? Answers? Holy crap, I can't believe I finally got this out there *wipes brow*. I am very anxious to hear opinions on this, so as every - please review! xo Buff**


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N: Katbug86 puts up with this hot mess and me, she is my beta queen.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight; all of its respective characters belong to SMeyer.**

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Chapter Thirteen

BPOV

My body stirred before my mind surfaced fully. Heavy limbs attempted to stretch on their own accord, only I couldn't move, something had me wrapped too tight. Becoming more aware of my confined position, my mind finally caught up to my body, and I tried to pry open my eyes. I could feel my lids press into my brow line, puffy and raw. The sting of the air against the sensitive skin made me shut them immediately.

Slowly, it all came back to me, the realization of my soul bearing stint last night flooding me. I had actually done that. _Shit. _I was a mess of uncertainty; I didn't know what to make of my emotions. Last night I had reached a pinnacle with Edward - a tipping point, I had to fall one way, and now I would have to deal with the consequences of that fall. He knew everything.

I was a bit shocked that he laid there with me, arm wrapped around my waist tightly. Maybe he just wanted to make sure I didn't run away again so he could tell me exactly what he thought of me. I swallowed hard against my dry throat, thinking of the other ground I'd broken last night by visiting Renee's grave. Drawing in a shaky breath, I fought to keep the tears at bay. I couldn't be a blubbering mess again.

My eyes were not the only thing that felt raw this morning. I was skinned of my protective shelling, my whole being laid bare for Edward - for myself. I felt ugly and undeserving of the person cradling me. The urge to run burned in my legs. I contemplated an easy escape - a way out. I could go back to repressing the thoughts, wallowing in my guilt. I was good at that, comfortable there. Part of me was terrified of a resolution to my issues because I knew that road would be nothing less than agonizing.

Pushing lightly against Edward's arm, I was able to get a little bit of wiggle room, his arm loosening its grip. I slid out from under his slackened hold, tip toeing across the hall and into the bathroom. The door groaned loudly as I shut it, and I cringed. The tile floor was too cold against my feet so I hopped onto the thick bathroom rug, a shiver spindling through my body. A warm shower sounded divine. Avoiding my reflection, I jumped across the evil, icy tile and landed easily on the second rug in front of the shower.

Turning the knobs, I pulled my shirt over my head as the water whined up the pipes before it sputtered thickly from the spout. I wondered when the last time my Dad had the pipes checked was; they were probably on the brink of their demise. I made a mental note to hire a plumber before I left.

Despite the fact that I hardly ever visited my father, there was still my favorite shampoo and body wash stocked in the cabinet. I smiled at the welcoming bottles, he was a quiet one, that Charlie, but you should never under estimate him. I had come to learn that he was always there in the simplest of ways, which in the long run was what mattered most.

Rubbing the creamy soap into my tired, dry skin felt sinful. I was reminded of my time spent at home after I found out about Renee. I didn't want to leave my room, but Charlie was great - he didn't press the issue. He only made sure I was okay and then let me be. In some ways it was the best detox program I could have ever gone through. I stayed in my room, stared at the walls and tortured myself for days, battered my brain with scenarios of what-could-have-beens, and what-ifs.

The lingering physical need to shoot up was only an aid to my torment. More than anything, I felt I deserved the pain, the shaking body, the nausea. At times it was hard to tell exactly which was causing what - my withdrawal from the drugs, or my depression over my mother. But it didn't matter much, I knew I'd earned every last drop, so I submersed in it.

I truly believe I would have driven myself mad … if it weren't for Charlie. He came into my room on the fourth day and forced me out of bed. It was a delicate line he had walked, and he knew not to persist until I absolutely needed it. I was laughing, cackling is a more apt description. That was the last straw for him.

The pain and lack of food in my system were becoming unbearable. And then a thought occurred to me. I could remember the voice in my head clear as day. _You're dying_, it said. _Maybe this is how your mother felt_. And with that thought I lost it, any shred of reality I had meekly held onto slipped from my fingers, and I laughed at my pathetic state. "You deserve it," I ground between bitter gaffs. But then Charlie came storming in, ripped me up by the arm. "Enough!" He boomed, pulling me into the bathroom.

He wrench the shower on and glared at me in that stern fatherly way that used to make me fall in line so easily. The propensity was still there then, and I shrunk away instinctively. "Take a shower and then come down stairs," he had ordered evenly.

I had no choice but to obey. I stepped under the scolding hot stream and lathered this same body wash against my yellowed and sickly skin, hating myself that much more. I made a decision then - I would accept my life as it were. The pain would always be there, I would never forget, but it was the world I had created for myself. My father had always taught me; you make your bed - you lay in it. So I hung my head and resolved to do just that. I would pay my penance. Only it took me years to figure out exactly what that penance would be.

The water ran cold, and I knew I had been in the shower far too long. I shut off the spouts and reached out for a towel, wrapping it around my body. My heart leapt into my throat when a figured moved behind the shower curtain. I peeked out slowly, squinting through the steam.

"Hey," Edward smiled, palming the back of his neck before averting his eyes. He seemed nervous.

"Uh, hi," I whispered.

"Sorry, I just … I wanted to make sure you were okay. You weren't there when I woke, and … I was worried," he shrugged.

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't want to disturb you, and I guess I just needed a minute." My voice came out raspy, it was apparent I had done my share of crying. "I guess we should talk…"

"Yeah, I'll let you get dressed. I'll just be downstairs," he smiled lightly, before hesitating at the door. Slowly, he turned back to me and placed a gentle kiss against my cheek. He was saying everything would be okay. It was all there in his delicate touch, in his nervousness. He wasn't running screaming away from the mad, mad woman in front of him. He was still there and still cared. I just didn't understand why or how that could have been.

I watched him leave before I collapsed to the floor, my fingers raking through my hair harshly. It was all too much, I didn't know if I could continue on. I just wanted to be numb. I just wanted to float through the rest of my life, going through the motions. Why did he have to stir those feeling inside me - make me _feel_ anything? It was too much. Too much.

All the sensations he drudged up in me, the things I was excited about - the things I knew to be out of my reach… I should have never allowed it. Getting dressed quickly, a new resolve filled me - I had to tell him we couldn't be. I didn't make sense, not for him. He deserved so much more than I had to offer.

I found Edward in the kitchen, staring out the back door at the spot we sat last night by my old swing. My mouth opened to speak, but faltered. I couldn't formulate the right words, so I sat down at the table instead. He didn't move, but I knew he heard me come in. I watched him for a moment, his tall, lean body. His body language was only slightly tense, his hands deep in his pockets. But his shoulders were slumped forward, he looked mostly just tired. I glanced at the clock above the stove, it was only 9:30; we hadn't slept long.

"Edward," I finally began, but he turned to face me before I could continue, and the words dissolved on my tongue.

"Can you just… can I talk first?" He requested softly. I nodded as he took a seat in front of me. "Bella, I know what you're going to say, and I just want to get my points in before you - before you do." Our eyes met and his dug deep into my soul. I could feel him reading me; he understood that I was retreating.

"I listened to you last night and your story - it's nothing short of tragic. It _is_ horrible, and I can understand how you feel the way you do. If I were in your position, God, Bella, I would die. I would have curled into a ball and that would have been the end of me. I know that you hate yourself, and you harbor this intense burden, I get that." Scooting his chair closer to mine, he cupped my fingers in his hand, smoothing them against his palm slowly.

"That being said, _I_ do not blame you." Something in his expression, the light in his eyes, imploring me, it held me there - my ears and heart wide open. "What you have done, how you have carried on amazes me. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know you'll never believe it, and me simply saying these things won't magically make all of your pain go away, but I need to say it. You did not kill your mother." I flinched, my soul recoiling, screaming at me to pull away, stop listening - I'd heard these lies. But I couldn't, I didn't want to.

"Things happen in our lives, things we can't always control - no matter how hard we try. If you don't hear anything I say right now, hear this at least. I see you Bella. I. See. You. I see who you really are, and who you hide behind. I can see you now, pulling your heart away from me, I can feel it. But please, please Bella, don't. I know you are sad, I know you have more than enough reason to hate everything in this world, but please don't run away from me."

A tear slid down the side of my cheek, and Edward brushed it away gently, his thumb lingering there. "I want to help you. And whether you want to hear it or not, I need you in my life," he finished softly, for the first time since starting, he dropped his eyes away.

My heart hammered against my chest. It was a despondent beat, not steady in any way, mirroring my mixture of exuberance at his request and terror. "Edward, I… I don't know what to say. This is so painful, to feel, I've been numb for so long …" The words came out choppy, and I found myself gasping lightly for air. He moved to my side, rubbing my back softly.

"Calm down Bella, breathe," he whispered.

"I'm terrified of you," I barely whispered, eyes fixed on the cotton fibers loose at the edge of his collar. "What you do to me, what you make me feel - you overwhelm and consume, and I can't…"

"Bella…" Edward sounded in pain. "Don't…"

"I … I … I love you," I barely choke out before bursting into tears. The words came out of nowhere, and I was taken aback myself; I couldn't imagine how Edward felt. Unable to look at him, I clenched my eyes shut tightly, trying to reign in my sobs. "I'm sorry, I didn't… I shouldn't have said that," I mumbled through my dampening cries.

When I finally got the courage to look at him I was met with an uncertain expression. His eyes were searching my face, just staring. Tears continued to moisten my cheeks but my ragged breathing slowed. I stared back into his eyes, our gazes locked intently. After a moment, my breathing was slow and rhythmic, matching Edward's, but the tears still came, slowly, in fat drops, sliding down my cheeks and collecting at my chin.

Bringing his hand up, he gently wiped them away, closing his eyes when his skin came into contact with mine. My body felt limp, helpless, my arms hanging at my sides, but I couldn't move. Slowly, lashes gave way to that vibrant green, a tear slipping between gliding down his soft cheek. My heart squeezed painfully, thundering unevenly still.

"My sweet, sweet girl, you feel so much. Everything touches you so deeply, you see it differently, but this heart…" his right hand rested lightly over my heart, no doubt he could feel it against his palm. He smiled softly. "It is so strong, so loving, it's beautiful."

His hands moved to cup my face, the tears had stopped, though I shook under his touch. His smile grew as he continued. "You are beautiful. Those words you just said to me are beautiful."

Swallowing hard, I blushed as it made a loud gulping noise. Edward leaned into me, his lips brushing just below my ear. My eyes slid closed, the feel of his delicate kiss fluttering at my skin, unbinding me. "Everything about you is beautiful," he whispered into my neck. "I love your beautiful… and I love you, Bella." I inhaled sharply at his words, my fingers tingling.

"I love you," he repeats.

"I…" my lips wouldn't work, sound was impossible to make, I was tingling all over now.

"I love you," he repeats again.

"Edward… I," I was useless, words failed me.

"It's okay … I love you," he says again, and again, and again, and again - the words etching into the fibers of my skin under his lips. I whimper against him, my hands finally moving as they lace into his hair.

"I love you," a whisper hardly broke across my lips, and I felt his curl against my neck.

"I love you too," he replied simply.

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**A/N: This chapter was much shorter than my normal chapters, but I couldn't bring myself to add anymore to this. I wanted it to stand out as it is a poignant moment for these two. Also, I have asked before and I believe most of you've noticed the chapter titles are lines from Bob Marley's Redemption Song. This is the first chapter that is not. Again, it just felt right that way, this chapter is a small glimpse of a shift in their lives - especially Bella's. I wanted it to be different. Thanks so much for reading and tolerating my sporadic updates. **

**Please review, feedback helps me grow! Thx! **

**xo Buff**


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